Showing posts from 2013

New Year's Eve - My 42nd Birthday - A new calendar year

What a great fireworks display!  We really enjoyed watching this (we were not there of course).
I had a great birthday going to The Old Spaghetti Factory for an early dinner and relaxing with my hubby.  I got a beautiful calendar..
I am excited to start a new calendar year and to start exercising more!  Happy New Year!

Yule - Winter Solstice

Today is Winter Solstice otherwise known as Yule.  My hubby, son and I celebrate it as our main winter holiday.  We still have Christmas stockings on Christmas morning but today is when we each give each other thoughtful or handmade presents.

I enjoy Yule because it lets us get away from the hectic Christmas season.  We plan ahead because we know there is not last minute Christmas Eve shopping for us.

This year our family Christmas Gathering also was on Yule.  We had a wonderful time and I found that my allergy shots are really working as I did not need to take any allergy medicine or inhalers while at my brother's house where he has cats that previously had sent my allergies through the roof.
I brought rolls, mashed potatoes and a Yule Log cake for dessert.

We came home and celebrated Yule privately.  Each of us liked our gifts and were thrilled at how well each of us knew each other. 

We will gather and eat dinner.  Laugh and joke with seasonal music playing in the bac…

Full Moon Before Yule or Long Night Moon or Full Oak Moon

Full Oak Moon is the full moon before Yule. 
The oak is a symbol of strength and eternity.
When the winter is in full reign over the Earth, it is important to remember the oak’s endurance. To survive the trials of winter, people must find within themselves the oak’s great strength.

It is important at this time of year that roots are pushed deep into the Earth so you can survive through the storms - no wonder it is a time of family gatherings and sharing of resources (Thanksgiving, Holiday events and such) - we need our families and they help us find our inner strength when the world around us seems brutally cold.

Beaver or Frost Full Moon

Beaver Moon, sometimes called Frost Moon is usually the full moon in November.

From Wikipedia: Two reasons are given for the coupling of the November moon with the flat-tailed aquatic animal: (a) November is a month when many hunters used to set leghold traps for beaver,[1] and (b) November is a month when many beaver families are especially active in rebuilding their beaver lodges and dams.[2] Much of the mammals' building and repair work takes place by moonlight, because the beaver is primarily nocturnal. Both explanations implicate November's position as the last full month before the coming of winter, as beaver (which do not hibernate) need to have ready access to food during the cold months, and need to grow an especially lush pelt of fur so as to be prepared. By the traditional valuation standards of the fur trade, a late-fall beaver pelt was worth more than a pelt harvested during other seasons of the year.

I have started re-organizing the house and making everythi…

Samhain/Halloween/Our 5th Wedding Anniversary

So this year my seeds of intent were:
1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
4.  Continue to let go of the past and learn to live in the present and not to spend too much time obsessing about the future.

One thing that I have learned to trust although it is still really hard is that when you put an intention out there and focus on it, you have to understand that it may not come to fruition the way you planned or thought it would. 

1.  I started walking.  I have not been as consistent as I have wanted about it but I am making progress AND I did a 5K walk this year.  I also have been getting allergy shots which have paid off already in helping me in this fall season to breathe.  I continue to work on myself emotionally.

2. My son has graduated fr…

Harvest or Hunter's Full Moon

The Hunter's or Harvest Full Moon is the first full moon after Mabon (Autumn Equinox). 

The Hunter's Full Moon is named because the full moon give light to hunters tracking their prey before the cold winter settles in.  They are able to stock up on the protein they will need to make it through the winter.

I myself am doing that in a manner of speaking.  I went to the conference to "stock up" on more learning material and to socialize before the cold settles in and we look inward and do less outside socializing and more family bonding.  I have started setting up my new office and making sure I have everything I need to do therapy.

I find this a good time to seek out that which you will need in order to work within yourself during the dark time of the year the time of reflection and integration of new ideas and work from the previous year.  I am working on writing and organizing so that I can continue to work on myself.
I am also starting again on walking a…


The last several years I have been away from home on Mabon.  This year is the same - I am at the ATTACh Conference and this year it is in San Antonio, Texas.
I find it interesting that my harvest always seems to fall when I am at the conference.  That is not to say I am not harvesting a lot of things.  Quite the opposite.  This year has been really interesting.  A few weeks ago I got involved with a small group of people who saw some things we felt were wrong and we got together and reached out to the rest of the membership.  At the board meeting this weekend, they listened to our voice and we exacted change!  I also got calls from a few potential clients so I feel like I am really reaping the fruits of my labors! I am really thrilled to be living life this way - by the wheel - it just works so much better for me.

Harvest or Fruit Full Moon

This year I am at the 25th Annual ATTACh Conference.  I am actually going to be doing a parent workshop.  So for me this harvest moon has great meaning in that I am harvesting what I have been working on - helping other parents in similar situations get support and ideas that can help them have a better time parenting their children.

The fruits of my labor are really coming true.

Also I met a wonderful artist who creates this amazing Celtic Art to help calm and focus.
It can help with OCD, Anxiety, ADHD and just a way to meditate easier.
Please visit her work at

Can things really be going this right???

I feel like I have waited my whole life for this - For a point in time that everything seems to be getting better.  Sure I have had one thing here or there that was going right - but usually it just helped me get through something else that was going wrong.
So let me take a moment and share with you things that are going right:
My hubby and I - Still happily and deeply in love.  October 31st will make our 5 year anniversary!  And December 4th will make 7 years together!  The picture to my left is a little gift he gave me for no real reason.  As customary it has several meanings.  I have been reading the Mistborn series and I told him that when some of the characters burn pewter for a long time and then stop - they are really tired - it is called "pewter dragging"  so he got me a "pewter dragon".  Amethyst is my favorite stone and I love dragons and their energy.  As usual he knows me so well and continues to show me how much he loves me in so many different and uniqu…

Full Blue Moon

What a beautiful Full Moon tonight.  (not the picture above - I don't have a good night camera).  It is not actually blue but for the first time in awhile we had a nice clear sky where I live.

I wrote about Blue Moons in a post last year - located here.

This year it is a blue moon because there are 4 full moons between the Summer Solstice and the Fall Equinox (1 season).  The 3rd Moon if there are 4 moons in a season is a Blue Moon.

