Posts

Showing posts from 2015

Old Moon\Full Wolf Moon or Full Moon after Yule or even Ice Moon and this year Christmas Full Moo

Image
A time to look inward and draw up your plans for the year.  A time to remember the importance of family and friends and to make sure you priortize for the year.  Remember self-care.

At this time of year I start actively figuring out what I will need for the next year and starting to implement the foundation of what I will be doing.
1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range. -
Increase my walking and set new goals
2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker. -
work on speaking in public more often - plan training classes
3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist. - continue to work with my coach on using my spirituality to guide me.
4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.  - make a plan to start visiting places - consider actually getting a job somewhere.

Yule \ Winter Solstice

Image
Tonight is Winter Solstice otherwise known as Yule.  My hubby, son and I celebrate it as our main winter holiday.  We still have Christmas stockings on Christmas morning but today is when we each give each other thoughtful or handmade presents.

I enjoy Yule because it lets us get away from the hectic Christmas season.  We plan ahead because we know there is not last minute Christmas Eve shopping for us.

This year we had 4 - my son, his girlfriend, my hubby and I.  Each of us liked our gifts and were thrilled at how well each of us knew each other.

We had a nice dinner and dessert (Yule Log).  It was so nice and relaxing.

This is the time of year to start planning how you are going to make your seeds of intent come to fruition.

Forgiveness can free your soul

Forgiveness can free your soul - I have heard this so very often.  A few months ago I chose to go back into therapy to see if I could find a way to forgive my daughter.  Everything came at once - a phone call from a detective about the house break-in and a phone call saying the trial where my daughter is a victim.  This threw me into quite a depression.  Luckily we had a trip to Monterey planned for Thanksgiving weekend and I was really able to relax and let go.

I came back and my friend that is having me go through her coaching program did a deep meditation journey with me and I feel like I was really able to forgive my daughter.  I am so much calmer now and thinking about her doesn't upset me like it did before.

I hope it lasts - still waiting to hear when I will testify in the trial.

Full Oak Moon or Full Moon Before Yule

Image
Full Oak Moon is the full moon before Yule.
The oak is a symbol of strength and eternity.
When the winter is in full reign over the Earth, it is important to remember the oak’s endurance. To survive the trials of winter, people must find within themselves the oak’s great strength.

It is important at this time of year that roots are pushed deep into the Earth so you can survive through the storms - no wonder it is a time of family gatherings and sharing of resources (Thanksgiving, Holiday events and such) - we need our families and they help us find our inner strength when the world around us seems brutally cold.

Tomorrow I head out to the coast with my hubby for some solid one on one time.  I need to keep these roots strong so when I am facing the storms of life (testifying in trails, my bipolar disorder and many other things) I have my roots deeply meshed with my hubby's so I can weather the storm and hang tight and not fall over or break apart.

Received my subpoena... blah

It seems that everything is going to be a trigger.  I started climbing out of my depression and then today I get the mail and I have my official subpoena - and my stomach sank and knotted up.

It takes so much effort to climb out of depression and I am exhausted and then I feel like someone threw me off of a ladder.  I just want this to be over.  I am working really hard at working through these feelings and hope I can process them and work through them so that I can finally heal.

The downside of bipolar....

So this possibly will a jumble of thoughts - my mind is on the downside of bipolar right now - meaning depression.  I do not take meds although times like this I sort of wish I would but only because I don't want to feel like this.  Usually I am able to anticipate and head off most of my highs and lows but sometimes the outside world triggers me and I lose my ability to handle them.  I checked in with my hubby this weekend - he is doing ok which means he can keep me safe.  I am minimizing my time with clients this next week (only Mon-Wed since it is Thanksgiving week) and then we will go away to the ocean where I will be able to regain myself at least I should.

I know I am not suicidal but I have slipped into a deep depression with auditory and sensory hallucinations.    I am slowly reading my notes of that horrific night so that I can work through the hardest symptoms.  I will see my therapist Wed AM.  Hopefully in a couple of weeks this will be over with and I can finally let th…

And the case moves forward....

So I checked in with the DA re: my the case in Bakersfield when Michael Lenoir hurt my daughter, and the case will move forward.  Sometime in the first couple week of December, I will most likely be called to testify against this nasty horrid person and try to get him locked up for life.  He refused a plea bargain, I hope I can help land him with at least one of the dozen felonies he is charged with so he will have his third strike.  I only say this because he has victimized many and he needs to not be among the rest of the population.

