Sunday, January 25, 2015

Hope & Grief & Reality & Belief

How do you believe in the good of a person and have hope they will make better choices and yet deal with the reality of what they are doing and the grief of what you wish their lives could be.  I struggle so much with my daughter.  I want to believe she can be the person I hope she can be and yet not constantly hurt and grieve when she doesn't make good choices.

No answers - no revelations - today just grieving and wishing I knew how to help her help herself.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Loving myself enough

So as a therapist I am often working with my clients to love themselves and accept themselves - yet I struggle every day with that. 

I have started to be more mindful of my eating and learning to trust myself and my body's feeling  I am walking more not just for the exercise but to relax and enjoy nature.  I am mediating more which is helping me calm myself.

Today I actually left my phone in my car while I was getting my nails done so I could relax and treat myself well.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Death with Dignity

So this weekend was spent with my hubby visiting his grandfather who is now in a 24 hour nursing facility.  Grandpa wants to die, he is 93 years old (almost 94), gotten too weak to care for himself, lost his wife a few years ago and really no longer has a good quality of life.

Why must this wonderful, self sufficient man be forced to waste away in pain and discomfort both emotionally and physically when he feels he has lived a long and wonderful life.  We do not want him to leave but watching him wither away is not right.  He no longer wants to be here - I hate that we have to watch this proud man lose his dignity as he slowly dies.  It breaks my heart that if one of my pets no longer is able a decent quality of life, it is ok to let them go, but it is not ok for a human being.

I hope and pray now that Grandpa has made his decision that he does not want to live any longer, he is able to go rather quickly. 

Monday, September 8, 2014

Full Harvest of Fruit Moon

http://www.retrokimmer.com/2013/09/full-harvest-moon-sept-19-2013.html

This is the time we start reaping our harvest.  Seeing what we actually gained for all of our hard work.  These are my seeds of intend this turn of the wheel:

1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her as she goes into adulthood.

And I am reaping:
1.  I am down to monthly on my allergy shots, got my female problems taken care of, and found that to be emotionally healthy, seed #4 would have to be let go.
2.  My son is doing really well - in his 2nd year of college, has a job, and is becoming more and more independent and responsible. I support him and try to help when needed but mostly let him learn by doing.
3.  I am gaining more clients and slowly working up to being ok financially in my practice.
4.  As a friend once said - when you ask the Goddess for something, you probably will get it in a way not expected.  Well every time I helped (enabled) my daughter it came back to hurt me and/or my family so I have had to cut off contact to my daughter so she will hopefully at some point land on her feet.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

How do I move on?

Another night of nightmares.  How do I move on?  I have so much anger and hurt towards what my daughter did to us.  No closure.  She does not seem to care how much she hurt us or what it cost us or how much work we had to do to try to recover.  She just lives her life.  While as a therapist I understand how her brain works and she is just unable to really take ownership of her behaviors nor really have empathy as to what damage she causes - the mom in me hurts so bad that I trusted her and was working with her to try and give her a good chance at life and she would do this to me.

This is one of those things that really hurts.  She wrote this message on Facebook after she broke into my house and trashed it and then stole my car and drove, using my stolen credit card to get gas and to buy Starbucks gift cards.  That she can write this while actually hurting me - hurts me even worse.

Then a couple of days later she writes this.  Despite the fact she left lots of evidence, she would continue to claim innocence with me until 2 weeks ago when she said I was smart she knew I would figure it out.

If I hadn't walked into my destroyed house and saw her shoes sitting right there - I wouldn't have automatically thought of her - also she knew where I hid the extra set of keys to the car she stole (which has one of those electronic chip car keys).  It just is so frustrating.  And when she admitted to it on the phone with me, she really didn't seem to care or get how much it hurt - it was still that I owed her for something.

How do I move on?  I wish I knew.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The most terrifying night of my life

It has taken me 2 months to be able to write this as I am still overwhelmed by what happened and the series of events since.

