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Showing posts from March, 2013

My Quest for Peace - Day 90

Yes.
I learned to take responsibility for me in December 2006.  It has been exciting and hard.  The benefit is I get to truly feel good about my accomplishments.  The hard part is being responsible for my mistakes but on the other hand I learn from my mistakes now because I take ownership of them and learn from them - when you do not take ownership or responsibility for your mistakes you really cannot learn from them because you do not learn what you need to change at your core to keep the mistakes from happening again.

Today I will re-create my sanctuary, my space and my organization that I have gotten off track with.
Today I will smile and laugh and give myself permission to feel joy and let others see my joy which should allow everyone to not have so much negativity around (especially the negativity that was from me)

My Quest for Peace - Day 89

I struggle with staying focused and not multi-tasking.  Being bi-polar I have a million things running at any given time in my head and it is a struggle to just follow one thought without being distracted by others.  Throughout my life I have learned to follow several at the same time (although this has caused me to not remember lots of things) but it gave me some unique abilities in my old career.  As an IT professional it was a wonderful ability - something goes wrong and my mind could simultaneously follow several possible solutions to their conclusion and I was able to determine the best course.  I enjoyed the benefits.

The negatives though is I struggle to pay attention to a movie and remember it - I joke that I can pick up a book or movie and it will always be new to me even if I have read it or watched it before.  As I am changing careers to become a therapist - I am working hard on focusing myself even more.  I have taken steps to doing that by putting my laptop in my office a…

My Quest for Peace - Day 88

I have been struggling for years - ever since I can remember - with trying to please other people.  I know pleasing others has caused much of my own heartbreak and grief.  It has been a long journey so far and I know it will continue for sometime.  My hubby is helping me heal this way.  I have finally learned that I do not always have to worry the moment he is in a bad mood that I need to please him or make him happy in some way.  He has helped me see that I have earned things on my own and accomplished things on my own that deserve their own rewards and I should enjoy them and not set them aside to try to please someone else.

It is a slow process since I still look for affirmations outside of myself, but I am getting better.  I now follow my path and do not apologize if someone doesn't like it or change my direction because it would make someone else happy.  I am now working on making myself happy and slowly learning what that means.  I acknowledge I have a long way to go but I W…

My Quest for Peace - Day 87

As I sit quietly feeling the peace and energy within, I find my thoughts wandering to finding a way to come to peace and terms with my daughter and my love for her.  I find I keep getting held back by past hurts and not allowing myself to just fully live in the moment of love with her.  When I talk to her and visit with her, she tries to hurt me to keep me away, I know she is afraid of love.  If I back away from that love how will she ever learn that you can love even if there is pain. 

I feel a warmth and peace settle over me as I say my daughter's name and that I love her.  I find myself opening up to peace and happiness at just loving life.  I will try to keep reconnecting like this so that I can focus on love in the moment and not hurt of the past.

My Quest for Peace - Day 86

I resist losing weight.  I am not really sure why.  I give up too easily.  I know my eating plan - I know what I should do but instead I end up stuffing my face instead of dealing with the discomfort of changing my eating habits.  I like certain foods that are not good for me and I struggle to limit the amount I eat.

I recently made excuses not to walk.  I need to start walking again and to get back on a healthier diet.
I am resistant to change especial eating my comfort foods.  I am going to plan to start walking and eating properly again.  I will not try to put my head in the sand any longer.

Seed Full Moon

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The Seed Full Moon is a time for planting first crops, especially corn.  It is when you start to make things happen and the energy to start to create.  Seeds will be planted and creation will happen.  The seeds will start to sprout from this energy.  This is a good time in your personal life to really dig your heels in and start those projects you intended to start this year.  Today especially the energy is very powerful towards creativity and initiating the beginning of what you start.

Today I will finish writing up all of my paperwork for my practice and I will also set some ideas in motion to create my practice in a unique way.