What I struggle with is having to deal with this after 18 months, and trying to have empathy and compassion and forgiveness for my daughter while at the same time the other case where my daughter victimized me - that is going on.  I hate emotions like this and I hate to be so torn and raw.  I wish I could really help my daughter and have her get better.

So many emotions and chaos and distractions running through my head.  On the plus side my son said th…

When will it ever end....

Image
On the plus side saying that line "When will it ever end..." reminds me of Monty Python's "Here comes another one" ...


makes me feel a little bit better.  But I am still tired of the unending shit my daughter keeps bringing upon us.  Or really that her actions cause consequences to us and not to her for YEARS!

So Friday is the readiness hearing for the court case where my daughter was a victim (The Most Terrifying Night of My Life) And I am just wanting that case to be over with.  And yesterday a detective called regarding my house break in that occurred just 17 days after that incident where my daughter broke into my house with several people, trashed it and stole my other car.  The CSI took fingerprints and DNA samples on June 19-20th 2014 - after that I heard back 2 months later that they would follow up (August 2014) then NOTHING until July of this year - then they said they had a hit on DNA and they were going to check on the fingerprints - THEN NOTHING u…

Depth of Feelings

It has been nearly 9 years since I really and truly opened up my heart and practiced experiencing feelings without always shutting down my emotions.  It has been a roller coaster of a road.
I love the amazing feelings of love, affection, trust, safety, passion - and struggle with anxiety, hatred, and hurt. 

You cannot have one without the other and I still feel that I am better because of it.  It is only now though that I am really having a chance to work on balance.  I am practicing scheduling my life based on how I am feeling and dealing with things.  I take extra time to care for my emotions when I feel more chaotic and other days when I have more energy I use that and really get stuff done.  I am still able to force myself into doing things even if I don't want to but in general my life is much easier now that I am working with the ebb and flow of my bipolar disorder and able to keep it from getting out of hand.

Samhain - 7 year wedding anniversary

Image
So this year my seeds of intent were:
This year I had 5 seeds in my apple.

So this year my seeds of intent are:
1.  To walk more
After a tough start in 2015 because of a hurt foot - I went on a cruise and then got a FitBit and that is really helping me walk more.  As of this date I have walked over 500 miles since July 14th and 1,200,000 steps.  I also have lost almost 40 lbs.

2.  To make sure I do self-care
I am making sure to take time when I need it - schedule clients so I am not too overwhelmed and am working to keep taking trips in nature.  I am now taking care of my diabetes and also exercising and eating really low carb. 

3.  To pass my licensing exams
I passed them both first time!

4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her.
After one last try sending her to Colorado, and then bringing her back to Bakersfield I will act as a cheerleader but no longer will enable her and tell her no and give her step by step instructions in what she can do.

5.  To …

Beaver Full Moon or Frost Full Moon

Image
Beaver Moon, sometimes called Frost Moon is usually the full moon in November.

From Wikipedia: Two reasons are given for the coupling of the November moon with the flat-tailed aquatic animal: (a) November is a month when many hunters used to set leghold traps for beaver,[1] and (b) November is a month when many beaver families are especially active in rebuilding their beaver lodges and dams.[2] Much of the mammals' building and repair work takes place by moonlight, because the beaver is primarily nocturnal. Both explanations implicate November's position as the last full month before the coming of winter, as beaver (which do not hibernate) need to have ready access to food during the cold months, and need to grow an especially lush pelt of fur so as to be prepared. By the traditional valuation standards of the fur trade, a late-fall beaver pelt was worth more than a pelt harvested during other seasons of the year.


I have been cleaning the house and organizing things for my…

Forgiving and Letting Go

So I am working hard on forgiving myself and my daughter and just letting go.  I love her and always will but there is nothing I can do to make her life better or work to heal her since she has to do that herself.

Today a friend shared this link to a post about being a mother of an unattached child.

Another friend shared this post about transforming your darkness

And GoodTherapy posted this on coping with grief why forgiveness matters so much

All on my facebook this AM.

I think it is time to just forgive and let go - I have cried and feel a bit different - I am going to keep working on some of this dark and painful emotions and really just work on letting go.

