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Showing posts from 2016

45 - Wow!

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So today I am 45 years old.   So much has changed.  My kids are grown up and moved out.  I have a 2nd career, Master's Degree and professional Marriage and Family Therapist Licenses in 2 states!
I have had many challenges in my life and many blessings.  I would like to start out this new year on the right foot so I am going to count 45 of my blessings - in no particular order.
1.  I am alive. 2.  I have pretty good health! 3.  I had an amazing electrocardiogram of my heart that showed it is very healthy! 4.  My lab tests are getting closer to normal. 5.  I am walking more and can walk more than 10 miles in a day. 6.  My life is getting calmer and I am learning to enjoy the challenges. 7.  Bipolar - yup it is a blessing - without the ability to live on nearly no sleep - I would not have made it through my Master's program. 8.  My daughter - she challenged me to better myself and be the best person I could be.  This also put me on the path to being a therapist. 9.  Being a thera…

New Year's Resolution

Every year I do New Year's Resolutions and every year within days or weeks I fail.  Then I beat myself up for not having stronger will power and though I promise myself that I can just restart, I somehow never get back to those resolutions.  Every year I get more anxious that I will fail quickly which then gives me self-doubt which drives me to sabotage myself so I don't have to be anxious that I will fail.

My birthday is December 31, so it makes it even easier to fall into this repeated cycle.  One year older, one year wiser - yup I should be able to do it THIS time.  But then my anxiety cranks up, I can't fail this time, or I am a failure. 

One year I planned on not making New Year's Resolutions so I wouldn't fall into my normal cycle, but by January 2nd,  I felt I was "being lazy" and "making excuses" not to make New Year's Resolutions so I made them and then within a month "failed".

So this year is going to be different, I am g…

Yule \ Winter Solstice 2016

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Tonight is Winter Solstice otherwise known as Yule.  My hubby and I are on our own this year.  We will still have Christmas stockings on Christmas morning but today it is just my hubby and I.  We are are learning our new family life with my son living out of the house.

I enjoy Yule because it lets us get away from the hectic Christmas season.  We plan ahead because we know there is not last minute Christmas Eve shopping for us.

This is the time of year to start planning how you are going to make your seeds of intent come to fruition.

Allowing myself to grieve

I was feeling pretty good about Yule, and then suddenly it hit.  It felt like a tidal wave of sadness just crashed over me.  For an hour or so I really felt like I couldn't figure out which way was up.  I cried, searched for signs of my daughter on facebook and the internet.  I hate not being able to talk to her or know if she is ok.  This is the first Yule that I am really disconnected from her.  I love her and yet I know for now I need to let her to go so she can grow up.  I have hindered her for long enough by enabling her.  It was hard but I just allowed myself to grieve knowing it is part of the process.

Full Oak Moon \ Full Moon Before Yule

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Full Oak Moon is the full moon before Yule.
The oak is a symbol of strength and eternity.
When the winter is in full reign over the Earth, it is important to remember the oak’s endurance. To survive the trials of winter, people must find within themselves the oak’s great strength.

It is important at this time of year that roots are pushed deep into the Earth so you can survive through the storms - no wonder it is a time of family gatherings and sharing of resources (Thanksgiving, Holiday events and such) - we need our families and they help us find our inner strength when the world around us seems brutally cold.

This year some of our traditions are changing as my son no longer lives at home.  Life is full of changes but it is important to keep connected.  We still will do Christmas Morning with stockings and we still got to have a family Christmas.  My hubby and I will celebrate Yule on our own this year BUT my son says he would like to celebrate Yule with us in 2017.  Keepin…

Being honest without fear of judgement

Since I gave the victim statement to the court for my daughter, I have been slowly working on coming to terms with letting go and allowing myself and my daughter to heal separately.  Then came time to start my annual family newsletter.  Do I just remove her?  That didn't sound right, but what do I do?  Through therapy, I realized I needed to be honest.  I have always been my daughter's PR person so to speak.  Making things sound the best they could so family could see the positive side of her.  I realize that is not my job anymore and I was able to nicely put that she is still struggling and we do not have contact. 

I know some will judge but I am finally becoming honest with myself that I have done everything I can and it is now time for both of us to heal on our own.

Beaver Full Moon or Frost Full Moon

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Beaver Moon, sometimes called Frost Moon is usually the full moon in November.

From Wikipedia: Two reasons are given for the coupling of the November moon with the flat-tailed aquatic animal: (a) November is a month when many hunters used to set leghold traps for beaver,[1] and (b) November is a month when many beaver families are especially active in rebuilding their beaver lodges and dams.[2] Much of the mammals' building and repair work takes place by moonlight, because the beaver is primarily nocturnal. Both explanations implicate November's position as the last full month before the coming of winter, as beaver (which do not hibernate) need to have ready access to food during the cold months, and need to grow an especially lush pelt of fur so as to be prepared. By the traditional valuation standards of the fur trade, a late-fall beaver pelt was worth more than a pelt harvested during other seasons of the year.