My Quest for Peace - Day 85

For me this was an easy assignment because I have already done it.  I have already ended my negative relationships and let go of hurt and anger.  I do have some relationships that are not as healthy as I would like, but I have changed them so they are as positive as they can be and I have limited my involvement level so I do not get angry and hurt anymore.  Some of these are just relationships that are close and I need so it is worth working on them and dealing with them at a different level.

Several years ago I started "cleaning house" of my negative and unhealthy relationships.  It was tough to do, but I found it freeing and then worked on having more positive relationships and I found I was not held back anymore.

Since then I have worked to always let go of relationships that are no longer positive.  I believe people come into our lives for a reason and for some, when that reason is gone, the relationship needs to end or it becomes toxic.  Others, we need to change to all…

My Quest for Peace - Day 84

I work hard at being present for my son.  I try to stop what I am doing and just talk with him and focus on him.  I am lucky enough to have him in my life - 16 years ago he was almost taken away from us. I try to always do a bedtime routine when he is home and we try to laugh a lot.

Lately he has had some tough times to navigate with friends and relationships - I try to listen, give some advice but really see things from his perspective and help him see lessons that he and others can learn.

With my daughter, I try to be the most positive roll model possible for her since she is struggling so much.  Parenting her from afar as allowed me to be her cheerleader.  I try to focus on the here and now and not the hurt of the past.

Today, I listened to my son and enjoyed some time with him.


My Quest for Peace - Day 83

Today, I virtually extended grace to my daughter.  Even though I did not see or talk to her, I took time today and really thought about how much she is struggling at this moment and how much her past is effecting her behaviors today.  I extended her grace so that when I talk to her again, I can come from a place of understanding that at this time she is doing the best she knows how to do.  I can only expect her to do her best and at this time this is the best she is able to do.

My Quest for Peace - Day 82

In the past year, I have really learned that letting go can be very positive.  I am by nature a very controlling person, so letting go is not easy for me.  I have found though over and over in my life that if I can let go of the pain, the hurt, and the control, I can create room for healing, happiness and peace.  I am now able to distance myself from the hurt and pain of things in my childhood and in many of my relationships.  I am instead able to look at the challenges and lessons I was able to learn and realize that all of that was necessary in order to have a wonderful relationship with my hubby.  Being able to learn to not see things through the lens of my past all of the time, has allowed me to open up and feel a deep love and peace.  I would not be the same person I am now if it had not been for the pain and hurt I had in my past.  I love who I am and I only became that person through my experiences.

My Quest for Peace - Day 81

I really only have one person I am in conflict with and she is teaching me through our relationship so many things.  I am learning understanding and patience.  She is my daughter and it is probably the relationship that has helped me grow the most because I am constantly striving to better myself as our relationship brings to my attention the things I still need to work on.  This relationship has challenged me in everyway possible and when I accept those challenges and work on myself, I like who I become.  When I get carried away with the negativity, I quickly find that i do not like who I become.

My Quest for Peace - Day 80

I am still working on detaching a bit more in my life in regards to my daughter.  I often get caught up with the emotions and re-act rather than detaching and understanding my emotions.  I know our past has triggers and I need to work harder at realizing when I am triggered and detach so I can change the way I act and re-act.  If I can do this, I will be able to create a much more positive relationship with my daughter.

My Quest for Peace - Day 79

I thought of the complainers in my life and those who take life by the horns and think positively.  I wrote them down but will not put them here.  When I think of being around those who complain vs. those who deal with life as it comes, I find I much rather be around those who are positive.  I will strive to make myself more positive and to live life as it comes.

Ostara/Spring Equinox/Beginning of Spring

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Today, March 20th (4:02am Pacific Time), is the first day of SPRING!!!! 
 This is a time of creation and time to really start working the fields so we can watch our crops grow.  To the left are pictures of spring starting in my yard!

So now I take a look at my intentions and where I am currently and what I need to do to create the environment that my intentions can flourish.

