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Showing posts from July, 2012

Finding Calm amid Chaos

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Last night I got a call from my daughter.  She is in the receiving home in our city.  She claimed that she would be leaving on Tuesday AM out of state.  The staff member that was there said she would send an email to the staff for tomorrow for them to arrange a supervised visit for Monday.  So this morning I kept expecting a phone call.  I called and left a couple messages for her social worker.

My hubby stayed home from work sick.  My son needed me taking him back and forth to friend's houses and picking his friend up to work on merit badges.  I started getting phone calls about my daughter and everything felt so chaotic and frenzied.

Just as I was going to pick up yet another phone call from her - I took a deep breath - closed my eyes - and reminded myself she made her choices and I do NOT have to jump and become chaotic because that is what she is trying to demand.

I picked up her call.  She was trying to get me to see her right away but there was no staff member to confirm an…

Hunting for Humor

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I am tired and stressed due to not even knowing where my daughter is.

When things get like this I like to find things to laugh at.  Laughing helps heal.
So I got to some of my favorite sites that make me laugh or give me something that is amusing to think about.
Now this is where I show my geekiness.
My all time favorite blog for humor is CakeWrecks.

This blog is written by Jen and her husband.  They are geeks and big on puns.  So this blog on Sundays has Sunday Sweets which is really well done cakes.  The rest of the time the blog is about cakes created by "professionals" that have gone horribly wrong.  The cakes are only part of the humor - Jen and her husband's puns crack me up.

Jen's personal girl blog is EPBOT.

In this blog she constantly puts up her crafts and unique things that she likes.  She loves steampunk and always seems to show some interesting stuff.

I also often look at some of my favorite comics at Go Comics.

And my favorite comic is Rhymes with Orang…

Fear...

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6:56pm tonight I got a phone call and this is how I felt:

Yup I am now on edge and feel like at any moment I could be attacked - well any moment from sometime tomorrow afternoon.
My daughter has been at level 14 group home (highest level in this state) and she has been running away, stealing, hitchhiking, having sex, doing drugs and being violent (she is 16 years old).  Tonight her therapist at her current group home (3 hours away) let me know they will be bringing her back to this city and dropping her off at the receiving home for children here (15 min from our home).  The last time my daughter was in this place they are taking her to she constantly AWOLed (ran away) and kept ending up back at my house threatening me.  I am fearful for the safety of myself, my family and my home.  It is frustrating how slow the system has been working.  The group home gave 7 day notice mid April and they kept waiting for the courts and social workers to find a new placement for her - they did severa…

Transitioning Reality

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The night of December 3, 2006 my understanding of gender would change dramatically and it would continue to change even through today.  Now I already understood that some people felt they were actually not the gender they were born and I myself have dealt with questioning whether I was supposed to be a boy or a girl in my teen years but I had not really spend much time researching and certainly never had the opportunity to ask someone questions and learn from their point of view before.

So back to that night.  I was on a website http://www.butchfemmematchmaker.com as I was a femme lesbian looking for a stone-butch or butch.  I expanded my search to ftm (female to male) thinking that someone ftm wouldn't be much different than the stone butches I had dated (I would learn differently) and found a profile that had some references to The Princess Bride which is my favorite movie of all time so sent him a "virtual kiss".  Later on that evening he would open up a chat and we s…

Co dependence vs Interdependence

Co dependence: : a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly: dependence on the needs of or control by another 

Interdependence: A reciprocal relation between interdependent entities (objects or individuals or groups); Mutual dependence.

I have lived most of my life in relationships that function on co dependence.  Nearly 6 years ago I decided I would never live like that again.  This lead me to insist that in my current relationship that everything be as equal as possible.  I wanted to make sure we only WANTED to be together and not feel (especially me) that we NEEDED or HAD to be together.