Note sure how to start - Well first I should say if you are triggered easily by violence and fears of murder and torture - I would highly recommend you stop reading now.

So let's start with the news article and then I will tell the story through my eyes (by the way the woman in the article is my daughter.)

Monday, Jun 16 2014 06:02 PM

Reports: Beating, rape was payback for gun theft

The brutal beating and rape of a woman late last month was allegedly payback for the woman's failure to prevent the theft of a pimp's gun from her motel room, according to court filings.

The woman told police Michael Durand Lenoir was "furious" when he discovered an acquaintance of his had taken a black revolver from the woman's motel room in the 900 block of Union Avenue, the reports say. Lenoir, 41, tracked her down in the area of Union Avenue and Brundage Lane the evening of May 28.

He got out of his vehicle and punched her, knocking her to the ground, the reports say the woman told police. He then threw her in his vehicle and drove to the motel room where she'd been selling methamphetamine for Lenoir after meeting him a few weeks earlier.

She told detectives Lenoir, described as 6 feet tall and 270 pounds, is a pimp who requires his prostitutes to sell meth for him.

The woman said Lenoir used scissors to stab her and cut her left ear, according to the reports. She said at least two prostitutes held her down while he beat her by swinging an empty beer bottle inside a plastic bag.

At Lenoir's direction, one of the prostitutes held a lit butane lighter to her left nostril, the reports say the woman told police.

Lenoir then shoved the battered, bleeding woman into the motel bathroom and raped her, according to the reports. He raped her again within an hour.

The woman was admitted to the UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento the following day and Bakersfield police were notified. The reports don't indicate how she got to the center, or why she didn't go to a Bakersfield hospital.


Lenoir is charged with aggravated mayhem, torture, kidnapping and other offenses and is being held without bail. His next court hearing is scheduled for Thursday.

Court records show numerous criminal convictions against Lenoir, including assault on a person causing great bodily injury in 2012, drug possession for sales in 2007 and robbery in 1992.

He was on parole when arrested May 30.

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Background:  My daughter is 18, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and reactive attachment disorder.  I adopted her just as she was turning 5 from the foster care system.
She has struggled with drug use and violence for years and in 2012 I was forced to relinquish custody of her to Sacramento CPS.

My daughter was in a program called AB12 which is extended foster care for those who want it after they turn 18.  For more information on AB12 click here. 

on May 23, 2014 - I got an email from the group home in Bakersfield that my daughter was living in under the AB12 program "Hi i wanted to let you know that [your daughter] came to the house earlier under the influence with an older man. She got some of her belongings and said she wasn't coming back. She left in his car."

My daughter disappeared off facebook, no one seemed to know where she was.  I enlisted help from a couple of her friends in the area to find her.  They found out she seemed to be with some not so good characters but seemed to make the choice on her own.

On the night of May 28th, I was just starting to let myself be ok with the fact my daughter is just not making good choices and I would just have to let her know when she was ready to change I would be here for her.

May 29, 2014 - 1:31am - just as I was getting into bed, the phone rings.  It is a "RESTRICTED NUMBER" - I honestly thought it was the police telling me they had found my daughter since they had a missing person's report on her.  A man with a deep older voice asked if I was the mom of xxx and I said yes.  He then went on to tell me he "ran the streets" and my daughter had stolen from him and he went on and on.  Talking nicely but letting me know he was dangerous.  I was trying to understand what he wanted and then he told me he would kill my daughter if he didn't get x amount of money.  Money for a gun and money for stolen drugs.  I told him I didn't have the money at that hour but he should take her to the police and press charges.  I wasn't sure if this was my daughter trying to get me to give her money but I also didn't have the amount of money he was asking for.  I also realized in the conversation that my daughter had told this man that I lived in the house that was her group home house so he thought I could just show up some place with the money.  It took him awhile to understand that I lived 5 hours away.  I told him to either take her to the poiice station or to drop her off in front of it so that she hopefully would be safe since I was no where near her and it would take too long for me to get there.