You can find an interesting article here.

Lughnasadh or Lammas - 1st Harvest

Time goes so fast.  It is now Lughnasadh.  We celebrate together as we all work to bring in the harvest.  It is kind of like a work party and that is what is happening in my life right now.  I am working hard with my son to get himself organized and learn life skills so he can be successful in college.  I am proud of my daughter and working with her towards her first positive steps towards independence.  I am trying new things and seriously considering a 2nd job in the mental health field to help with our income.  I am soon going to start allergy shots as I have made peace with living where I am for awhile longer.  I still have a lot of work to do but I am really beginning to see things come to fruition.  This year has been full of ups and downs but we (my family) has stuck together and we are making progress on our goals.

Green Corn Full Moon or Grain Full Moon

Green Corn Full Moon or Grain Full Moon is the 2nd moon after the Summer Solstice.  We are in full swing of getting things ready for the harvest.  We are harvesting some of our crops and seeing how good our intentions are and getting other crops ready to harvest.

Not a lot of time yet to enjoy our bounty as we still have a lot to do - but we are starting to see what our hard work has given us.  For me, I am enjoying my son's successes - starting to see some positive changes with my daughter.  Coming up with more ideas for my practice and starting to feel better about the direction of my health.  I am try to only look at this moment and near future and not obsess about the far future.

Full Hay Moon

The Full Hay Moon is also sometimes called Thunder Moon.  It is the first moon after the Summer Solstice.  As the name implies it is when we can harvest hay.  At this time it is a good to start focusing on what we will do with our harvest and how best to harvest the fruits of our labor.  That last sentence may seem backwards but you must first know what you want to do with your fruits  - to know how to harvest.  For example if something did not work out like you wanted, it might be best to learn from it and use it as fertilizer for the next set of crops.  Maybe the fruit just wasn't so sweet so maybe you will dry it instead of canning it.  This lets you know how you will go about harvesting it.

Litha / Summer Solstice / Beginning of Summer

Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of summer.  This is the longest day of the year and now the nights will lengthen.  This is a time of manifestation.  We are seeing what the hard work on our intentions look like.

This year my intentions are:
1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
4.  Continue to let go of the past and learn to live in the present and not to spend too much time obsessing about the future. 

So 1.  I am becoming my physically healthy.  I walked a 5K for NAMI and have now focused on getting my blasted allergies under control.  I am seeing a doctor regularly and my blood levels are mostly normal.  I am much more mentally and emotionally healthy.  I constantly work on myself and allow myself time to process issues instead of stuffin…

Full Strawberry Moon

Full Strawberry Moon is also called Rose Moon or Flower Moon.  Called the Full Strawberry Moon in our area because the strawberries are ready to be picked.  It is one of the first harvests of the year.  Like strawberries we start to see the fruits of our labor.  This is a good time to focus on the seedlings that have started to really grow.  In my personal life, my son is nearly ready to graduate but needs a little bit more focus to keep him going so he too can accomplish what his goals are.  I continue to focus on building my therapy practice by networking and am starting to see some positive growth.

Beltane\May Day

Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive.

My Seeds of Intent
1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
*  I have been eating a bit better and I walked my 1st 5K ever on the NAMI Walk on April 27.

2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
*  My son finished his senior project and looks to graduate high school on time.  He also may finish his Eagle Scout project and he will go to China right after he turns 18 for a couple of weeks with his choir.

3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
*I created a new idea - creating a support package for therapy - to get people out of crisis - I hope this will help more …

Full Milk Moon

Full Milk Moon is usually in May but this year it is at the end of April.  It is often called the Milk Moon because baby goats and calves have just started to be born so cow and goat milk is plentiful.   It is a time when planting is the main focus and birth and new life is plentiful.

I am taking this time to continue to put energy into my new practice and to nurture it with the ideas and sustenance I have been receiving.  It will take time and hard work but it will pay off eventually.

My Quest for Peace - Day 100 - Last Day - although I will always be on this quest

I have learned a lot from this book and am finding myself filled with more joy and peace than I ever have.  The biggest positive is that I am able to accept love and really know I am loved.  I now know I am worthy of love and deserve it.  I am working on learning how to stay in a place of peace more often and it will take time - I know my quest will be eternal but I sure like how I am living and enjoying life now.

My Quest for Peace - Day 99

My relationship with my daughter does not work.  I need to work on allowing myself to love her unconditionally and letting her make her own mistakes and choices.  I can continue to advocate for her best interests and try to limit suggesting what she should do.  She has to walk her own path as much as it breaks my heart to see her struggle and fail, it needs to be her own choices and consequences like my choices and their consequences are mine.

My Quest for Peace - Day 98

Today I give myself permission to be loved and accept love.
A simple yet tough statement for me - one that I am making more and more progress on.

My Quest for Peace - Day 97

Today, was a good day to practice being quiet.  My son was gone and I was able to relax.  Everytime a negative thought or feeling came through my mind (that I realized) I worked on making it positive.  If I thought of my frustrating relationship with my daughter - I thought how lucky I was to have met her and have become a much better person because of my relationship with her. 

I felt more and more peaceful throughout the day.  I know there will be days that I cannot do this - but I know I am in charge of my own thoughts and feelings and don't have to let someone else take my power away from me.

My Quest for Peace - Day 96

I am willing to let go of my controlling behavior today.  I am learning to accept that I am not in control of others and am willing to give up that ugly part of myself that tries to control what others do.

My Quest for Peace - Day 95

I "believe" my being a good parent to both children completes me.  I try to hold onto my relationship with my daughter no matter what even when she wants to pull away.  It is going to be hard work but I am slowly trying to imagine myself without the relationship with my daughter.  The thought brings me great sadness and yet a bit of peace.  This is something I have been working on slowly over the past year - allowing myself to be a mother and not always having the relationship with my daughter that I cling to.  I am finding being an advocate for her is helpful, but I need to learn to feel ok about myself even if the relationship with my daughter goes away.

My Quest for Peace - Day 94

The only real conflict I have is with my daughter.  Today I wrote a letter letting her know I love her.  I am trying to remind myself that it does not have to be constantly a conflict.  I can let her make her own decisions whether they are destructive or not and let her learn from her consequences.