 I have been cleaning my "mental and emotional house&…

Samhain\8th Wedding Anniversary\Halloween

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So this year my seeds of intent were:
This year I had 4 seeds in my apple.

So this year my seeds of intent are:

And for this next year I got 4 seeds of intent and they are going to be:
1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range.
While I stumbled a bit, I was able to find out my heart is healthy and I am doing pretty good with my blood work.

2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker.
I will be speaking at an event in November and continue to speak at Sacramento State.

3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
I am learning to take what comes and work with it.  The Goddess is providing a wonderful learning experience with the path she is leading me on.

4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.
I now see it will be harder than I planned, and I know for at least a year or so we need to be here in Sacramento.

And for this next year I got 6 seeds …

Hunter's Full Moon or Blood Full Moon

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The Hunter's Full Moon or Blood Full Moon is the first full moon after Mabon (Autumn Equinox). 

The Hunter's Full Moon is named because the full moon give light to hunters tracking their prey before the cold winter settles in.  They are able to stock up on the protein they will need to make it through the winter.

In October, we see the Blood Moon travel through the sky. This moon is also called the Shedding Moon or the Falling Leaf Moon, depending on where you live. In many places, it's the Hunter's Moon - it's no coincidence that hunting season is in the late fall. Coming right before Samhain, this is a time when the nights are crisp and clear, and you can sense a change in the energy around you.

My daughter will be released from jail really soon.  A new chapter will start where I will not know where she is or what she is doing and that is tough - letting go will be really hard for me.



Fall Equinox/Autum Begins/Mabon

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This year I am really working at making healthy decisions.  Next week I will have foot surgery so that I can walk better and get myself back on track.   I am feeling pretty good about my life at this point in time.  I am working on myself emotionally and professionally.  My husband and I are still in love and I am looking forward to the weather cooling.
Let peace go where we let things go and let everything we let go, leave us with the knowledge and experiences we need for the future.

End of Harvest Full Moon

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This is the time we finish reaping our harvest.  Seeing what we actually gained for all of our hard work. Its time to finish bringing in the harvest and start decideing what we are going to do with our harvest.  Will we reinvest it, use it, trade it... so much to decide.  It is also a good time to see if what we harvested was really what we needed or wanted.


Letting Go......

Today I went to court to give my victim's statement re: my daughter's burglary charge from her burglarizing our home. Below is my statement. There is now a 5 year no contact order in place. I hope she gets her life together. To my daughter Grace,
Nearly 16 years ago you came into my life. I struggled to be the mom that you needed. I know I wasn't perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes. The worst day in my life was when I got the 1:30 am phone call by a man who was torturing you and was going to kill you if I didn't give him the money. 5 hours away, I had never felt so helpless, neither Bakersfield nor Sacramento Sheriff's Department could help me help you. I thought after all of that, things would change, but they didn't.
2 weeks after that horrible night, you broke my heart by breaking into our home. You allowed others to invade our home to party, trash it and steal from us. You stole our car and the credit cards for non-prof…

Full Harvest Moon

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This is the time we start reaping our harvest.  Seeing what we actually gained for all of our hard work.  These are my seeds of intend this turn of the wheel:

1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range.
2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker.
3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.

And I am reaping:
1  I am continuing to eat healthy and to walk.  I have had some backsliding but I will get back to where I want to be.
2. I got to speak in front of other therapists about how to work with transgender clients.
3. I am going with the flow knowing that is the path that the Goddess put me on.
4. I am looking into options on how to move away from Sacramento, but realize at this time it will need to be put on hold.

Lammas \ Lughnesadh

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Time goes so fast.  It is now Lughnasadh.  We celebrate together as we all work to bring in the harvest.  This year my harvest has just started coming in and finally it is positive.  We were able to take our 2nd Alaskan Cruise in July. We were able to go to Oregon and I saw one of my clients and now I am going to Seattle to a conference.  I am really starting to enjoy my life. My son is doing well and starting his 4thyear of college and will start a 4 year college next fall. I am licensed and loving my new clients.  Hoping to start to get on insurance boards sometimes soon.
It will be interesting to see how the rest of this year's harvest will be.

Green Corn Full Moon or Grain Full Moon 2017

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Green Corn Full Moon or Grain Full Moon is the 2nd moon after the Summer Solstice.  We are in full swing of getting things ready for the harvest.  We are harvesting some of our crops and seeing how good our intentions are and getting other crops ready to harvest.