1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
Well I am doing that, though I have started slipping on the physically healthy but as of yesterday I created a new pledge to myself for walking and took a walk yesterday.  I am going to really try to work harder on this and create the time I need to take care of myself and allow this intention to grow.


2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
This one has been frustrating as I am watching my son struggle so much with his school work.  Then I remembered that I need to j…

My Quest for Peace - Day 78

I need to attend "exercise class" today.  I have neglected to stay the course on my walking.  I WILL go to "PE" today and take a nice walk.  I need to remember the values of walking and how good it made me feel.  I can do it.  Today I need to learn how important exercise is to my well being.

My Quest for Peace - Day 77

Today I cleaned out one drawer in my desk and scanned all of the paperwork I got at the Attach conference so I could shred and dispose of it while still having the information.  (Now to finish up writing it up on my blog).  It felt nice to get that drawer that wouldn't even open organized and nearly empty.

My Quest for Peace - Day 76

I have had so many changes in my life.  I am working at building my dream career and getting a lot of positive feedback and also just enjoying it.  I am getting new ideas daily that I try out and I am less afraid of trying new things.  I am willing to speak up and not afraid what others think.  I am finding a deeper and more wonderful love with my hubby than I ever thought possible.  My office is very creative and I did it from my heart and spirit.  It makes me feel peaceful and creative when I am in my office.  My newest idea is to start teaching parenting classes.  My newest desire is to find a way to really help change the system in which many families work in to try and get help and services.  My new need is to finding new places to connect with potential clients.  My newest goal is to walk - even just a little outside every day.

My Quest for Peace - Day 75

Today I am doing Day 74 in the book as I did the Day 75 yesterday.
Today is my mental health day.
I got up when I felt like it (after taking my son where he needed to go early in the AM - I went back to bed)
I took a nice long shower.
I enjoyed a leisurely walk outside and looked at the beautiful flowers.
I watched some movies I had wanted to watch.
I talked to some friends.
I just really relaxed and I have an awesome hubby who told me I deserved a break and he was glad to get us dinner so I could just relax.

My Quest for Peace - Day 74

Since I could not do a mental health day today because of prior engagements - I am doing Day 75 in the book today and Day 74 tomorrow. 

Today, even though it was going to be busy and crazy - I slowed it down.  I made sure I had enough time to watch the sunrise this morning.  I made sure that I left time for lunch and relaxing with my hubby.  In between times of picking up and dropping off my son, I read a fun book or played relaxing computer games on my Kindle.

I looked at the beautiful spring flowers and took pictures.  I enjoyed the warmth of the sun outside.  I slowed down and it made my very busy day rather calm and not frantic.

My Quest for Peace - Day 73

Today I have been good to myself - I have been loving and caring to myself.  I had to fly to see my daughter today.  I made sure I ate breakfast, instead of just trying to "make it" on airline snack food.  I listened to music to calm me.  I drank lots of water to help my legs not swell.  I took everything including therapy with my daughter in a calm manner.  I took care of myself by staying in a state of peace and love, which made everything much easier.  I was good to myself and it paid off as I came home and was in a great mood and I was able to love my daughter more because I was able to love myself more.

My Quest for Peace - Day 72

I feel more at ease.  Even though this affirmation is nothing much different than what I know - speaking it makes such a difference.  I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I realize that reading and speaking makes a bigger impact than reading alone.

My Quest for Peace - Day 71

I struggle hardest not to be controlling.  I always feel the need to control or to be in control because I hate feeling the uncertainty of being out of control or not knowing what will happen.  The less I am in control the more I want to take control.

So today I will really sit with the feeling of wanting to be in control and controlling.  I will really feel it and feel the underlying fear of not knowing.  Then at the end of the day I will let it go.

Update:
I paid attention all day on how I felt and how much I wanted to control and at times how much I did control.  I paid real close attention every time I wanted to control as to why and what was making me feel uncomfortable so I wanted to be in control and it all came down to fear of it not going like I wanted or planned.  At the end of the day I acknowledged how I felt and let it go and used the mantra of what will be, will be.  I am going to keep working on that so I can let go of the control.