I love my daughter and I need to work harder to bringing peace to our relationship.

My Quest for Peace - Day 93

Most often when I feel my emotions rise in relation to another person it is when I am dealing with my daughter.  I know what is being spoken is my daughter's truth and not mine, because I love her it hurts when she says mean things to me.  I know why she does it (out of fear of getting hurt again) but I still allow it to hurt me.  I have started to take a stand and not be a victim anymore by limiting my interactions with her when I am most vulnerable.  I also remind myself she is speaking her truth from the lens of fear so it isn't anything personal - it is just because of her circumstances.  It still is hard and I need to continue working on this aspect of myself so I do not allow myself to fall into the victim role.

My Quest for Peace - Day 92

One truth I hide out of fear is that I am a lesbian and my husband's a transsexual.  I know from the past people reject or judge us - so we hide the truth.  I have been more honest with more people though about it if I determine it would be safe to do so.

The one truth in others I often reject is that I am lovable and a good person.  I fear getting hurt so I try to reject them first.  I have been working on this.

I am living my truth as much as I can and am finding it easier and easier.  My house is now decorated in my beliefs and so is my office.  I do not hide who I am - I am just not always open about it.  But I live my life and no longer live a lie to please other people.

My Quest for Peace - Day 91

I had to modify the statements to work for me but they do.
I allow myself to experience the presence of My Goddess's love.
(I stop, close my eyes and put my hands out - I feel Her love)
I allow myself to feel the warm of My Goddess's affection.
(I stop, close my eyes and place my hands on my heart - I feel Her warmth emanating through me)
I am open to the power of healing in myself through My Goddess.
(I stop, and feel my power and My Goddess's power swirling within me - healing any darkness that has come upon my soul)
I am worth and valuable and loved.
(I stop, Breathe in and Breathe out, and feel my worth, value and love to my core)

I feel so much more peaceful and ready to deal with the day after I have done this.

My Quest for Peace - Day 90

I learned to take responsibility for me in December 2006.  It has been exciting and hard.  The benefit is I get to truly feel good about my accomplishments.  The hard part is being responsible for my mistakes but on the other hand I learn from my mistakes now because I take ownership of them and learn from them - when you do not take ownership or responsibility for your mistakes you really cannot learn from them because you do not learn what you need to change at your core to keep the mistakes from happening again.

Today I will re-create my sanctuary, my space and my organization that I have gotten off track with.
Today I will smile and laugh and give myself permission to feel joy and let others see my joy which should allow everyone to not have so much negativity around (especially the negativity that was from me)

My Quest for Peace - Day 89

I struggle with staying focused and not multi-tasking.  Being bi-polar I have a million things running at any given time in my head and it is a struggle to just follow one thought without being distracted by others.  Throughout my life I have learned to follow several at the same time (although this has caused me to not remember lots of things) but it gave me some unique abilities in my old career.  As an IT professional it was a wonderful ability - something goes wrong and my mind could simultaneously follow several possible solutions to their conclusion and I was able to determine the best course.  I enjoyed the benefits.

The negatives though is I struggle to pay attention to a movie and remember it - I joke that I can pick up a book or movie and it will always be new to me even if I have read it or watched it before.  As I am changing careers to become a therapist - I am working hard on focusing myself even more.  I have taken steps to doing that by putting my laptop in my office a…

My Quest for Peace - Day 88

I have been struggling for years - ever since I can remember - with trying to please other people.  I know pleasing others has caused much of my own heartbreak and grief.  It has been a long journey so far and I know it will continue for sometime.  My hubby is helping me heal this way.  I have finally learned that I do not always have to worry the moment he is in a bad mood that I need to please him or make him happy in some way.  He has helped me see that I have earned things on my own and accomplished things on my own that deserve their own rewards and I should enjoy them and not set them aside to try to please someone else.

It is a slow process since I still look for affirmations outside of myself, but I am getting better.  I now follow my path and do not apologize if someone doesn't like it or change my direction because it would make someone else happy.  I am now working on making myself happy and slowly learning what that means.  I acknowledge I have a long way to go but I W…

My Quest for Peace - Day 87

As I sit quietly feeling the peace and energy within, I find my thoughts wandering to finding a way to come to peace and terms with my daughter and my love for her.  I find I keep getting held back by past hurts and not allowing myself to just fully live in the moment of love with her.  When I talk to her and visit with her, she tries to hurt me to keep me away, I know she is afraid of love.  If I back away from that love how will she ever learn that you can love even if there is pain. 

I feel a warmth and peace settle over me as I say my daughter's name and that I love her.  I find myself opening up to peace and happiness at just loving life.  I will try to keep reconnecting like this so that I can focus on love in the moment and not hurt of the past.

My Quest for Peace - Day 86

I resist losing weight.  I am not really sure why.  I give up too easily.  I know my eating plan - I know what I should do but instead I end up stuffing my face instead of dealing with the discomfort of changing my eating habits.  I like certain foods that are not good for me and I struggle to limit the amount I eat.

I recently made excuses not to walk.  I need to start walking again and to get back on a healthier diet.
I am resistant to change especial eating my comfort foods.  I am going to plan to start walking and eating properly again.  I will not try to put my head in the sand any longer.

Seed Full Moon

The Seed Full Moon is a time for planting first crops, especially corn.  It is when you start to make things happen and the energy to start to create.  Seeds will be planted and creation will happen.  The seeds will start to sprout from this energy.  This is a good time in your personal life to really dig your heels in and start those projects you intended to start this year.  Today especially the energy is very powerful towards creativity and initiating the beginning of what you start.

Today I will finish writing up all of my paperwork for my practice and I will also set some ideas in motion to create my practice in a unique way.

My Quest for Peace - Day 85

For me this was an easy assignment because I have already done it.  I have already ended my negative relationships and let go of hurt and anger.  I do have some relationships that are not as healthy as I would like, but I have changed them so they are as positive as they can be and I have limited my involvement level so I do not get angry and hurt anymore.  Some of these are just relationships that are close and I need so it is worth working on them and dealing with them at a different level.

Several years ago I started "cleaning house" of my negative and unhealthy relationships.  It was tough to do, but I found it freeing and then worked on having more positive relationships and I found I was not held back anymore.