My personal strategic Plan

Image
Heather Cassandra Blessing, LMFT's Personal Strategic Plan Argosy means Large Ship or a Fleet of Ships and it can also mean a rich supply. I went to Argosy University for both my BA and my MA and find my calm in the ocean.I wish to live my life as a "Rich Supply Ship", providing supplies (and support) for others while making sure I maintain my ship properly so I can continue to provide supplies.




My Mission Statement My mission in affect change by using my knowledge, experience, logic and empathy.In order to affect change, I must maintain a positive, problem solving attitude a majority of the time by being aware of my thoughts and scheduling self-care.
My goals; Be aware of my thoughts by noticing negative depressing thinking at least 6 out of 10 times and reward myself with a congratulations thought each time.
Do more self-care by setting aside time each day for relaxing or reading and at least 1 time a month visit nature.
Create RiversideSupport by creating strategic …

Goals....

So today is really hard to keep walking.  I am tired and my feet really hurt today, but I know I need to walk and work out more.  At the time of this post I have walked 12,000 steps and want to walk at least another 3,000 more.  Sometimes it is hard to just keep your chin up and keep moving but I am going to because I know it will get easier.

Getting my exercise on!

Working on increasing my activity level.  I want to keep my blood sugar lower and I want to continue to lose weight so I am increasing and going to shoot for about 20,000 steps a day.  I am hoping this will help me continue to lose weight and lower my blood sugar even more.

Swollen Face but Hopeful....

So this morning I woke up really early to volunteer and go to the couples conference but my face was so swollen (especially my cheeks) that I could not see (my cheeks were so swollen they pushed my eyes closed from the bottom).  I didn't expect it after a laser session to remove my spiderweb veins from my checks - but they did warn about it.  I hope that as my face heals I will continue to see less veins and my face will look more pale (since I am so red as of late because of my Rosacea.

Couples Therapy

Not what you think - I am doing a 2 day training on how to do therapy with couples.  I am enjoying learning lots of little things that can help me better work with couples but even more that every time they mention something that is helpful to a relationship - I realize my hubby and I do it.  And when they talk about harmful things that hurt a relationship - we have never done them.  It is so cool to see that you are doing what the experts say are the way to have a long, healthy, happy and loving relationship.   In less than a month we will celebrate our 7th year wedding anniversary and in December that will be 9 years since we have met.  I am so blissfully happy in our marriage.

Personal Therapy

Today I had personal therapy.  I am still working on my issues I have with my daughter.  I think I am slowly being able to let go even though I cannot cut ties or even feel safe, but trying to find calm in the current way of being.  I just wish I knew she was really safe and making good choices.  She is so smart and capable if she wants to move forward I believe she could.

A little excitement - weight

While I have not gone off of my low carb eating plan - I was eating more recently than I should (not of carbs but of cheese and nuts and carrots) because I was really hungry (struggling with depression and emotions) so as usual I avoided getting on the scale (after all you don't have to admit you have a problem if you don't see it right?)

Well I got on the scale today and - I lost a little weight - not as much as I should have but I am still making progress.  This has renewed my dedication to healthy eating and walking more.

Progress - even slow - is a good thing.

Healing myself

So I am working on healing ALL of me.
I have a health coach and am working to become healthier - I am walking more and eating very few carbs, losing weight and hopefully the blood work continues to get better.
I am working with a life coach to help me heal some of my basic issues and to help me get my career and my dreams off the ground.
I am working with a therapist to move forward and emotionally heal from the PTSD of raising a child who experienced trauma.
Today was a life coaching session (and allergy shots). 
I have been getting better about feeling that I am a wonderful person who deserves to be married to the awesome hubby I have.  I noticed how words really do affect us.  I was able to say "I am A Goddess" but when it came to "I am Goddess" it was really hard.  I understand the concept - I am Goddess in her earth form - just as all women are and all men are God.  We need to see that we are the divine - that is not to say that we treat others as lesser - be…

Hunter's or Harvest Full Moon also the Blood Red Super Moon

Image
The Hunter's or Harvest Full Moon is the first full moon after Mabon (Autumn Equinox). 

The Hunter's Full Moon is named because the full moon give light to hunters tracking their prey before the cold winter settles in.  They are able to stock up on the protein they will need to make it through the winter.

It is also known as the Harvest Full Moon because we are harvesting all that we worked for this year.