Now I find myself having to learn Interdependence.  Where we both NEED each other for different reasons but we both give something to the relationship.  In most of my relationships finances and money played a huge part of being co dependent and i…

Road Signs

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So I started working on my website and getting back into my passion of creating a support network.  While finding local events I can put on my website, I found a therapist I had met before and saw that her practice has interns so I emailed her and I got a reply back asking when we could meet.

I felt lost and just trying to find what I was passionate about and honestly kind of felt like I was shooting in the dark - like hmm do I like this - how does this feel?  Well that email from that therapist was like a road sign with a light shining on it.  To me it was the Goddess saying - yes this is the direction you promised me you were going to go - this is your path let me give you a sign you are on the right path.

I took the next couple of days off from working on the website and reconnected with myself and my beliefs and went back to the beginning...  When I turned 30 I lost my job that was a well paying job in IT and became a stay at home mom.  I learned to connect with my kids and especi…

Taking control of my life

For the past week I had been basically sitting at home and feeling that my life was out of my control.  I felt like everything is happening TO me and that everything was a waiting game.  This past weekend started out like that and then my hubby so nicely pointed out that I have medications to help my body when it is in extreme pain.  I told him I needed to do things and that this JUST HAPPENS and I have to deal.  He asked me how long I was going to wait to do something.

So Sunday I took the medication, while it does relieve the pain and let my muscles loosen up it makes me anxious and unable to focus.  This time it was good for me.  I got anxious about my new career that seems to be on hold until I start working and because my thoughts wander and I have very little control of my thoughts while medicated I suddenly remembered my dream.
1.  Build a website.
2.  Create a support network.
3.  When I can do therapy use the support network to help my clients and also be able to market mysel…

Living Stealth

Definition of STEALTH1: the act or action of proceeding furtively, secretly, or imperceptibly  2: the state of being furtive or unobtrusive
So what does stealth have to do with me?  Everything.   Around 4th grade when girls were starting to go boy crazy - I had no interest in boys and actually had a crush on a female teacher (thank goodness not one of my teachers just one at school).  As a geek I looked things up and started to figure out I was probably a lesbian.  High school came around and because of a hormone imbalance (PCOS) my voice got lower and I started growing facial hair - so much that I had to shave 2x a day.  This made me question for awhile whether I was supposed to be a boy.  Eventually I realized that I really am a lesbian but since it was not really acceptable among my family and friends, I just hid it.
I met a wonderful guy who became my best friend and explained that I liked girls and he had his own issues so we agreed to date and later married.  He understood th…

Mom vs. Therapist vs. Advocate vs. Self

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I had planned on writing something else today, but I had a horrible nightmare and figured obviously that is what my subconscious is really trying to deal with.  As usual I intended on just putting that to the side and writing what I had planned but then I decided to force myself to deal with this because I can tell the nightmare is really trying to get me to deal with it.

Now I know logically I did everything I could and there is nothing I really could have changed but that doesn't stop the "voices" in my head and heart from constantly battling when my thoughts go to my daughter.  I try so hard to even not think about her because I get "stuck" in my thinking and feeling and spiral down and end up depressed and feeling horrible.

So the back story:
In 2000, my son was 5 years old (I biologically had him) and we (my first husband and I) were looking to fost-adopt a little girl.  In November of 2000 we met a girl who was 4 (would turn 5 on January 30th).  The first…

I'mmmm BAaaack!

I was reading a blog today by a very inspiring woman.  It made me realize how much I mask what goes on in my own head and life.  The reason I stopped writing this blog for the last several months is, well honestly I didn't want to admit that my life did not go where I wanted it to go.  I had turned my blog into just really a diary but it got less and less about really what I was feeling and dealing with and more and more about my schedule.

I hide from what I cannot deal with.  I suck it up and stuff it somewhere.  Over the next few days I will fill in what really was happening within and without and now I have to really honestly start dealing with things.

This used to be called Lady Heather's domain but I have now added : My life in a nutshell.  The reason is I really have to deal with my internal issues and part of that is to remind me that I do have "nutty" thoughts constantly running through my head that I have to deal with.

So lets restart with the basics and sta…