Since then I have worked to always let go of relationships that are no longer positive.  I believe people come into our lives for a reason and for some, when that reason is gone, the relationship needs to end or it becomes toxic.  Others, we need to change to all…

My Quest for Peace - Day 84

I work hard at being present for my son.  I try to stop what I am doing and just talk with him and focus on him.  I am lucky enough to have him in my life - 16 years ago he was almost taken away from us. I try to always do a bedtime routine when he is home and we try to laugh a lot.

Lately he has had some tough times to navigate with friends and relationships - I try to listen, give some advice but really see things from his perspective and help him see lessons that he and others can learn.

With my daughter, I try to be the most positive roll model possible for her since she is struggling so much.  Parenting her from afar as allowed me to be her cheerleader.  I try to focus on the here and now and not the hurt of the past.

Today, I listened to my son and enjoyed some time with him.

My Quest for Peace - Day 83

Today, I virtually extended grace to my daughter.  Even though I did not see or talk to her, I took time today and really thought about how much she is struggling at this moment and how much her past is effecting her behaviors today.  I extended her grace so that when I talk to her again, I can come from a place of understanding that at this time she is doing the best she knows how to do.  I can only expect her to do her best and at this time this is the best she is able to do.

My Quest for Peace - Day 82

In the past year, I have really learned that letting go can be very positive.  I am by nature a very controlling person, so letting go is not easy for me.  I have found though over and over in my life that if I can let go of the pain, the hurt, and the control, I can create room for healing, happiness and peace.  I am now able to distance myself from the hurt and pain of things in my childhood and in many of my relationships.  I am instead able to look at the challenges and lessons I was able to learn and realize that all of that was necessary in order to have a wonderful relationship with my hubby.  Being able to learn to not see things through the lens of my past all of the time, has allowed me to open up and feel a deep love and peace.  I would not be the same person I am now if it had not been for the pain and hurt I had in my past.  I love who I am and I only became that person through my experiences.

My Quest for Peace - Day 81

I really only have one person I am in conflict with and she is teaching me through our relationship so many things.  I am learning understanding and patience.  She is my daughter and it is probably the relationship that has helped me grow the most because I am constantly striving to better myself as our relationship brings to my attention the things I still need to work on.  This relationship has challenged me in everyway possible and when I accept those challenges and work on myself, I like who I become.  When I get carried away with the negativity, I quickly find that i do not like who I become.

My Quest for Peace - Day 80

I am still working on detaching a bit more in my life in regards to my daughter.  I often get caught up with the emotions and re-act rather than detaching and understanding my emotions.  I know our past has triggers and I need to work harder at realizing when I am triggered and detach so I can change the way I act and re-act.  If I can do this, I will be able to create a much more positive relationship with my daughter.

My Quest for Peace - Day 79

I thought of the complainers in my life and those who take life by the horns and think positively.  I wrote them down but will not put them here.  When I think of being around those who complain vs. those who deal with life as it comes, I find I much rather be around those who are positive.  I will strive to make myself more positive and to live life as it comes.

Ostara/Spring Equinox/Beginning of Spring

Today, March 20th (4:02am Pacific Time), is the first day of SPRING!!!! 
 This is a time of creation and time to really start working the fields so we can watch our crops grow.  To the left are pictures of spring starting in my yard!

So now I take a look at my intentions and where I am currently and what I need to do to create the environment that my intentions can flourish.

1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
Well I am doing that, though I have started slipping on the physically healthy but as of yesterday I created a new pledge to myself for walking and took a walk yesterday.  I am going to really try to work harder on this and create the time I need to take care of myself and allow this intention to grow.

2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
This one has been frustrating as I am watching my son struggle so much with his school work.  Then I remembered that I need to j…

My Quest for Peace - Day 78

I need to attend "exercise class" today.  I have neglected to stay the course on my walking.  I WILL go to "PE" today and take a nice walk.  I need to remember the values of walking and how good it made me feel.  I can do it.  Today I need to learn how important exercise is to my well being.

My Quest for Peace - Day 77

Today I cleaned out one drawer in my desk and scanned all of the paperwork I got at the Attach conference so I could shred and dispose of it while still having the information.  (Now to finish up writing it up on my blog).  It felt nice to get that drawer that wouldn't even open organized and nearly empty.

My Quest for Peace - Day 76

I have had so many changes in my life.  I am working at building my dream career and getting a lot of positive feedback and also just enjoying it.  I am getting new ideas daily that I try out and I am less afraid of trying new things.  I am willing to speak up and not afraid what others think.  I am finding a deeper and more wonderful love with my hubby than I ever thought possible.  My office is very creative and I did it from my heart and spirit.  It makes me feel peaceful and creative when I am in my office.  My newest idea is to start teaching parenting classes.  My newest desire is to find a way to really help change the system in which many families work in to try and get help and services.  My new need is to finding new places to connect with potential clients.  My newest goal is to walk - even just a little outside every day.

My Quest for Peace - Day 75

Today I am doing Day 74 in the book as I did the Day 75 yesterday.
Today is my mental health day.
I got up when I felt like it (after taking my son where he needed to go early in the AM - I went back to bed)
I took a nice long shower.
I enjoyed a leisurely walk outside and looked at the beautiful flowers.
I watched some movies I had wanted to watch.
I talked to some friends.
I just really relaxed and I have an awesome hubby who told me I deserved a break and he was glad to get us dinner so I could just relax.

My Quest for Peace - Day 74

Since I could not do a mental health day today because of prior engagements - I am doing Day 75 in the book today and Day 74 tomorrow. 

Today, even though it was going to be busy and crazy - I slowed it down.  I made sure I had enough time to watch the sunrise this morning.  I made sure that I left time for lunch and relaxing with my hubby.  In between times of picking up and dropping off my son, I read a fun book or played relaxing computer games on my Kindle.

I looked at the beautiful spring flowers and took pictures.  I enjoyed the warmth of the sun outside.  I slowed down and it made my very busy day rather calm and not frantic.

My Quest for Peace - Day 73

Today I have been good to myself - I have been loving and caring to myself.  I had to fly to see my daughter today.  I made sure I ate breakfast, instead of just trying to "make it" on airline snack food.  I listened to music to calm me.  I drank lots of water to help my legs not swell.  I took everything including therapy with my daughter in a calm manner.  I took care of myself by staying in a state of peace and love, which made everything much easier.  I was good to myself and it paid off as I came home and was in a great mood and I was able to love my daughter more because I was able to love myself more.