I am harvesting my intentions which feels awesome:
I have been walking more - I have my fitbit and while the past week I was taking care of myself emotionally and not doing all of the walking - to day is a new day and I will walk at least 10,000 steps today!
From a wonderful Alaska vacation, to therapy and coaching and buying myself clothes that I love - I am practicing more self care.
I passed my exams and have my license now for 5 months!
I am seeking therapy to keep myself from enabling my daughter and learning how to cope with things in a healthy manner when she con…

Fall Equinox/Autum Begins/Mabon

Image
The last several years I have been away from home on Mabon.  This year I got to be home (mainly because it was the middle of the week).  I am feeling pretty good about my life at this point in time.  I am working on myself emotionally and professionally.  My husband and I are still in love and I am looking forward to the weather cooling.
Let peace go where we let things go and let everything we let go, leave us with the knowledge and experiences we need for the future.

Letting go of expecting the worst and my closet

Yesterday I cleaned out my closet.  I had 2 bags of clothes that are now too big for me.  Normally I would them box them up and put them away in case I gained weight again.  So instead of expecting the worst that I would gain the weight back - I am looking ahead positively and letting go of what doesn't fit and moving forward.  Everything will be donated to Goodwill.  I then went online and replaced some of the clothes that no longer fit.  Filling up my closet with hope and things that match my authentic self.  Now I just need to apply this to other areas of my life.

Full Harvest of Fruit Moon

Image
This is the time we start reaping our harvest.  Seeing what we actually gained for all of our hard work.  These are my seeds of intend this turn of the wheel:

1.  To walk more
2.  To make sure I do self-care
3.  To pass my licensing exams
4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her.
5.  To continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.


And I am reaping:
1. I am walking more - over 500,000 steps in just over a month - I am using my fitbit and really pushing myself to get more and more steps in.
2. I have changed my eating habits and am meditating more and now am embarking on wisdom chair coaching.
3. I passed my licensing exams!
4. I have continued to be a cheerleader for my daughter and am not enabling her.  It is hard and I worry a lot - I think I am going to go to a therapist to continue working on my personal issues with my daughter.
5.  I am following my path and it is amazing although s…

So many emotions

I spent last week at the Gender Odyssey Conference.  It was amazing, humbling and very emotional.
I have so many things I am still trying to grasp.
My daughter also contacted me while I was at the conference and actually was in a mental health facility trying to remain sober.
So spending the day listening to loving and supporting your child no matter what and then talking my daughter and trying to apply the same concepts to my relationship with her.  So much to process.
I think I will be adding to this one post for awhile as I process the emotions.

I am waiting to hear back from my daughter re: whether he relapse yesterday is going to cause her to get kicked out.  So hard to just let go and yet hold my arms open.

**********************
update Tuesday, August 25 2015 - it seems that my daughter has left the facility based on her FB posts.

I have decided to try to seek therapy because this is just to much - I need to work through these emotions and I am just a mess.
********************…

ordering new clothes

So I have been working hard at this new way of eating (very low carb) and I thought some of my clothes were loose - well it seems I have lost 5 inches off both my bust and my hips - so I ordered some new clothes yesterday - soon they will come in and see how they fit.  I had been ordering 3x and this time it will be XL - I am nervous but excited at the idea of being 2 sizes smaller.

and my heart breaks...

Image
"HI, mom I got outta jail at 4am on Fri morning. I plead guilty to all my charges n only served out the rest of my time n have to complete a year probation sooo basically I'm cleared for all the law shit I have some fines to pay but things in the streets for me ain't lookin good at all most likely I'll end up dead. I love u n would give anything for a hug and for u to tell me u love me I just want to hear my mom's voice in person."  

and then:

"I love n miss u too you'll be in my heart....always!"  (which is from the Lion King)

my heart breaks - I wish I could really help her but every time I have tried to help her, but it never works out.  I just want my little girl to be safe and happy not be barely surviving on the street.

worried and wondering

I know my daughter got out of jail yesterday.  She hasn't called me or popped onto facebook.  I am worried about her and wondering what had happened when she called me to get help for her at that address.  I hope she is making better choices and pray she is going to be ok.  I guess a mother will always be worried.

Another step towards self healing

So today I went to the dermatologist to look into what I can do to take the dark spiderweb veins off my face.  They have scheduled my first procedure to do laser to help lighten the veins and we will see how well it works.  I am excited to remove what sometimes is a conversation piece on my face.  It sucks to have people ask what is wrong with my face or what happened when all it is - is a lot of veins that show throw my skin - only really thick makeup covers it so it will be nice if they lighten up a bit.

worries, positives, and life in general

So my worries about my daughter continued and were proved true.  I still don't know what exactly was going on and who knows if I ever will.

