Showing posts from 2014

Yule / WInter Solstice

Today is Winter Solstice otherwise known as Yule.  My hubby, son and I celebrate it as our main winter holiday.  We still have Christmas stockings on Christmas morning but today is when we each give each other thoughtful or handmade presents.

I enjoy Yule because it lets us get away from the hectic Christmas season.  We plan ahead because we know there is not last minute Christmas Eve shopping for us.

We celebrated Yule just the 3 of us.  Each of us liked our gifts and were thrilled at how well each of us knew each other.

We had a nice dinner and dessert (Yule Log).  It was so nice and relaxing.

Full Moon Before Yule or Long Night Moon or Full Oak Moon

Full Oak Moon is the full moon before Yule. 
The oak is a symbol of strength and eternity.
When the winter is in full reign over the Earth, it is important to remember the oak’s endurance. To survive the trials of winter, people must find within themselves the oak’s great strength.

It is important at this time of year that roots are pushed deep into the Earth so you can survive through the storms - no wonder it is a time of family gatherings and sharing of resources (Thanksgiving, Holiday events and such) - we need our families and they help us find our inner strength when the world around us seems brutally cold.

This Full Moon was important to me.  With my hubby losing his last family member that he knew - it is important that I work to keep my family roots strong to support him.  He needs to see that he now has a family of love who support him and he can feel confident he is not alone in this world.

Beaver Full Moon / Frost Full Moon

Beaver Moon, sometimes called Frost Moon is usually the full moon in November.

From Wikipedia: Two reasons are given for the coupling of the November moon with the flat-tailed aquatic animal: (a) November is a month when many hunters used to set leghold traps for beaver,[1] and (b) November is a month when many beaver families are especially active in rebuilding their beaver lodges and dams.[2] Much of the mammals' building and repair work takes place by moonlight, because the beaver is primarily nocturnal. Both explanations implicate November's position as the last full month before the coming of winter, as beaver (which do not hibernate) need to have ready access to food during the cold months, and need to grow an especially lush pelt of fur so as to be prepared. By the traditional valuation standards of the fur trade, a late-fall beaver pelt was worth more than a pelt harvested during other seasons of the year.

My husband's grandfather passed away last month.  We n…

Samhain/Halloween/Our 6th Wedding Anniversary

So this year my seeds of intent were:

1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her as she goes into adulthood.

One thing that I have learned to trust although it is still really hard is that when you put an intention out there and focus on it, you have to understand that it may not come to fruition the way you planned or thought it would. 

1.  I continued walking but still struggling to be consistent.  I have been working to do more self care (mini vacations) and to organizing my schedule better.

2.  My son is now in his 2nd year of college and doing really well.  He is going to work on getting his driver's license.  He worked during the summer to earn e…

Hunter's Full Moon or Harvest Full Moon is the first full moon after Mabon

The Hunter's or Harvest Full Moon is the first full moon after Mabon (Autumn Equinox). 

The Hunter's Full Moon is named because the full moon give light to hunters tracking their prey before the cold winter settles in.  They are able to stock up on the protein they will need to make it through the winter.

It is also known as the Harvest Full Moon because we are harvesting all that we worked for this year. 

Today while making dinner with my son, I realized this is the dream that I had - this is what I have always wanted for my family - full of peace and love - hubby calls to say he is on his way home - kids and I make dinner together - laughing and joking and then when hubby is home everyone sits down and has dinner together. Tonight I had that with my son and my hubby. Some people thought I wanted the drama in my life - but today I can say - nope - I really love this calm and peace - finally I have what I always dreamed of and strived for. A perfect night.   Th…

Mabon / Fall Equinox

The last several years I have been away from home on Mabon.  This year I am partially not home.  I am traveling yesterday and today to Berkeley, CA to go to the CAMFT Board Meetings.  Normally I am at the ATTACh Conference but this year it was in Florida and I didn't have the funds to go. 
This year has been really interesting.  Last year, I got involved with a small group of people who saw some things we felt were wrong and we got together and reached out to the rest of the membership.  At the board meeting this time last year, they listened to our voice and we exacted change!  This year I am sitting here watching the board work and 5 members of our small group are now on the board!  What a harvest.
This year is also hard, right now my husband is watching over his grandfather's end of life.  It is hard to let go but a good time of year to let go.  It will be hard for my husband as this is his last remaining relative. 
Let peace go where we let things go and let everythi…