My Quest for Peace - Day 72

I feel more at ease.  Even though this affirmation is nothing much different than what I know - speaking it makes such a difference.  I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I realize that reading and speaking makes a bigger impact than reading alone.

My Quest for Peace - Day 71

I struggle hardest not to be controlling.  I always feel the need to control or to be in control because I hate feeling the uncertainty of being out of control or not knowing what will happen.  The less I am in control the more I want to take control.

So today I will really sit with the feeling of wanting to be in control and controlling.  I will really feel it and feel the underlying fear of not knowing.  Then at the end of the day I will let it go.

I paid attention all day on how I felt and how much I wanted to control and at times how much I did control.  I paid real close attention every time I wanted to control as to why and what was making me feel uncomfortable so I wanted to be in control and it all came down to fear of it not going like I wanted or planned.  At the end of the day I acknowledged how I felt and let it go and used the mantra of what will be, will be.  I am going to keep working on that so I can let go of the control.

My Quest for Peace - Day 70

Anger - I really do not hold any anger anymore.  I was angry at the world and my daughter for awhile because of our situation, but I have since let go of that anger and it is much easier to work with her without all of that anger which was really fear that I was a bad mother and hurt from not having a reciprocal relationship.

Who am I?
Why is it that I do what I do in this life?
I want my legacy to be that I was caring and thoughtful and worked to help heal the world one person at a time.

I am a mother, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a friend and an advocate to those around me.  I am someone who takes challenges given to me and learns from them.  I take what I learn and help teach it so that I am part of the solution.  I am worthy of respect and love because I respect and love myself for the things I choose to do in my life.  

My Quest for Peace - Day 69

One of the biggest changes I had was giving up custody of my daughter.  I fought so hard not to do it, and it turned out to be the best opportunity for her.  My fear of moving to where I am now was again very strong and I fought against it - I was afraid my son would do poorly, that I wouldn't have support - and just the opposite happened.  Most of the time I try to embrace change because I know it is usually to open up better opportunities.  Sometimes though I just get scared and don't want to let go of the familiar.  I am getting better and better at that now though as I see that if I move forward in a positive manner positive things happen.

My Quest for Peace - Day 68

I have learned when I really listen to my gut, I do the right thing and things work out.  When I am chaotic and pushing myself and not listening - it is then when my path goes astray and I end up having to change direction and have more of a mess to deal with.

I still struggle to really listen to my gut - but I am getting better at it.

My Quest for Peace - Day 67

I am very lucky that my hubby and my son are big on touch.  I am still allowed to hug and kiss my nearly 18 year old son every night.  Heck he even lets me hug or kiss him in front of his friends.  My hubby holds my hand a lot and we cuddle every day we are near each other.  The past few days he has been away having surgery but we talked as much as we could on the phone and expressed how we would be touching and cuddling and holding each other if we were together. 

When we first met (my hubby and I), I was overwhelmed by how much he was into touch.  I had never been cuddled most of the night before and at first found it to be suffocating.  I realized it only felt that way because I was still trying to remain controlled and distant.  When I finally gave in and accepted his healing touch and allowed him into my world and heart, I found it was very healing and loving.  It was through this touch that I learned to really love deeply including learning to love and trust myself.

My Quest for Peace - Day 66

Today I practiced conscious breathing.  Several times during the day I stopped what I was doing and just focused on my breath.  I am finding it easier and easier to close out everything else and just focus on my breath.  I have progressively been doing this more often when I am stressed and finding it really does bring calm and rational thought.

Continued Transitioning Transformation

Yesterday my hubby flew to another state to have another surgery for his transition from FTM (although he has been living as male for 13 years).  It has been a long process - it has been just over a year since his first lower surgery.

Last night as we talked on the phone he told me that he was thinking of responding to someone in a forum that was very gender dysphoric and was wondering if it was worth having the lower surgery done.  I asked my hubby what he would respond and I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he would tell the person that while it will not "solve" or "fix" the dysphoria it would help.  He said there would be times during the process you would question if it was worth it but in the end it would be better than before.  He told me that he DOES feel better and it is more an absence of things that shouldn't have been there (female parts, holes where they don't belong) than what is there.  He said it is nice not having to have a packer anymo…

My Quest for Peace - Day 65

This one is easy for me now because I have spent so much time in the past few years dealing with this.  I am now in a relationship over 6 years old with my hubby and it is wonderful because he respects me for who I am - not what I do - he has seen me make money and he has seen me unemployed.  He has seen me happy and optimistic and been by my side and called into work when I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed and face the world.

Last year, the relationship that was the most toxic, my daughter's and my relationship, changed.  I realized I could no longer help her with our relationship the way it was.  Her relationship was also damaging the relationships with all of the other people I care about in my life.  Although at the time I felt forced to do it, I relinquished custody of her to CPS and it turned out to be the best thing.  Now we can focus on a grown mother/daughter relationship and I can advocate for her but we can rebuild to something much ni…


This is one of my posts that has been on the back burner for some time.  I originally started it because I read the book - The Devil In Pew Number Seven. I don't want to give the story away, but this girl that endures horrific problems and violence is able to forgive this man who destroyed her childhood and her family. 

I was shocked when I read that she forgave him because to me what he did was basically unforgivable.  But then I started reading and thinking about forgiveness.  And started realizing a few things.  There is forgiving and there is forgetting.  Forgiving is all about allowing the person who wronged you to take up space in your head and sap your energy.  To not forgive is to hold a grudge and to remain a victim.  It is really hard to let it go and to forgive and to use what happened as a learning experience.  You can forgive and get your life back but you should not forget what that person did.

For example, if your friend went behind your back and started rumors abo…

My Quest for Peace - Day 64

Present Moment Experiences that I can influence that bring me joy:
1.  Thinking of my hubby and his arms around me.
2.  Thinking of my son and all of his accomplishments.
3.  Thinking at how much I have accomplished and how well things are going.
4.  Taking a long hot shower with the window open so I can hear the birds.
5.  Taking a walk.
6.  Sitting outside just enjoying the sounds of nature and feeling my part in the energy of the world.