9:30pm I get a phone call but I just missed it.  It was an area code that I figured would be my daughter.  I called the number back and get dead air and then hung up on.
Then I get a txt from that number saying can u send   - I txted back asking what do you want me to send.  She sent back NVM (never mind) a few more texts back and forth with her stating nvm and me asking questions - to the question are you ok I got a no back. 
10:15pm I get another phone call - it is my daughter she said send help to (and gave the address) and then she hung up.
I tried calling PD non-emergency number for that city and got no answer
I then called 911 and eventually they transferred me to that city's CHP - they said it would be handled by the Sheriff Dept but then the call dropped.
I then called that particular Sheriff Dept's dispatch number - they then …

worries

So on Monday my daughter called me - she then disconnected and I couldn't get back in touch with her - she said she would call back - it is now Wednesday and I haven't heard from her and she doesn't seem to have been online.  A mom always worries - I hope she is ok and nothing has happened.  I wish I could not worry as much but I guess it comes with the mom territory.

Fresh take on Food

I have come back inspired by the food on the cruise.  I realized that low carb food can be very tasty.  I have since found the wonders of dry rub chicken and have found many new flavorful salads.

Last night my son's girlfriend brought us crockneck squash and tomatoes from her mom's garden which I made into a lovely dish.

I am doing a fresh take on food and finding very fresh ingredients really do make a difference.

Being Safe or too Suspicious?

So this morning my daughter called me.  She said she was just checking in but wanted to talk to me more  I tried to find out what is going on and sh gave me some letters and numbers and hung up.  I feel so suspicious and worried.  I never know if being super suspicious of everything she says or does is a good thing and just being safe or if I should just trust her.  My trust has been broken many times but does that make her worse around me because I don't trust her?  I just don't know.

Lughnasadh or Lammas

Image
Time goes so fast.  It is now Lughnasadh.  We celebrate together as we all work to bring in the harvest.  This year my harvest has just started coming in and finally it is positive.  We were able to take a Alaskan Cruise in July.  As of August 1st I have a part time job (something I have been basically doing anyway that now I will get paid for). 
My son is doing well and starting his 3rd year of college. I am licensed and loving my new clients.  Hoping to start to get on insurance boards sometimes soon.
It will be interesting to see how the rest of this year's harvest will be.

Green Corn Full Moon or Grain Full Moon

Image
Green Corn Full Moon or Grain Full Moon is the 2nd moon after the Summer Solstice.  We are in full swing of getting things ready for the harvest.  We are harvesting some of our crops and seeing how good our intentions are and getting other crops ready to harvest.

Not a lot of time yet to enjoy our bounty as we still have a lot to do - but we are starting to see what our hard work has given us.  For me, I am enjoying my son's maturation and independence - my new career and being my authentic self.  Coming up with more ideas for my practice and starting to feel better about the direction of my health.  I am try to only look at this moment and near future and not obsess about the far future.  Hopefully the harvest will be good.

Oh and info on tonight's "blue moon"


When I was little my grandparents often had a Farmer's Almanac around.  There were all kinds of interesting things in it.  One summer as I was reading the almanac I found something about aB…

Becoming Me!

Today I became closer to the ME that I want to be.  I got my hair colored again and this time I went about 70% purple instead the about 15% last time.  I LOVE IT!  It FEELS like me.  I am learning to just be what I want to be no matter what anyone else says.

Something so simple and yet so hard.

Laughter is the best medicine

Image
So today my son had all 4 wisdom teeth taken out which meant they put him under full anesthesia.
He was so very fun to watch before and after his surgery.  He was loopy and silly.  
He is not in this video series but this is very similar to the things he was doing:
So not only was he fun to watch, but I had a chance to really sit and talk to his wonderful girlfriend of over a year.  And then I handed the torch over to her - she is going to take care of my baby boy who is all grown up.  Such an interesting day.

Taking care of my health

So a couple of months ago I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes.  The worst part is my body seems to be producing the glucose that I am not able to deal with.  I am now on an extremely low-carb diet - under 50 grams of carbs a day (at least most days).  I also just a couple weeks ago bought a fit-bit to try to push myself to increase my exercise.  I have had to struggle to learn how to not emotionally eat.  I did not realize how much food was a comfort.  In the middle of the night I often have panic attacks and before I would get up and eat something - now I struggle to find healthier options.