Death with Dignity

So this weekend was spent with my hubby visiting his grandfather who is now in a 24 hour nursing facility.  Grandpa wants to die, he is 93 years old (almost 94), gotten too weak to care for himself, lost his wife a few years ago and really no longer has a good quality of life.

Why must this wonderful, self sufficient man be forced to waste away in pain and discomfort both emotionally and physically when he feels he has lived a long and wonderful life.  We do not want him to leave but watching him wither away is not right.  He no longer wants to be here - I hate that we have to watch this proud man lose his dignity as he slowly dies.  It breaks my heart that if one of my pets no longer is able a decent quality of life, it is ok to let them go, but it is not ok for a human being.

I hope and pray now that Grandpa has made his decision that he does not want to live any longer, he is able to go rather quickly.

Full Harvest of Fruit Moon

This is the time we start reaping our harvest.  Seeing what we actually gained for all of our hard work.  These are my seeds of intend this turn of the wheel:

1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her as she goes into adulthood.

And I am reaping:
1.  I am down to monthly on my allergy shots, got my female problems taken care of, and found that to be emotionally healthy, seed #4 would have to be let go.
2.  My son is doing really well - in his 2nd year of college, has a job, and is becoming more and more independent and responsible. I support him and try to help when needed but mostly let him learn by doing.
3.  I am gaining more clients and slowly working up …

How do I move on?

Another night of nightmares.  How do I move on?  I have so much anger and hurt towards what my daughter did to us.  No closure.  She does not seem to care how much she hurt us or what it cost us or how much work we had to do to try to recover.  She just lives her life.  While as a therapist I understand how her brain works and she is just unable to really take ownership of her behaviors nor really have empathy as to what damage she causes - the mom in me hurts so bad that I trusted her and was working with her to try and give her a good chance at life and she would do this to me.

This is one of those things that really hurts.  She wrote this message on Facebook after she broke into my house and trashed it and then stole my car and drove, using my stolen credit card to get gas and to buy Starbucks gift cards.  That she can write this while actually hurting me - hurts me even worse.
Then a couple of days later she writes this.  Despite the fact she left lots of evidence, she would conti…

The most terrifying night of my life

It has taken me 2 months to be able to write this as I am still overwhelmed by what happened and the series of events since.

Note sure how to start - Well first I should say if you are triggered easily by violence and fears of murder and torture - I would highly recommend you stop reading now.

So let's start with the news article and then I will tell the story through my eyes (by the way the woman in the article is my daughter.)

Monday, Jun 16 2014 06:02 PM
Reports: Beating, rape was payback for gun theftThe brutal beating and rape of a woman late last month was allegedly payback for the woman's failure to prevent the theft of a pimp's gun from her motel room, according to court filings.

The woman told police Michael Durand Lenoir was "furious" when he discovered an acquaintance of his had taken a black revolver from the woman's motel room in the 900 block of Union Avenue, the reports say. Lenoir, 41, tracked her down in the area of Union Avenue and Brundage Lan…

Super Moon - Full Green Corn Moon or Grain Moon

The Super Moon only intensifies it's pull on the Earth - Green Corn Full Moon or Grain Full Moon is the 2nd moon after the Summer Solstice.  We are in full swing of getting things ready for the harvest.  We are harvesting some of our crops and seeing how good our intentions are and getting other crops ready to harvest.

Not a lot of time yet to enjoy our bounty as we still have a lot to do - but we are starting to see what our hard work has given us.  For me, I am enjoying my son's successes - starting to let go of my hurt and pain of what my daughter did to me.  Coming up with more ideas for my practice and starting to feel better about the direction of my health.  I am try to only look at this moment and near future and not obsess about the far future.  Hopefully the harvest will be good with the Super Moon glowing above us.