My Quest for Peace - Day 63

After my hubby went to work this morning, despite feeling groggy and not so well, I did walk outside in the backyard and sat on the benches.  The sun was not out but it was trying and the overcast feel of the weather reminds us that Spring has not completely sprung - but it was a beautiful morning - the birds sing.  I am always an outside person.  I don't like cities and even told my hubby there was no way I could live up here in a city if I didn't have some place close I could feel connected.

I went out to run the sprinklers in the afternoon even though there might be some rain coming in a few days.  Purple flowers are starting to bloom in our front yard - so beautiful.  I love this little corner lot because we have so many trees and wild flowers.

In the evening I drove my son's friend home and then after I got out of the car when I got home I leaned up and looked at the moon trying to break through the clouds.  As the clouds blew by so much of my stress did.

I have to go…

My Quest for Peace - Day 62

I still struggle with trying to control my daughter's living situation.  I try to control the people that make the decisions about her living situation.  I need to practice a balance between trying to control and advocating for my daughter.  I get frustrated and it does not bring me peace when I deal with these issues.

I need to learn to let go and just to advocate for her but not try to control the situation.

My Quest for Peace - Day 61

My strong feelings I currently keep getting stuck in is my emotions and how I handle them. I am struggling with being anxious and worried about finances and my future which makes me eat in an unhealthy way.  I try to make them go away with food.

Today I focused on trying to really stay with the upset and anxious feelings and tried to sit with them and understand them - rather than stuff them.  I need to accept the truth that I am anxious, scared and nervous about our financial future instead of hiding from the feelings with food. 

I ate a bit better today and I worked hard at just allowing myself to feel anxious instead of eating to feel better.

My Quest for Peace - Day 60

It feels so good to see what I have accomplished in the last several years and even just recently.  I am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been.  I learned in December of 2006 that I could not allow my life, peace and happiness to be controlled by others.  I learned I could not change what others do.  When I got into my relationship with my hubby (my healthiest relationship by far), we decided we would not try to change each other.  I feel in love with him as he is - even his imperfections.  I have at times struggled with that (him sleeping late and such - but even then I remind myself that I chose to be with him and knew this is how he is so I should look for the positive side (like having quiet time to myself)).

I still do need a bit of love and support from my hubby to feel good about myself but I am getting better.  I am feeling more sure of myself and do not NEED him to give me so many positives and support - I enjoy getting it but slowly I am relying on myself more and …

My Quest for Peace - Day 59

Today's lesson on victimization is actually a reminder as I have accomplished most of this 6 years ago when I realized that I am the one in control of my life and when I blame someone else, I am choosing to be the victim.  This is why I went back to school after realizing that in reality if I hadn't been paralyzed with fear of the unknown and failure I would not have blamed anyone else and I would have gone back to school if I had wanted to.  It was easier to blame someone and say that was why I wasn't challenging myself.  Since I changed my belief of being a victim, I have gotten my BA and my MA and started my new career.

I am no longer angry at anyone, I have forgiven all who have wronged me and it feels so freeing.
I am happy about where I am in life and regret nothing for I am happy that I am who I am where I am so to regret anything would mean I would want to change who I am.

My Quest for Peace - Day 58

"It is not a matter of destroying or getting rid of my fear, but of understanding it's true nature and of seeing fear as less powerful than love.  Fear is an illusion that keeps me stuck. Today I love life, I accept my fears, I move forward anyway."

My biggest fear at this point is not being successful in my new career but that isn't even a very big fear because I feel hopeful and know I can do it.  I used to be afraid of failing everything I do but I no longer feel that fear - I feel so much more free and "brave".  I know that fear for me is the discomfort of not knowing the future - fear of the unknown.

My Quest for Peace - Day 57

Throughout the day today, I would find a quiet place and time to sit for 5 to 10 minutes - usually outside - to connect with the Goddess and my beliefs.  I would sit and feel grounded and feel inside of me the connection to all around me and I would find that spot of peace and light within  - knowing I was one with the Goddess.  I am how the Goddess and God made me.  I am following the path that they light before me but even when I have strayed they have accepted me and loved me for I am simply learning as I find my way.

I needed this day to re-connect.  I have so often disconnected and stayed logical and tried to control everything but really I know in my heart it is when I am connected and feel the energy of the universe flowing through me that I am able to move forward.  Spirituality is such a big part of my life and yet I so often put it aside.  Today reminded me how important it is to stay connected.

My Quest for Peace - Day 56

Today is easy for me - smiling.  When I went to the retreat Jules actually made the comment that she always saw me smiling.  Which made me smile even more.  I love to smile.  A long time ago, I was having an absolutely horrible day and a nice older man smiled at me, bowed a little and it meant so much to me that day.  I felt obligated to smile back and what do you know by the time I got home to the chaos I was much calmer and happier.  I was then able to deal with my kids better and my husband most likely enjoyed having a wife in a good mood rather than one that was bitching at the kids and at him.  I have always remembered that day and even if I don't feel like smiling I will try to smile for everyone I meet because so often that smile puts me in a better mood too.

Today I smiled a lot because I had my first client and it went well and I am finally earning hours towards my license again.  My dreams really are coming true.  The fact that they really started coming true during thes…

My Quest for Peace - Day 55

I have gotten off track.  I have been making excuses why I am not taking care of myself but really there is no excuse.  While I have been doing better emotionally and moving forward in my new career - I started to let my health and my fitness slip.  So tonight I reconnected with my fitness buddies and they are holding me accountable to go grocery shopping for healthy food and go for my walk.

I struggle to find a balance but I know I can I just have to not make excuses on why I am not taking care of myself.

Full Storm Moon

Today is the Full Storm Moon.  Storms are often brewing in the weather and in our lives.  This moon is at the end of February or in March and before the Vernal Equinox.  The weather is violently vacillating between winter and spring.  Often we are dealing with the same in our own emotional realm.  We are struggling between still being in our dark realm of self-reflection and starting to come out and be part of a community.  We struggle to make room for others in our plans or seeing how our plans affect others.  This year I struggle with being good to myself and doing my walks and taking care of myself health wise and fostering my new business and learning how to reconnect with others.  I am finding I do not have the energy and time to fully do both so I am working to find the "happy medium" and feel kind of stormy as I struggle to find my way.