My Quest for Peace - Day 70

Anger - I really do not hold any anger anymore.  I was angry at the world and my daughter for awhile because of our situation, but I have since let go of that anger and it is much easier to work with her without all of that anger which was really fear that I was a bad mother and hurt from not having a reciprocal relationship.

Who am I?
Why is it that I do what I do in this life?
I want my legacy to be that I was caring and thoughtful and worked to help heal the world one person at a time.

I am a mother, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a friend and an advocate to those around me.  I am someone who takes challenges given to me and learns from them.  I take what I learn and help teach it so that I am part of the solution.  I am worthy of respect and love because I respect and love myself for the things I choose to do in my life.  


My Quest for Peace - Day 69

One of the biggest changes I had was giving up custody of my daughter.  I fought so hard not to do it, and it turned out to be the best opportunity for her.  My fear of moving to where I am now was again very strong and I fought against it - I was afraid my son would do poorly, that I wouldn't have support - and just the opposite happened.  Most of the time I try to embrace change because I know it is usually to open up better opportunities.  Sometimes though I just get scared and don't want to let go of the familiar.  I am getting better and better at that now though as I see that if I move forward in a positive manner positive things happen.

My Quest for Peace - Day 68

I have learned when I really listen to my gut, I do the right thing and things work out.  When I am chaotic and pushing myself and not listening - it is then when my path goes astray and I end up having to change direction and have more of a mess to deal with.

I still struggle to really listen to my gut - but I am getting better at it.

My Quest for Peace - Day 67

I am very lucky that my hubby and my son are big on touch.  I am still allowed to hug and kiss my nearly 18 year old son every night.  Heck he even lets me hug or kiss him in front of his friends.  My hubby holds my hand a lot and we cuddle every day we are near each other.  The past few days he has been away having surgery but we talked as much as we could on the phone and expressed how we would be touching and cuddling and holding each other if we were together. 

When we first met (my hubby and I), I was overwhelmed by how much he was into touch.  I had never been cuddled most of the night before and at first found it to be suffocating.  I realized it only felt that way because I was still trying to remain controlled and distant.  When I finally gave in and accepted his healing touch and allowed him into my world and heart, I found it was very healing and loving.  It was through this touch that I learned to really love deeply including learning to love and trust myself.

My Quest for Peace - Day 66

Today I practiced conscious breathing.  Several times during the day I stopped what I was doing and just focused on my breath.  I am finding it easier and easier to close out everything else and just focus on my breath.  I have progressively been doing this more often when I am stressed and finding it really does bring calm and rational thought.

Continued Transitioning Transformation

Yesterday my hubby flew to another state to have another surgery for his transition from FTM (although he has been living as male for 13 years).  It has been a long process - it has been just over a year since his first lower surgery.

Last night as we talked on the phone he told me that he was thinking of responding to someone in a forum that was very gender dysphoric and was wondering if it was worth having the lower surgery done.  I asked my hubby what he would respond and I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he would tell the person that while it will not "solve" or "fix" the dysphoria it would help.  He said there would be times during the process you would question if it was worth it but in the end it would be better than before.  He told me that he DOES feel better and it is more an absence of things that shouldn't have been there (female parts, holes where they don't belong) than what is there.  He said it is nice not having to have a packer anymo…

My Quest for Peace - Day 65

Relationships. 
This one is easy for me now because I have spent so much time in the past few years dealing with this.  I am now in a relationship over 6 years old with my hubby and it is wonderful because he respects me for who I am - not what I do - he has seen me make money and he has seen me unemployed.  He has seen me happy and optimistic and been by my side and called into work when I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed and face the world.