Lughnasadh or Lammas - 1st Harvest - 2014

Time goes so fast.  It is now Lughnasadh.  We celebrate together as we all work to bring in the harvest.  I am struggling with how to come to terms with my relationship with my daughter.  I have been working to let go and to focus on other things - but I cannot help but wish things had ended better.  I do not want to enable her and yet the system does that.  
I focus on my son doing well though - in a few days he will be back from his summer job and I look forward to seeing him a bit more.  Another year is just about to start with school and a crazy work schedule as my clients come back from vacations.  The harvest kind of feels disorganized this year but maybe when you are working to bring in the harvest you are just a bit overwhelmed by the magnitude of the harvest and the work it takes.
Change is hard but sometimes we need it.

Love and Loss

I just couldn't bring myself to update my blog for such a long time.  I am so very torn and hurt and am grieving so much. 

Since my daughter came back from her out of state placement and was put in group homes in this state - she has been going down a dark and scary road.  She started using drugs again - mainly meth and pot.  She was no longer taking her medications that help her keep herself together.  She was refusing to follow any of the rules of the group homes and getting in fights.

She rarely went to school for the whole day - yet her 3rd school in 5 months would graduate her anyway.  Group homes had no control of her.  She choose to actually leave one group home to move in with a pimp and a drug dealer.  When her life was in danger she called me - I got her to a hospital and prayed that she would see how destructive of a path she was on.

Then she went to another group home and the moment she got money she left.  This time trying to move in with someone else who would be arr…

Full Hay Moon 2014

The Full Hay Moon is also sometimes called Thunder Moon.  It is the first moon after the Summer Solstice.  As the name implies it is when we can harvest hay.  At this time it is a good to start focusing on what we will do with our harvest and how best to harvest the fruits of our labor.  That last sentence may seem backwards but you must first know what you want to do with your fruits  - to know how to harvest.  For example if something did not work out like you wanted, it might be best to learn from it and use it as fertilizer for the next set of crops.  Maybe the fruit just wasn't so sweet so maybe you will dry it instead of canning it.  This lets you know how you will go about harvesting it.

This year I am still struggling with what to do and understand about my last seed of intent - supporting my daughter and not enabling her.  Right now I have cut off contact with her.  I will press charges regarding my home and car, I feel like a whirlpool of emotions about her ri…

Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of Summer - 2014

Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of summer.  This is the longest day of the year and now the nights will lengthen.  This is a time of manifestation.  We are seeing what the hard work on our intentions look like.

This year my intentions are:
1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her as she goes into adulthood.
So 1.  I am becoming my physically healthy. I have now focused on getting my blasted allergies under control and just finished up my weekly shots.  I am seeing a doctor regularly and my blood levels are mostly normal.  I have been working on some female issues but instead of ignoring them like I used to, I am being proactive and working wit…

Full Strawberry Moon

Full Strawberry Moon is also called Rose Moon or Flower Moon.  Called the Full Strawberry Moon in our area because the strawberries are ready to be picked.  It is one of the first harvests of the year.  Like strawberries we start to see the fruits of our labor.  This is a good time to focus on the seedlings that have started to really grow. 

In my personal life, this year, my son is turning 19 and going away to work for the summer.  He has really matured and taken on quite a bit of responsibility.  He finished his last semester with a 4.0 and I am very proud of him.  My daughter has had some set backs but has seemed to make some progress and I am seeing some positive growth in our relationship..  I continue to focus on building my therapy practice by networking and advertising and am starting to see some positive growth.

Full Milk Moon

It is often called the Milk Moon because baby goats and calves have just started to be born so cow and goat milk is plentiful.   It is a time when planting is the main focus and birth and new life is plentiful.

I am taking this time to continue to put energy into my new practice to nurture it with the ideas and sustenance I have been receiving.  It will take time and hard work but it will pay off eventually.

I am also taking this time to nurture my new relationship with my son (since we are fully moving to an adult relationship - exciting and scary at the same time).