My Quest for Peace - Day 54

What changes have already taken place in me?
I have become so much calmer and able to ground myself much easier than I ever have.  I am also more sure of myself, more willing to make changes and take risks.  And most importantly I am feeling worthy of good things and being loved.

What changes am I working towards?
I am working towards defaulting to calm instead of chaos and negative feelings.  I am working towards stopping the cycle of negative thinking and panic attacks which then create more negative thoughts until I am stuck.

What short phrase can I use to stay calm even in times of stress?
"with each breath I will calm myself"

If I stopped telling myself all that is wrong, what would I tell myself about all that is right?
I will handle this, I can do it, I have handled everything I have been given - this is no different.

My Quest for Peace - Day 53

Today I am feeling less chaotic and dysregulated than I was yesterday because of court and stress.  I need to continue to work on being peaceful even when I am stressed out.  Today despite several stressful events, I took time including time in the car before and after driving, to just close my eyes and find peace before I started on the next thing I had to do.  I think I would have done better yesterday if I could have done that more often.

I need to get back to walking as soon as I feel better as I found the walks to help me find peace.

My Quest for Peace - Day 52

Things that make me feel valued: 
Positive feedback from others
Love from my husband
Love from my children and occasional thank yous.
small acknowledgements that I am doing things that others like.

After pondering quietly on how I would find value if the above was gone
I am worthy and valued because I love to learn and teach and it gives ME satisfaction.
Valuing myself by taking care of my self in turn makes me feel valued.
Enjoying the beauty of the day makes me feel part of this world and valued to still be here.

My Quest for Peace - Day 51

Today I have been working on letting it go - it being when someone disagrees with me even if I think I am right.

Today has not been too bad - I noticed on most things I do not even feel like I have to be right as my relationship with the person has always been more important than being right or feeling like they need to understand totally my point of view.  On a few things I find myself defensive - anytime anyone questions my parenting is when I get defensive.  I struggle to prove myself right.  Today when my daughter's therapist disagreed with something, I did get defensive but then suggested we work through it more in therapy and both keep an open mind - but I did not force my belief that I am right on the therapist - just suggested we both keep our minds open during the next therapy session.

My Quest for Peace - Day 50

Wow!  Halfway through this Quest and I am feeling a lot more peaceful - so I am going to keep going forward.

I feel loss about:  losing my daughter to CPS - I still have rights and a connection with her but I feel like I lost her and feel a bit of a failure.

the many years I wasted not being who I am and being a victim.

my relationship with my ex-husband - I miss him being my best friend.

What changes have taken place due to this loss:
our family has had to change our dynamics
I changed because of the many years of being a victim
my relationship with my ex-husband changed.

Are there gifts and opportunities in this loss:
Yes - my family no longer walks an eggshells and feels more peaceful; my daughter is safe and has opportunities and resources she would not have had if she had stayed in our family.

I have learned much in the years I played victim and have been able to see how I am changing now.

My relationship is growing more healthy with my ex-husband.

What is my new story of healing…

My Quest for Peace - Day 49

Today I will continue to forgive and let go of anger and continue to heal.  To hold on to anger will only keep me going in the wrong direction.  I gain freedom if I forgive and move forward and take full responsibility for my position today.

My Quest for Peace - Day 48

The three Dark Clouds I have hanging over me:
Food Addiction
Frustration of people who are overly dramatic
Lack of good friendships nearby

I am continuing to work on the food addiction and to learn to find better ways to handle my negative emotions.

I need to continue to be more understanding of people who are overly dramatic and understand they use it as a coping mechanism.

I need to actually create real in person relationships so that I have a better support system.  I struggle to feel worthy of having these friendships but I am working towards that.

My Quest for Peace - Day 47

My addictions:
I really have one main addiction - food.  Anytime I hurt, feeling sad, angry, fearful I use food, especially sweet or carb laden food to try to sooth that feeling.  I struggle a lot with that and it is what I am trying to slowly change.  Today everytime I reach for food that is not necessary (ie not eating a meal) I will think of what I am trying to numb, what feelings I am running from, what I would feel if I allowed myself to feel and experience.

My Quest for Peace - Day 46

I still struggle to like myself.  I still look to the outside world to confirm I am a good person.  I have been working for several months on learning to like myself and it is hard to do.  I have started with really listening and accepting compliments from others so that I really take in and accept that they like me and I am worthy of that love and positive feeling about me.  I am working on changing my self-talk to be positive about myself and not negative.

This is still so very hard.  My default is to feel I am not good enough or need confirmation from others that I am good enough.  I will try to let go of these feeling for today and to move away from needing outside confirmation and to like myself in this moment for who I am.

My Quest for Peace - Day 45

I am afraid of trusting.  This makes me get angry or frustrated when things do not go my way or I feel out of control because if I feel like I am out of control, I am afraid to trust how things will work out.  I guess simply put I am afraid of the unknown which is why I am afraid of trusting that things will work out or will be ok because then I am out of my comfort zone of knowing what will happen.

I have been working on this for sometime and making progress, my anger is now often just frustration or anxiousness and I am trying to learn to go with the flow but it is very hard for me.

My Quest for Peace - Day 44

The one characteristic I want my children to develop is believing in themselves - I will show that in everything I do today so they might develop that belief within themselves.

My Quest for Peace - Day 43


My Word:

Caring is the beginning of my new story - I am caring - I care.  I care about others, I care about myself.  I am caring enough to be good to myself so I can care for others.

My Quest for Peace - Day 42

Intentional - I will intentionally focus on what my goals are and intentionally be positive about attaining those goals.
Conscious - I consciously will pay attention to all my thoughts and focus on positivity and peace - refocusing from any negative thoughts I have.
Purposeful - I am purposefully focused on cuddling with my hubby and forcing all other thoughts and feelings out of my mind except love and safety. 

My Quest for Peace - Day 41

My mission began towards the end of 2004.  I had been taking Priestess of Place classes and I initiated as a Priestess of Place to the West.  I told the Goddess my mission and path would be to help other families - like mine - that are struggling to deal with early childhood trauma and attachment issues.  Many things have happened along my path and my mission but I have stayed strong and true even at times I wasn't sure it would happen.