Not a lot of time yet to enjoy our bounty as we still have a lot to do - but we are starting to see what our hard work has given us.  For me, I am enjoying my son's maturation and independence - he moved out and yet he does come by to see us.  He is also taking a road trip with his girlfriend and I am so proud he is able to do that. I am enjoying and loving my  career and being my authentic self.  Coming up with more ideas for my practice and starting to feel better about the direction of my health.  I am try to only look at this moment and near future and not obsess about the far future.  Hopefully the harvest will be good.

Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of Summer 2016

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Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of summer.  This is the longest day of the year and now the nights will lengthen.  This is a time of manifestation.  We are seeing what the hard work on our intentions look like.

This year my intentions are:
My Seeds of Intent1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range.
Getting closer to doing that - my blood work is coming back closer to normal.  Taking care of health issues as they arise.
2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker.
Continue to volunteer to speak at SVC-CAMFT and for training on LGBTQ
3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
Following my heart, working with clients, doing more Transgender work - figuring out the best way to handle certain situations.
4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.
Going to visit OR at the end of July to see clients that moved

Full Hay Moon

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The Full Hay Moon is also sometimes called Thunder Moon.  It is the first moon after the Summer Solstice or in this case on the Summer Solstice.  As the name implies it is when we can harvest hay.  At this time it is a good to start focusing on what we will do with our harvest and how best to harvest the fruits of our labor.  That last sentence may seem backwards but you must first know what you want to do with your fruits  - to know how to harvest.  For example if something did not work out like you wanted, it might be best to learn from it and use it as fertilizer for the next set of crops.  Maybe the fruit just wasn't so sweet so maybe you will dry it instead of canning it.  This lets you know how you will go about harvesting it.

  I am having time to think and to start figuring out what and how I want to do with my career, my future and path.  I know I want to live closer to the ocean so I am working to see how I can get there with my hubby.  I have my Oregon licen…

Full Strawberry Moon 2016

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Full Strawberry Moon is also called Rose Moon or Flower Moon.  Called the Full Strawberry Moon in our area because the strawberries are ready to be picked.  It is one of the first harvests of the year.  Like strawberries we start to see the fruits of our labor.  This is a good time to focus on the seedlings that have started to really grow.

In my personal life, this year, my hubby and I are going on a cruise in a month.  It will be the 2nd time in two years.  I am excited to spend time with my hubby in a cool and natural environment.  We are harvesting the good.  I also got my Oregon Marriage and Family Therapist License.

Beltane 2016

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Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive.

My Seeds of Intent
1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range.
Getting closer to doing that - my blood work is coming back closer to normal
2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker.
Took on a speaking engagement on LGBTQ Safe Zone
3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
Following my heart, working with clients, doing more Transgender work
4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.
Going to visit OR at the end of July to see clients that moved

So many changes and exciting things happening, I look forward to see what the rest of the year brings!

Full Milk Moon

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It is often called the Milk Moon because baby goats and calves have just started to be born so cow and goat milk is plentiful.   It is a time when planting is the main focus and birth and new life is plentiful.

I am working to find my happiness.  I have applied for my license in Oregon in hopes that I will be able to spend more time closer to the ocean.  I am working with my seeds of intent to be able to live some place that I enjoy.
I am also learning what empty nest is like.  I am finding it freeing to be in this new part of my life.

The Let Down

So after nearly 2 years of waiting to testify against the horrible person who raped and tortured my daughter, he was let go.  My daughter could not be found so they dropped the charges.  It worries me and breaks my heart because he will go back onto the same streets my daughter is living on and she is in danger.  I did everything I could to protector but in the end there wasn't anything I could do.  My heart breaks and now I must start moving on.

Seed Full Moon

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The Seed Full Moon is a time for planting first crops, especially corn.  It is when you start to make things happen and the energy to start to create.  Seeds will be planted and creation will happen.  The seeds will start to sprout from this energy.  This is a good time in your personal life to really dig your heels in and start those projects you intended to start this year.  Today especially the energy is very powerful towards creativity and initiating the beginning of what you start. 

The day was so beautiful.  I went to therapy and am feeling much better about moving forward in my life.  No longer having a trial hanging over me, I feel like I can move on and move forward in my life.

Ostara - Spring Equinox - First Day of Spring

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Today, March 20th, is the first day of SPRING!!!!
This is what is happening to my seeds of intent:
1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range.
I am walking and have joined several "virtual races" to keep me motivated.
2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker.
Still working on that
3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
I found an awesome type of therapy called Wisdom Path Parenting and I love how it connects my spirituality with parenting.
4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.
I applied for my license in Oregon.  I am putting my practice online so I am more mobile.


I am motivated to keep actively working and creating the picture of my future - I have good days and bad days but the good is outweighing the bad.

Never ending on call....

So Monday the DA in Bakersfield told me that they are trying to get a courtroom so they try next on Thursday.  I feel like this is never ending.  I had to wait through November and December last year and then they decided to dismiss and refile because it had gone on so long and then we had to start all of the beginning stuff again.