I am starting to learn how to cook more interesting food low carb so that is good.  Trying new things and organizing my life.  I also like Just Dance 2 on the wii as the weather is so hot here that is really my only easy way to exercise inside.

Missing my daughter

Everyday I think of her.  Everyday I hope and pray that she will realize the destructive path she is on and ask for help to make changes.  She is smart, creative, stubborn (like her mom), beautiful and always my precious daughter.  I wish I could help her, but every time I do it is just enabling.  I wish I could hold her and keep her safe - but every time I do she hurts me.  She is a beautiful rose with thorns.  My heart aches for my daughter.  She is so hurt she cannot believe in herself.

Full Hay Moon

Image
The Full Hay Moon is also sometimes called Thunder Moon.  It is the first moon after the Summer Solstice.  As the name implies it is when we can harvest hay.  At this time it is a good to start focusing on what we will do with our harvest and how best to harvest the fruits of our labor.  That last sentence may seem backwards but you must first know what you want to do with your fruits  - to know how to harvest.  For example if something did not work out like you wanted, it might be best to learn from it and use it as fertilizer for the next set of crops.  Maybe the fruit just wasn't so sweet so maybe you will dry it instead of canning it.  This lets you know how you will go about harvesting it.


This year I am on my cruise during this full moon.  The full moon is so beautiful upon the ocean.  I am having time to think and to start figuring out what and how I want to do with my career, my future and path.  I am starting to look for small little jobs to help supplement my …

Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of Summer 2015

Image
Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of summer.  This is the longest day of the year and now the nights will lengthen.  This is a time of manifestation.  We are seeing what the hard work on our intentions look like.

This year my intentions are:
1.  To walk more
So found out no surgery but the injury will take awhile to heal.  Again told be nice to it - don't walk so much - wear protective shoes.  But at least no surgery and it will get better.

2.  To make sure I do self-care.
In a couple of weeks we are going on a cruise to Alaska!  This will be major self care - I need this and I hope it helps my hubby too.

3.  To pass my licensing exams
ACCOMPLISHED!!!  I passed both exams, and my license was issued on April 21!

4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her.
After trying to help her into a sober living environment and failing - I have limited my interactions to the basic cheer-leading once in awhile.  It hurts to see her throw her life away but…

Full Strawberry Moon

Image
Full Strawberry Moon is also called Rose Moon or Flower Moon.  Called the Full Strawberry Moon in our area because the strawberries are ready to be picked.  It is one of the first harvests of the year.  Like strawberries we start to see the fruits of our labor.  This is a good time to focus on the seedlings that have started to really grow.

In my personal life, this year, my hubby and I are going on a cruise at the end of this month.  It is like finally things are falling into place.  I am excited to spend time with my hubby in a cool and natural environment.  Feels like we are getting our first harvest of many years.

Full Milk Moon

Image
It is often called the Milk Moon because baby goats and calves have just started to be born so cow and goat milk is plentiful.   It is a time when planting is the main focus and birth and new life is plentiful.

I am taking this time to start really focusing on MY OWN practice - I am now licensed so now I can nurture and let my practice grow.

I am also enjoying my new life with adult children and enjoying nurturing the next phase of my marriage

Beltane 2015

Image
Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive.

My Seeds of Intent
1.  To walk more
I am so very frustrated with this seed - early February I hurt my foot and my doctors are telling me to not walk on it.  I may even have surgery on it.

2.  To make sure I do self-care.
I am working on this.  I am taking more time for myself and choosing to disconnect from toxic people.  I took it easy while I was studying and made sure to have fun.

3.  To pass my licensing exams
ACCOMPLISHED!!!  I passed both exams, and my license was issued on April 21!

4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her.
After trying to help her into a sober living environment and failing - I have limited my interactions to the basic cheer-leading once in awhile.  It hurt…

Full Seed Moon

Image
The Seed Full Moon is a time for planting first crops, especially corn.  It is when you start to make things happen and the energy to start to create.  Seeds will be planted and creation will happen.  The seeds will start to sprout from this energy.  This is a good time in your personal life to really dig your heels in and start those projects you intended to start this year.  Today especially the energy is very powerful towards creativity and initiating the beginning of what you start.  We will also experience a total lunar eclipse which is exciting and often shows the beginning, ending or major change in relationships.