In April 2011 I received my Masters in Counseling Psychology and now February of 2013 I finally have an internship to basically create my own practice working with families like mine.

My full mission and path I believe will lead me to creating a clinic where all aspects of attachment and early childhood trauma are treated and the families supported.  I try to live every day following that path and focusing on my mission.

My Quest for Peace - Day 40

I have written down "I am awakening the spirit, the light and the truth, within.  In that truth resides the answers to all questions.  I am quiet.  I am calm.  I breathe deeply and with ease.  I am Peace.  I accept life as it touches me today.  I accept my part in this web of life.  I am creating thoughts and feelings of Peace in this moment, creating all future moments in my day.  I am moving toward Peace.  I am moving away from all negative energy and relationships tht detract from Peace.  My spirit shines forth with Peace and with joy! Others are attracted to me by my pure love and internal Peace." and will take the paper with me and will continue to read it constantly until it becomes my habitual thoughts.

My Quest for Peace - Day 39

People have often commented on how often I smile - even at the retreat people noticed I smile a lot.  It was something I learned a long time ago way back when I was in elementary school.  There were popular girls and I was not one of them.  After I was put down and nearly in tears by them, one of my favorite teachers asked me if I could show her my beautiful smile.  Even though I didn't feel like it - I did.  Well I realized a lot of the sadness and hurt went away and my thoughts focused on more positive things. 

Even today reading the passage I was upset and stressed about some things and when the book said to smile - I did and amazingly I felt a lot better.  I also learned at one of my first technical support jobs that the customer can "hear" your smile.  They even gave us a mirror to remember to smile so the customer would "hear" it.  But it is true since if you are in a bad mood and you smile a real smile, you suddenly are not in that same mood and that is …

My Quest for Peace - Day 38

Today I faced some of my negative thoughts - those thoughts of if others think I am a bad mother than I am and that I cannot do things that I have dreamed of doing and I worked on telling myself the positive thoughts that I am a good mother no matter what other people think and that I am going to make my dreams come true.

My Quest for Peace - Day 37

"I am open now in this moment, to the possibility of learning something about myself.  I can bring my focus back to me.  I may be feeling resistant to experiences the emotion and life not being the way I want it to be."

So I have 3 different strong emotions I am dealing with and I thought I would explore each of them.

Emotion #1 - frustrated, mad, pissed off at my daughter for her recent behavior.
Exploring this emotion I actually find that I am really hurt emotionally that she rejected me and put me down and upset at myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable and to get hurt.  Really I am not upset with her, but myself and hurt that she still struggles to accept my love and when she struggles she rejects.  What can I learn from this - well I know I have to keep putting myself out there able to be hurt in order to help my daughter to learn to love, but I need to remember the expectations of her rejecting me that way I will not over react when she does.  I also need to under…

My Quest for Peace - Day 36

"We will see" - Luckily I didn't have very many stressful, overwhelming or negative experiences today - although a few of my friends did and I reminded them to take a step back and to wait and see a bit before going into panic mode.

There were a couple of times that I did use it though.  I was doing my walk when my foot started hurting - felt like a blister.  Instead of focusing on the pain, I just told myself that we will see when I get back to the house what the problem was.  I did and realized the blister was getting worse and then without being frustrated or upset went inside and did other things.  I did not let it get me down - I focused on the fact I had walked 2 miles instead of the fact I was a mile short of where I wanted and probably won't be able to walk tomorrow (we will see).

I have to go to court for my daughter on Thursday and some things came up today and instead of starting to stress or panic, I know there is nothing I can do - so I chose to say to m…

My Quest for Peace - Day 35

I have had many tough places\times in my life but right now I am not in a tough place emotionally or physically.  Financially I am in a tougher place than I would like but even that has gotten better over the last few days.  I think the only really tough part in my life right now is believing in myself and believing I can make this new career work.  I know that I am just scared both afraid of failure and success.  My hubby is so wonderful when we talk about it because he believes I can do it and that reminds me that I can do it.

I am very blessed though that I really am not having a tough time or place - I actually am feeling better about my life than I have in a long while.

My Quest for Peace - Day 34

My Sacred, knowing voice is telling me not to sabotage things.  I have things I need to do like my walk and spending time with my hubby that my negative voice is giving me excuses but my sacred and knowing voice is telling me I am worth these things and not to make excuses because that will sabotage things.  I need the attention I deserve.  I deserve positive attention both from myself and my hubby.

My Quest for Peace - Day 33

Today I worked on my awareness.  I thought about my body, my emotions, my thoughts, I tried to be aware of those around me and of myself.  I walked over 5K today and tried to be in the moment, feel how my breathing was, how the music made me feel, how during the walk there seemed to be something I had to push through.  At first I was stiff and I as I walked I found that eventually the stiffness went away.  Then I found certain muscles ached but then I found that as I walked through it, the muscles felt better.  I found at times that I couldn't catch my breath but with awareness and focus I was able to slow it down and breathe more deeply.

During the day when I felt stiff or cramped, I would get up and walk around.  I was aware of my hubby and how he seemed to be feeling and noticed his actions and reactions to things I said. 

I also noticed at times when I would slip into negative thinking - luckily it was not very often and then I would change those thoughts.  I find myself more …


Now it is the time of year when we actually start working on our intentions - we plant the seeds - we start actively spending energy to make our seeds of intent grow.

This year is amazing to me - I am so energized.
Today I got the keys to my office so I can star being a therapist.
So let's see how I am coming along with each of my intents.

1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
I have been walking a lot  - 22 walks - 30.3 miles - 9:43 hours of walking since the beginning of the calendar year.  I have also signed up for a 5K in April.  I am eating healthier and I am taking better care of myself emotionally.

2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
I have been working with my son on time management and he was able to raise his grades - 2 As, 3 Bs and 1 C!  I am positive and supportive and try to help him understand his options.

3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the…

My Quest for Peace - Day 32

I am very blessed to have very special, deep and meaningful relationships with those that are around me most often.  I hope to continue to cultivate more of those friendships as I open up and spend more time with more people.

My Quest for Peace - Day 31

I long to be loved deeply and appreciatively by my daughter.  I wrote a letter today and sent it to her to show her how much I love and appreciate she is my daughter.  I also showed that same deep love and appreciation to my son and husband.