Hopefully this time it will happen in the next few weeks and this chapter of my life can be over with.  Going on 2 years is a long time.


Moments that are the reason...

Today, I did a home therapy session with a family that was sort of like mine.  At the end of the session the mother gave me a hug and told me how much it means to her that she has me as a therapist.  Moments like these are the reason I decided to use my life challenges to help others.  I love being a therapist.

Hurry up and wait....

So today the trial got delayed another week because the Defense is in another trial.  My daughter did not show up and I am so worried that she will get herself in more trouble by not following through.  On the plus side this weekend and today I made headway converting my client files into a system that will be easier to use.  Progress - looking forward to getting that all completed.

So nervous...

Tomorrow we will find out if my daughter is going to follow through with testifying.  Hopefully she will contact the DA and move forward.  I would get to see her if that is the case.  I just all of this over with but I want it over with by him going to prison so he won't hurt anyone anymore.

Frustration

So it looks like my daughter is not going to cooperate with the DA and testify on the case when Michael Lenoir tortured her.  I am so frustrated, he may just be let go.  Monday the DA will see if she hears from my daughter and then decide to see if they can put forward a plea deal.

It would be such a disappointing ending for this drawn out drama to just let him go.  I still hope my daughter will testify.  I hope there is something we can do otherwise he will be out and able to do this again.


How do you not let it get to you???

I have been struggling so much to not let the mean things my daughter says to get to me but it always gets me especially when she basically says I was a horrible mom.

I just don't know how to let it go and know that is where she is right now.  Each time she says it I feel like I want to defend my parenting by telling her all I have done.  I just can't do that - it doesn't help.  I need to let go of the hurt and now that that is her perception currently and it may or may not ever change.


Full Storm Moon

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Today is the Full Storm Moon.  Storms are often brewing in the weather and in our lives.  This moon is at the end of February or in March and before the Vernal Equinox.  The weather is violently vacillating between winter and spring.  Often we are dealing with the same in our own emotional realm.  We are struggling between still being in our dark realm of self-reflection and starting to come out and be part of a community.  We struggle to make room for others in our plans or seeing how our plans affect others. This year I am struggling on how to handle my relationship with my daughter.  I am trying to forgive and let go of the anger and frustration I have with her and at the same time hold her responsible for her actions and limit my contact with her since it is a dysfunctional relationship.

It is hard when she will say how much she loves me and that how horrible I am all within a few minutes just because I wouldn't give her what she wanted.

Making Choices

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Yesterday was valentines' day.  I was working hard to have a good day with my hubby.  Almost as if it were a warning, in the evening as I got out my pizza stone, it fell and broke into many pieces.  Within a minute the phone rang - I looked and it was most likely my daughter calling from a phone at a gas station snack place.  I had to make a choice, answer it and most likely be upset or just let it go.
So I
It is a slow process for me to learn to allow myself good things to happen and not allow others to sabotage them (even if they did not mean to).  Part of my heart breaks that I cannot pick up the phone and expect a nice conversation with my daughter and the other part is desperately trying to heal.

I am working on healing myself and trying to find a healthy level of interaction with my daughter.
I know it is not her fault the way she is but there is only a certain level of dysfunction and drama I can handle before I start to slide down that dysfunctional hill again.

Dreams

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I am dreaming of living in a place like this - the thought of seeing whales and hearing the ocean calms me and I hope that I can make this happen.

Imbolc - Ground Hog Day - Time to make things happen

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Now it is the time of year when we actually start working on our intentions - we plant the seeds - we start actively spending energy to make our seeds of intent grow.

So let's see how I am coming along with each of my intents.

1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range.
I am back to exercising and now I am doing virtual races which are giving me more incentives.
2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker.
I am probably going to be the pre-license speaker for SVC-CAMFT's Feb training
3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
Found a therapy model called Wisdom Path Parenting and it fits me really well.
4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.
Hubby and I are now actively looking at our options and we both have an idea of what our next steps are.

I feel more energized than I ever have and feel so good physically, mentally and e…

Full Snow Moon, Full Hunger Moon, or Full Wolf Moon

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This time of year our ancestors struggled to find food, were cold and often struggled to have hope.  This is a good time to focus on what the future holds and to getting through the tough times.  This time of year always seems to be hard for me to get through.  Finances are tough from the holidays, trying to plan for the future and making it through the day, it can be hard to have hope.

This is the time of year that I struggle and usually start to find the my seeds of intent are not going to come out the way I thought they would.  But If I focus on doing what seems right to my gut and focus on moving forward in the direction I feel compelled, I find that my path unfolds as it should.

This is a full moon that I often ask to be shown the way and even if it seems divergent from my original plans, I follow the path that is shown - it always turns out to be the best path for me.

This year I struggle with whether I should continue to build my practice or whether I should work …