I am getting close to taking my final exam for my Marriage and Family Therapist License.  I am now looking into a new group of clients that are gender non-conforming youth and I am riding this energy to get everything really going.  I am excited about the direction everything is going.

Spring cleaning

Today I got a couple of things for the kitchen - a second cabinet for under the bar so I can clean off part of the counter and baskets to move bread and fruits off of the counter.

I am trying to clean and organize my life so I am feeling much more relaxed.  I have more areas to conquer but feeling better about things - amazing how good I feel when things are organized.

Waiting is sooo hard to do

I hate waiting.  I turned in my application for the next exam on March 11.  On March 24th my check for my application was cashed.  I am desperate to schedule my final exam.  I just want to be over with the wait.  I hate not knowing how hard I should study and when - because if I study like crazy now but end up with over a month to wait then what I am I going to do?  I am trying hard to be patient but I am so close to the end it just frustrates me.

Oh well I guess I need to learn more patience.

Ostara - First Day of Spring

Image
Today, March 20th, is the first day of SPRING!!!!
This is what is happening to my seeds of intent:
1.  To walk more - this has been on hold because I have severe pain in my foot.

2.  To make sure I do self-care - I have been going out with friends and making sure I have fun and read enjoyable books more.

3.  To pass my licensing exams - I passed my 1st exam and am waiting for approval to schedule my final exam.

4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her - I have been saying no to her and not trying to contact her.  I am letting go emotionally.

5.  To continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.  - I get to stay in the office where I am and get guidance from my awesome supervisor.

So many new things on the horizon - I am excited for the future - oh and I will be taking a cruise to Alaska with my hubby and parents in the summer.

One exam down... One exam to go

On March 11, 2015 I passed my California Marriage and Family Therapist Standard Written Exam!  I am studying again for the next exam.  It is nearly unreal.  I am almost there.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I struggle with self sabotage.  I am working so hard not to allow myself to slip into my self-sabotage mode.  (I struggle to force myself to study).  But I am going to do it.  A nearly 8 year journey is nearly over and a new one is about to begin.

Full Storm Moon

Image
Today is the Full Storm Moon.  Storms are often brewing in the weather and in our lives.  This moon is at the end of February or in March and before the Vernal Equinox.  The weather is violently vacillating between winter and spring.  Often we are dealing with the same in our own emotional realm.  We are struggling between still being in our dark realm of self-reflection and starting to come out and be part of a community.  We struggle to make room for others in our plans or seeing how our plans affect others.

This year I tried to help my daughter she begged me to send her to Denver, CO to a friend so she could start over.  She didn't even last 2 days when she left there and hooked up with some guy.  Then just a few days after that she was homeless again.  

It is frustrating when you watch others make bad choices, and not trying to rescue or enable them.  I need to continue to work internally on myself and externally on my new role is a parent of adult children.

My Heart is Broken... continued....

So my daughter left her roommate's place with her roommates clothes and didn't come back.  Then in the AM on her FB I see she is now in a "relationship" with a guy who is flashing the "Blood" gang sign and she only friended him that day.  She is no longer speaking to me.  I tried my best.  despite all of the nasty mean things she has said to me when she asked for my help I came through spending just under $1000 in less than a week to get her to Colorado.  Yet less than 2 days later she is trashing her roommate and other friends.

I just don't know how to let go.....

A Mother's Broken Heart Part II

The phone rings - my daughter is complaining that her new roommate (not even 48 hours yet) is being mean and giving her an attitude.  I suggested she try to talk with her roommate and she said she plans on heading back as soon as she gets her money and hung up with me.  I asked her roommate what was up and this was the text:

"She's complaining because I'm expecting her to actually do shit and not sit around.  She invited a guy overcast night, knowing guys aren't allowed, and now she's trying see  if a friend of hers can say.  I am not in the mood to deal with her, and if she wants to make her own rules then she can get tf out, because I have a life and I will not let her decisions bring me down"
I am so frustrated - I keep hoping and praying she gets herself together.  How do I let go - I just don't know.

A Prayer for a new beginning - the Phoenix

Image
For those of us with adult or nearly adult children who may have lost their way - I am burning a candle in prayer for their rebirth. Trauma changes the brain and makes it hard for our children to find their way to love. Let this candle light their path to love and give them the ability to define themselves without their trauma and past defining them.

