Showing posts from December, 2016

45 - Wow!

So today I am 45 years old.   So much has changed.  My kids are grown up and moved out.  I have a 2nd career, Master's Degree and professional Marriage and Family Therapist Licenses in 2 states!
I have had many challenges in my life and many blessings.  I would like to start out this new year on the right foot so I am going to count 45 of my blessings - in no particular order.
1.  I am alive. 2.  I have pretty good health! 3.  I had an amazing electrocardiogram of my heart that showed it is very healthy! 4.  My lab tests are getting closer to normal. 5.  I am walking more and can walk more than 10 miles in a day. 6.  My life is getting calmer and I am learning to enjoy the challenges. 7.  Bipolar - yup it is a blessing - without the ability to live on nearly no sleep - I would not have made it through my Master's program. 8.  My daughter - she challenged me to better myself and be the best person I could be.  This also put me on the path to being a therapist. 9.  Being a thera…

New Year's Resolution

Every year I do New Year's Resolutions and every year within days or weeks I fail.  Then I beat myself up for not having stronger will power and though I promise myself that I can just restart, I somehow never get back to those resolutions.  Every year I get more anxious that I will fail quickly which then gives me self-doubt which drives me to sabotage myself so I don't have to be anxious that I will fail.

My birthday is December 31, so it makes it even easier to fall into this repeated cycle.  One year older, one year wiser - yup I should be able to do it THIS time.  But then my anxiety cranks up, I can't fail this time, or I am a failure. 

One year I planned on not making New Year's Resolutions so I wouldn't fall into my normal cycle, but by January 2nd,  I felt I was "being lazy" and "making excuses" not to make New Year's Resolutions so I made them and then within a month "failed".

So this year is going to be different, I am g…

Yule \ Winter Solstice 2016

Tonight is Winter Solstice otherwise known as Yule.  My hubby and I are on our own this year.  We will still have Christmas stockings on Christmas morning but today it is just my hubby and I.  We are are learning our new family life with my son living out of the house.

I enjoy Yule because it lets us get away from the hectic Christmas season.  We plan ahead because we know there is not last minute Christmas Eve shopping for us.

This is the time of year to start planning how you are going to make your seeds of intent come to fruition.

Allowing myself to grieve

I was feeling pretty good about Yule, and then suddenly it hit.  It felt like a tidal wave of sadness just crashed over me.  For an hour or so I really felt like I couldn't figure out which way was up.  I cried, searched for signs of my daughter on facebook and the internet.  I hate not being able to talk to her or know if she is ok.  This is the first Yule that I am really disconnected from her.  I love her and yet I know for now I need to let her to go so she can grow up.  I have hindered her for long enough by enabling her.  It was hard but I just allowed myself to grieve knowing it is part of the process.

Full Oak Moon \ Full Moon Before Yule

Full Oak Moon is the full moon before Yule.
The oak is a symbol of strength and eternity.
When the winter is in full reign over the Earth, it is important to remember the oak’s endurance. To survive the trials of winter, people must find within themselves the oak’s great strength.

It is important at this time of year that roots are pushed deep into the Earth so you can survive through the storms - no wonder it is a time of family gatherings and sharing of resources (Thanksgiving, Holiday events and such) - we need our families and they help us find our inner strength when the world around us seems brutally cold.

This year some of our traditions are changing as my son no longer lives at home.  Life is full of changes but it is important to keep connected.  We still will do Christmas Morning with stockings and we still got to have a family Christmas.  My hubby and I will celebrate Yule on our own this year BUT my son says he would like to celebrate Yule with us in 2017.  Keepin…

Being honest without fear of judgement

Since I gave the victim statement to the court for my daughter, I have been slowly working on coming to terms with letting go and allowing myself and my daughter to heal separately.  Then came time to start my annual family newsletter.  Do I just remove her?  That didn't sound right, but what do I do?  Through therapy, I realized I needed to be honest.  I have always been my daughter's PR person so to speak.  Making things sound the best they could so family could see the positive side of her.  I realize that is not my job anymore and I was able to nicely put that she is still struggling and we do not have contact. 

I know some will judge but I am finally becoming honest with myself that I have done everything I can and it is now time for both of us to heal on our own.