Beltane /May Day 2014

Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive.

My Seeds of Intent
1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
*  I have been eating a bit better and am focusing on many things such as allergy shots so I can breathe better and also some female issues that have to be dealt with.  After that, I will be working on my insulin and glucose issues.

2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
* He is going to be working away from home during the summer which is going to be my first big step in letting him try life on his own.

3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
* I am starting to get more phone calls and more new …

Full Seed Moon

The Seed Full Moon is a time for planting first crops, especially corn.  It is when you start to make things happen and the energy to start to create.  Seeds will be planted and creation will happen.  The seeds will start to sprout from this energy.  This is a good time in your personal life to really dig your heels in and start those projects you intended to start this year.  Today especially the energy is very powerful towards creativity and initiating the beginning of what you start.  We will also experience a total lunar eclipse which is exciting and often shows the beginning, ending or major change in relationships.

My daughter just was placed in a group home several hours from home.  I feel there may be a really drastic change to our relationship because of the distance - I am not sure if it will be good or bad but she will be on her own much more and I will not be able to see her as often as roundtrip drive is basically an entire day.

I am using this time to focus on bu…

Ostara, First Day of Spring

Today, March 20th, is the first day of SPRING!!!!
This is what is happening to my seeds of intent:
1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
- I am nearly finished with my allergy shots and being able to feel good and more active and especially enjoy nature is really helping me become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.  Also my medications have now put me in the normal range for blood work and blood pressure!

2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
- I have been prodding my son in the right direction but letting him make his own mistakes and understand the consequences of his actions both positive and negative.  He has been thriving and I am letting him make most of his own decisions. 

3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
- It is hard not to become depressed and frustrated with the sl…

Full Storm Moon

Today is the Full Storm Moon.  Storms are often brewing in the weather and in our lives.  This moon is at the end of February or in March and before the Vernal Equinox.  The weather is violently vacillating between winter and spring.  Often we are dealing with the same in our own emotional realm.  We are struggling between still being in our dark realm of self-reflection and starting to come out and be part of a community.  We struggle to make room for others in our plans or seeing how our plans affect others. This year I struggle with what I think my children should do (they are now adults) and letting them do what they choose to do so they can learn their own path and choices.

It is frustrating when you watch others make bad choices, and not trying to rescue or enable them.  I need to continue to work internally on myself and externally on my new role is a parent of adult children.

Enabling or Protecting?

So yesterday was he** for me.  My daughter (18 and living in a group home under the AB12 program - Extended foster care) a few days before had gone to a city about 115 miles from where she lives.  She had a ride down there but the ride ditched her.  The friend's parent she was staying with said time to go.  My daughter had no money, no ID or anything helpful. 

This was only 5 days since the last time she got stranded (that time in my city which is only 45 min from her home) at 3am and I picked her up and took her back to her home.

So what to do - I was so torn.
One part of me was like - she needs to learn - she will have to fend for herself and maybe she will stop this BS. 
Another part of me was thinking - well I want her to learn to trust in family so I should go.
Another part of me was thinking I am enabling her but not letting her serve consequences for her actions.
And yet another part of me knows the only way for her to get home now is to hitchhike which will have one of the…

One small step.. One short mile

Despite the high winds, I forced myself to walk a mile.  My mom had given me her old iphone and I am able to use it as an ipod touch.  I used the mapmywalk app and it was great.  Now I am hoping that helps motivate me to continue to walk.  tomorrow I am going to try for 1.5 miles - hopefully not as windy so my breathing isn't as bad.

In other news, I am saddened that my daughter is not going to school regularly and doesn't seem to take it seriously.

My son is doing pretty well, I am a bit worried that he is staying out so late but at least he goes to his college classes everyday and he is working.

I am looking forward to taking a short vacation this weekend!

Making progress....

So today although I was tired, I really worked to get my stuff done.  I feel like tomorrow I will be able to start walking again.  It is so weird for me having been so tired the last couple weeks.  I think I finally have kicked what was making me feel so bad.