For my daughter:
This is the candle I am burning - blessing you with hope and love on your journey. Behind it is the Phoenix - you probably remember it from Harry Potter - it grows and becomes a beautiful bird and then it grows old and bursts into flames - turns into ashes and is reborn. This is your rebirth - you have a chance to become new again. I believe in you as I always have, I love you as I always have, and I have hope and prayers for you as I always have. This candle will burn and become something amazing for you.

************************

update - this is what the candle looks like after 1 day (it has a statue in …

Studying........

Image
I am studying for my first California Marriage and Family Therapist Exam - which is called the Standard Written Exam.  I am using http://www.therapistdevelopmentcenter.com/ to help me study.
To force myself to work forward (I am a procrastinator at heart) I have set my exam date to March 11th at 9am.  I have a lot to study - and I am extremely anxious.  When I pass this exam, I will have one more exam to pass and then I will finally be a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Well I better quit putting it off and get some studying done today.  I HATE studying but at least I am no longer driving my son everywhere so I have more time to settle into studying - I LOVE him having his license.

A Mother's Broken Heart

Image
"Ok, well here is a thought don't read my f.b then. No one is forcing u to "check on me". Yes, im ur "daughter" but u blocked me out once n it wouldn't hurt anybody to do it again, permanently. Im living the life my actions n certain situations have led me too, thats that. Yes, i may need help but i dont want it. I gave up a while ago i just chose to bullshit around n look for an imaginary life everyone led me to believe i deserved. Im tired of trying to do good just to have it all ripped apart in a matter of seconds because of a simple or even drastic mistake i have made. Im good at selling drugs, im good at gang banging, and im good at feeling nothing. I noticed that i really don't care n I've watched myself change for example majority of the phone calls we've had like the one we just had i ended in tears, this one i felt nothing, no guilt, shame, love, nothing. What i can say is i was 100% honest. I did want more in life, i …

Full Snow Moon, Full Hunger Moon, or Full Wolf Moon

Image
This time of year our ancestors struggled to find food, were cold and often struggled to have hope.  This is a good time to focus on what the future holds and to getting through the tough times.  This time of year always seems to be hard for me to get through.  Finances are tough from the holidays, trying to plan for the future and making it through the day, it can be hard to have hope.

This is the time of year that I usually struggle and usually start to find the my seeds of intent are not going to come out the way I thought they would.  But this year is full of surprises!  My hubby and I are planning to go on a cruise to Alaska with my parents and we went to our first PBR event.  A year of changes and getting the rewards of working so darn hard to get our lives on track.

This is a full moon that I often ask to be shown the way and even if it seems divergent from my original plans, I follow the path that is shown - it always turns out to be the best path for me.  The past…

Imbolc - Putting thoughts into actions

Image
Now it is the time of year when we actually start working on our intentions - we plant the seeds - we start actively spending energy to make our seeds of intent grow.

So let's see how I am coming along with each of my intents.

1.  To walk more  - I got new shoes that are made for walking - expensive (in my view) but hopefully worth it.  Started walking and am able to walk faster.
2.  To make sure I do self-care - I am taking more time for myself.  Actually visiting with friends - and doing things that make me feel better.
3.  To pass my licensing exams - starting studying
4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her - have limited my contact with her to very occasional - after I tried to help her move to CO and she didn't get to the airport with enough time to get through security - I know she is not ready.
5.  To continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist - taking cases I feel calle…

Hope & Grief & Reality & Belief

How do you believe in the good of a person and have hope they will make better choices and yet deal with the reality of what they are doing and the grief of what you wish their lives could be.  I struggle so much with my daughter.  I want to believe she can be the person I hope she can be and yet not constantly hurt and grieve when she doesn't make good choices.

No answers - no revelations - today just grieving and wishing I knew how to help her help herself.

Loving myself enough

So as a therapist I am often working with my clients to love themselves and accept themselves - yet I struggle every day with that. 

I have started to be more mindful of my eating and learning to trust myself and my body's feeling  I am walking more not just for the exercise but to relax and enjoy nature.  I am mediating more which is helping me calm myself.

Today I actually left my phone in my car while I was getting my nails done so I could relax and treat myself well.

Old Moon\Full Wolf Moon or Full Moon after Yule or even Ice Moon

Image
I am focusing inwardly on ideas and ways to grow my practice and to be more connected with friends, family and community.  I am also taking time to work on myself.

The First Full Moon of 2015 - I feel the new energy pulsing - I am feeling positive energy - hopefully soon my hours will be approved so I can start my exams.  I am nervous but trying to remain positive.