My Quest for Peace - Day 37
"I am open now in this moment, to the possibility of learning something about myself. I can bring my focus back to me. I may be feeling resistant to experiences the emotion and life not being the way I want it to be."
So I have 3 different strong emotions I am dealing with and I thought I would explore each of them.
Emotion #1 - frustrated, mad, pissed off at my daughter for her recent behavior.
Exploring this emotion I actually find that I am really hurt emotionally that she rejected me and put me down and upset at myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable and to get hurt. Really I am not upset with her, but myself and hurt that she still struggles to accept my love and when she struggles she rejects. What can I learn from this - well I know I have to keep putting myself out there able to be hurt in order to help my daughter to learn to love, but I need to remember the expectations of her rejecting me that way I will not over react when she does. I also need to understand that being hurt is part of a relationship when you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sometimes that means I will be mad but not to direct it at my daughter.
Emotion #2 - anxiety about the court date for my daughter
Exploring this emotion I actually find that I am anxious because I do not have any control over what happens. I am worried about being judged as not a good mother. I am still sad that any of this was needed because I wanted my daughter to have a good life. I am still grieving over the loss of my daughter that I had hoped would be. I need to remember to focus on what I can do - I can love and support and be there emotionally for my daughter and that is what matters. I need to remember that no matter what any outcome is that will never change.
Emotion #3 - anxiety about marketing myself and my new career
Exploring this emotion is actually what I have been doing for several months. I have been working on learning to trust myself and believe in myself. It is hard to undo 40+ years of thinking but I am getting there. As far as marketing, I have been working to market myself as if I were another person because it is hard to try to make yourself sound really good when you have been taught your whole life to be humble and not to talk up about yourself. This will constantly take work as it is one of my core issues but I am getting better - I was able to sell myself enough to my boss to get the job.
So I have 3 different strong emotions I am dealing with and I thought I would explore each of them.
Emotion #1 - frustrated, mad, pissed off at my daughter for her recent behavior.
Exploring this emotion I actually find that I am really hurt emotionally that she rejected me and put me down and upset at myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable and to get hurt. Really I am not upset with her, but myself and hurt that she still struggles to accept my love and when she struggles she rejects. What can I learn from this - well I know I have to keep putting myself out there able to be hurt in order to help my daughter to learn to love, but I need to remember the expectations of her rejecting me that way I will not over react when she does. I also need to understand that being hurt is part of a relationship when you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sometimes that means I will be mad but not to direct it at my daughter.
Emotion #2 - anxiety about the court date for my daughter
Exploring this emotion I actually find that I am anxious because I do not have any control over what happens. I am worried about being judged as not a good mother. I am still sad that any of this was needed because I wanted my daughter to have a good life. I am still grieving over the loss of my daughter that I had hoped would be. I need to remember to focus on what I can do - I can love and support and be there emotionally for my daughter and that is what matters. I need to remember that no matter what any outcome is that will never change.
Emotion #3 - anxiety about marketing myself and my new career
Exploring this emotion is actually what I have been doing for several months. I have been working on learning to trust myself and believe in myself. It is hard to undo 40+ years of thinking but I am getting there. As far as marketing, I have been working to market myself as if I were another person because it is hard to try to make yourself sound really good when you have been taught your whole life to be humble and not to talk up about yourself. This will constantly take work as it is one of my core issues but I am getting better - I was able to sell myself enough to my boss to get the job.
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