Last year, the relationship that was the most toxic, my daughter's and my relationship, changed.  I realized I could no longer help her with our relationship the way it was.  Her relationship was also damaging the relationships with all of the other people I care about in my life.  Although at the time I felt forced to do it, I relinquished custody of her to CPS and it turned out to be the best thing.  Now we can focus on a grown mother/daughter relationship and I can advocate for her but we can rebuild to something much ni…

Forgiveness

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This is one of my posts that has been on the back burner for some time.  I originally started it because I read the book - The Devil In Pew Number Seven. I don't want to give the story away, but this girl that endures horrific problems and violence is able to forgive this man who destroyed her childhood and her family. 


I was shocked when I read that she forgave him because to me what he did was basically unforgivable.  But then I started reading and thinking about forgiveness.  And started realizing a few things.  There is forgiving and there is forgetting.  Forgiving is all about allowing the person who wronged you to take up space in your head and sap your energy.  To not forgive is to hold a grudge and to remain a victim.  It is really hard to let it go and to forgive and to use what happened as a learning experience.  You can forgive and get your life back but you should not forget what that person did.


For example, if your friend went behind your back and started rumors abo…

My Quest for Peace - Day 64

Present Moment Experiences that I can influence that bring me joy:
1.  Thinking of my hubby and his arms around me.
2.  Thinking of my son and all of his accomplishments.
3.  Thinking at how much I have accomplished and how well things are going.
4.  Taking a long hot shower with the window open so I can hear the birds.
5.  Taking a walk.
6.  Sitting outside just enjoying the sounds of nature and feeling my part in the energy of the world.

My Quest for Peace - Day 63

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After my hubby went to work this morning, despite feeling groggy and not so well, I did walk outside in the backyard and sat on the benches.  The sun was not out but it was trying and the overcast feel of the weather reminds us that Spring has not completely sprung - but it was a beautiful morning - the birds sing.  I am always an outside person.  I don't like cities and even told my hubby there was no way I could live up here in a city if I didn't have some place close I could feel connected.

I went out to run the sprinklers in the afternoon even though there might be some rain coming in a few days.  Purple flowers are starting to bloom in our front yard - so beautiful.  I love this little corner lot because we have so many trees and wild flowers.

In the evening I drove my son's friend home and then after I got out of the car when I got home I leaned up and looked at the moon trying to break through the clouds.  As the clouds blew by so much of my stress did.

I have to go…

My Quest for Peace - Day 62

I still struggle with trying to control my daughter's living situation.  I try to control the people that make the decisions about her living situation.  I need to practice a balance between trying to control and advocating for my daughter.  I get frustrated and it does not bring me peace when I deal with these issues.

I need to learn to let go and just to advocate for her but not try to control the situation.

My Quest for Peace - Day 61

My strong feelings I currently keep getting stuck in is my emotions and how I handle them. I am struggling with being anxious and worried about finances and my future which makes me eat in an unhealthy way.  I try to make them go away with food.

Today I focused on trying to really stay with the upset and anxious feelings and tried to sit with them and understand them - rather than stuff them.  I need to accept the truth that I am anxious, scared and nervous about our financial future instead of hiding from the feelings with food. 

I ate a bit better today and I worked hard at just allowing myself to feel anxious instead of eating to feel better.

My Quest for Peace - Day 60

It feels so good to see what I have accomplished in the last several years and even just recently.  I am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been.  I learned in December of 2006 that I could not allow my life, peace and happiness to be controlled by others.  I learned I could not change what others do.  When I got into my relationship with my hubby (my healthiest relationship by far), we decided we would not try to change each other.  I feel in love with him as he is - even his imperfections.  I have at times struggled with that (him sleeping late and such - but even then I remind myself that I chose to be with him and knew this is how he is so I should look for the positive side (like having quiet time to myself)).

I still do need a bit of love and support from my hubby to feel good about myself but I am getting better.  I am feeling more sure of myself and do not NEED him to give me so many positives and support - I enjoy getting it but slowly I am relying on myself more and …