The man hung up.  I consulted with my husband and we called Bakersfield PD - they told me since the call came to me and I did not have a number or a location that I would need to call my local police department.  I called them and they said there was nothing I could do but I could put a report in online or call after 9am and they could take the report on the phone.  I then got another call from the man.  He called back and I could hear my daughter screaming in the background.  He was threatening that should would not live any longer if I didn't pay up.  Again I told him to take her to the police station or to let her go and I didn't have the amount of money he wanted.

I called our local police again and they said that there was nothing I could do.  So I cried and laid down with the phone in my hand waiting for another call and hoping and praying my daughter would make it through this.  An hour and a half later (3:33am) - I get another call from this man.  He says he is outside the group home and wants me to call them to let her in - I try to explain that they won't let her in because her bed is closed and she is not allowed back to live.  He doesn't understand - I keep trying to explain it is a group home that only allows people in that were assigned there by the state or county and she has no assignment there.  He is upset.  Desperately I beg him to take him to a bus stop (since at this point it is obvious he wants to get rid of her and I am just praying he won't kill her).  I tell him I will pay if he puts her on the bus.  He hangs up.

I make tons of phone calls to Greyhound and they refuse to sell me a ticket for the next bus because it is too soon and they will not allow someone to buy a ticket over the phone unless it is more than 2 hours.  I buy the next ticket which is like at 7am - knowing that probably won't work but I have no idea what else to do - I am nearly 5 hours away.   I have no idea how badly hurt my daughter is and cannot do anything to help her.

4:03am - he calls back - he is there and will try to get her on the bus that leaves in just a few minutes.  He hangs up.  I am nearly throwing up I am so scared and nervous.
4:09am - he calls back - I can hear other voices - he is trying to force Greyhound to accept her despite the fact she looks really bad - he explains (like he keeps claiming throughout our whole phone conversation between threats) that he found her after she had been jumped and he is trying to get her back to me - they talk to me on the phone I beg - please let her on the bus (I just want her away from him) - Goddess please do not have him get on the bus with her.  It sounds like they accept her and then he insists I send him money - I do - moneygram - to strangely enough his real name - I so will get him as soon as my daughter is safe.

Now just to wait and hope and pray that she really is on the bus, stays on the bus and is ok enough to get to me.

Then I picked her up - her bus was late - the man kept calling me trying to get more money - it was horrible.  I saw my daughter - she looked so beat up.  She wouldn't really speak to me.  I took her to her social workers office and finally tried urgent care - my daughter admitted she had been raped and so an ambulance was called and she was taken to UCDavis.  She was released late that night and taken to a safe place to get a rape kit.  I love my daughter and it breaks my heart that she went through this.  Sadly she would continue making such choices that could put her in a similar situation... I just hope before anything horrible happens to her again, she turns her life around.  She is an amazing and creative intelligent young lady who has a wicked sense of humor.  I would hate for the world to lose such a vibrant young lady.

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Update 09/03/2014 - Michael Lenoir and one of the prostitutes that tortured my daughter are to have pre-trial in the next week.  Both are held without bail.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Super Moon - Full Green Corn Moon or Grain Moon

The Super Moon only intensifies it's pull on the Earth - Green Corn Full Moon or Grain Full Moon is the 2nd moon after the Summer Solstice.  We are in full swing of getting things ready for the harvest.  We are harvesting some of our crops and seeing how good our intentions are and getting other crops ready to harvest.

Not a lot of time yet to enjoy our bounty as we still have a lot to do - but we are starting to see what our hard work has given us.  For me, I am enjoying my son's successes - starting to let go of my hurt and pain of what my daughter did to me.  Coming up with more ideas for my practice and starting to feel better about the direction of my health.  I am try to only look at this moment and near future and not obsess about the far future.  Hopefully the harvest will be good with the Super Moon glowing above us.