Saturday, August 29, 2015

Full Harvest of Fruit Moon

This is the time we start reaping our harvest.  Seeing what we actually gained for all of our hard work.  These are my seeds of intend this turn of the wheel:

1.  To walk more
2.  To make sure I do self-care
3.  To pass my licensing exams
4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her.
5.  To continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.

And I am reaping:
1. I am walking more - over 500,000 steps in just over a month - I am using my fitbit and really pushing myself to get more and more steps in.
2. I have changed my eating habits and am meditating more and now am embarking on wisdom chair coaching.
3. I passed my licensing exams!
4. I have continued to be a cheerleader for my daughter and am not enabling her.  It is hard and I worry a lot - I think I am going to go to a therapist to continue working on my personal issues with my daughter.
5.  I am following my path and it is amazing although scary too.

Monday, August 24, 2015

So many emotions

I spent last week at the Gender Odyssey Conference.  It was amazing, humbling and very emotional.
I have so many things I am still trying to grasp.
My daughter also contacted me while I was at the conference and actually was in a mental health facility trying to remain sober.
So spending the day listening to loving and supporting your child no matter what and then talking my daughter and trying to apply the same concepts to my relationship with her.  So much to process.
I think I will be adding to this one post for awhile as I process the emotions.

I am waiting to hear back from my daughter re: whether he relapse yesterday is going to cause her to get kicked out.  So hard to just let go and yet hold my arms open.

update Tuesday, August 25 2015 - it seems that my daughter has left the facility based on her FB posts.

I have decided to try to seek therapy because this is just to much - I need to work through these emotions and I am just a mess.
update Thursday, August 27, 2015 - I got confirmation that on Monday my daughter left the facility on her own accord.  Someone from county mental health asked if I knew where she was - I gave suggestions they will check.  I am heartbroken that she is still struggling and made the choice to leave a place she was getting help.  I have agreed to go into some deep coaching with a friend and am still hoping to hear back from a therapist.  I also agreed to work with a health coach to keep me on track.  I napped today trying to just deal with the emotional drain this has been.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

ordering new clothes

So I have been working hard at this new way of eating (very low carb) and I thought some of my clothes were loose - well it seems I have lost 5 inches off both my bust and my hips - so I ordered some new clothes yesterday - soon they will come in and see how they fit.  I had been ordering 3x and this time it will be XL - I am nervous but excited at the idea of being 2 sizes smaller.

Monday, August 10, 2015

and my heart breaks...

"HI, mom I got outta jail at 4am on Fri morning. I plead guilty to all my charges n only served out the rest of my time n have to complete a year probation sooo basically I'm cleared for all the law shit I have some fines to pay but things in the streets for me ain't lookin good at all most likely I'll end up dead. I love u n would give anything for a hug and for u to tell me u love me I just want to hear my mom's voice in person."  

and then:

"I love n miss u too you'll be in my heart....always!"  (which is from the Lion King)

my heart breaks - I wish I could really help her but every time I have tried to help her, but it never works out.  I just want my little girl to be safe and happy not be barely surviving on the street.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

worried and wondering

I know my daughter got out of jail yesterday.  She hasn't called me or popped onto facebook.  I am worried about her and wondering what had happened when she called me to get help for her at that address.  I hope she is making better choices and pray she is going to be ok.  I guess a mother will always be worried.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Another step towards self healing

So today I went to the dermatologist to look into what I can do to take the dark spiderweb veins off my face.  They have scheduled my first procedure to do laser to help lighten the veins and we will see how well it works.  I am excited to remove what sometimes is a conversation piece on my face.  It sucks to have people ask what is wrong with my face or what happened when all it is - is a lot of veins that show throw my skin - only really thick makeup covers it so it will be nice if they lighten up a bit.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

worries, positives, and life in general

So my worries about my daughter continued and were proved true.  I still don't know what exactly was going on and who knows if I ever will.

9:30pm I get a phone call but I just missed it.  It was an area code that I figured would be my daughter.  I called the number back and get dead air and then hung up on.
Then I get a txt from that number saying can u send   - I txted back asking what do you want me to send.  She sent back NVM (never mind) a few more texts back and forth with her stating nvm and me asking questions - to the question are you ok I got a no back. 
10:15pm I get another phone call - it is my daughter she said send help to (and gave the address) and then she hung up.
I tried calling PD non-emergency number for that city and got no answer
I then called 911 and eventually they transferred me to that city's CHP - they said it would be handled by the Sheriff Dept but then the call dropped.
I then called that particular Sheriff Dept's dispatch number - they then said they would forward the info to a deputy in the area of the address.
The Deputy called me and I described my daughter and also explained that she may be in some sort of danger and to please go and check - when I explained that she was the girl from the case last year (kidnapping and torture) he said he would go and check.

She was arrested on her warrants last night and today went to court and now has a couple of days in jail.  At least she is safe and she finally got those bench warrants and misdemeanors taken care of.

I will wonder what really was going on - I hope some day to know.  I hope maybe this is a chance for her to get her life going.