In other exciting news - on allergy shots - I am now on the highest level - there are about 9 more times I could make it through if my body lets me.  I am looking forward to when I can not have to do this weekly but excited that things are affecting me a lot less than they used to.

Sooo hard to watch.....

So my daughter is now 18.  She is making some bad choices and it is sooooo very hard to watch her do that.

Her FaceBook Timeline is so disgusting to me - she talks about doing drugs and jumping people and sexual acts she is doing - along with photos of it all.

She says one thing but is doing the opposite.  I am just so sad this is the path she has chosen.
I have cried about it and gotten angry - but it just is so darn hard to watch - cannot really say anything else other than that.

A moment to say how awesome our relationship is....

So this weekend, I was reading some of my favorite blogs and this one, "The Chill Out Fire Storm" made me realize how awesome my husband and my relationship is.  These phrases:
1) Chillax.
2) You are being irrational.
3) Stop stressing out. It’s no big deal.
4) Have you taken your medication?
5) Is it that time of the month?
6) You are overreacting.
7) You are always upset about something.

or something close to them were often uttered by my partner in my previous relationships.  Not one of those is used by either my husband or myself.  When either of us are stressed, we empathize and do not "blame" the other or invalidate each others' feelings.

I think that really keeps our relationship awesome.

It made me realize how much we are naturally validating, respectful and loving towards each other.
I am so happy to have such a wonderful relationship with my husband.

Full Snow Moon, Full Hunger Moon, or Full Wolf Moon

This time of year our ancestors struggled to find food, were cold and often struggled to have hope.  This is a good time to focus on what the future holds and to getting through the tough times.  This time of year always seems to be hard for me to get through.  Finances are tough from the holidays, trying to plan for the future and making it through the day, it can be hard to have hope.

This is the time of year that I struggle and usually start to find the my seeds of intent are not going to come out the way I thought they would.  But If I focus on doing what seems right to my gut and focus on moving forward in the direction I feel compelled, I find that my path unfolds as it should.

This is a full moon that I often ask to be shown the way and even if it seems divergent from my original plans, I follow the path that is shown - it always turns out to be the best path for me.

Imbolc - time to start working on my intentions

Now it is the time of year when we actually start working on our intentions - we plant the seeds - we start actively spending energy to make our seeds of intent grow.

So let's see how I am coming along with each of my intents.

1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
I had started walking at the beginning of the year - but I have fallen off a bit - I am going to try to get back on the wagon and start walking again.

2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
It has been hard but he did not get the grades he needed to - so I am supporting him in finding a way to pay for school on his own.  I am encouraging his new job and his schooling and trying to give gentle reminders to focus on organizing himself.

3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
I am now advertising more and hoping to build my practice.


Old Moon\Full Wolf Moon or Full Moon after Yule or even Ice Moon

Here in Northern California we are dealing with one of the warmest winters ever while the rest of the country has been really cold.  It feels odd to be walking around in a sundress in January.

I am focusing inwardly on ideas and ways to grow my practice and to be more connected with friends, family and community.  I am also taking time to work on myself.  I am walking and exercising more and today I even got my flu shot.

The First Full Moon of 2014 - everything seems a bit off this year with the weather - I wonder if that is a hint of what is yet to come.

Growing up....

This weekend was busy.  On Friday, my son was a groomsman for a good friend's wedding.  He seemed so grown up - going to a bachelor party, handling groomsmen tasks. 

While at the wedding I realized how my position has changed.  I watched a couple dancing (the groom's parents) and thought how cool they were dancing to pop music from the 80s and then I realized they are probably actually close to my age - maybe a bit older - I have now become a parent to an adult - a new rite of passage.

Saturday, we had my son's Eagle Court of Honor.  There were dignitaries and such.  It was fun and it was serious - my son is an Eagle Scout and I am a mom of an Eagle Scout!  Wow!  Afterwards my son went to hang out with a friend that in a couple of weeks will be going on his mission for two years!  The kids that were laughing and joking in my house are adults now - everyone is growing up.

Sunday, my hubby and my son and I went to go see Princess Bride in a theater.  It was fun and because e…