Saturday, March 28, 2015

Waiting is sooo hard to do

I hate waiting.  I turned in my application for the next exam on March 11.  On March 24th my check for my application was cashed.  I am desperate to schedule my final exam.  I just want to be over with the wait.  I hate not knowing how hard I should study and when - because if I study like crazy now but end up with over a month to wait then what I am I going to do?  I am trying hard to be patient but I am so close to the end it just frustrates me.

Oh well I guess I need to learn more patience.

Monday, March 16, 2015

One exam down... One exam to go

On March 11, 2015 I passed my California Marriage and Family Therapist Standard Written Exam!  I am studying again for the next exam.  It is nearly unreal.  I am almost there.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I struggle with self sabotage.  I am working so hard not to allow myself to slip into my self-sabotage mode.  (I struggle to force myself to study).  But I am going to do it.  A nearly 8 year journey is nearly over and a new one is about to begin.

Friday, February 27, 2015

My Heart is Broken... continued....

So my daughter left her roommate's place with her roommates clothes and didn't come back.  Then in the AM on her FB I see she is now in a "relationship" with a guy who is flashing the "Blood" gang sign and she only friended him that day.  She is no longer speaking to me.  I tried my best.  despite all of the nasty mean things she has said to me when she asked for my help I came through spending just under $1000 in less than a week to get her to Colorado.  Yet less than 2 days later she is trashing her roommate and other friends.

I just don't know how to let go.....

Thursday, February 26, 2015

A Mother's Broken Heart Part II

The phone rings - my daughter is complaining that her new roommate (not even 48 hours yet) is being mean and giving her an attitude.  I suggested she try to talk with her roommate and she said she plans on heading back as soon as she gets her money and hung up with me.  I asked her roommate what was up and this was the text:

"She's complaining because I'm expecting her to actually do shit and not sit around.  She invited a guy overcast night, knowing guys aren't allowed, and now she's trying see  if a friend of hers can say.  I am not in the mood to deal with her, and if she wants to make her own rules then she can get tf out, because I have a life and I will not let her decisions bring me down"

I am so frustrated - I keep hoping and praying she gets herself together.  How do I let go - I just don't know.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

A Prayer for a new beginning - the Phoenix

For those of us with adult or nearly adult children who may have lost their way - I am burning a candle in prayer for their rebirth. Trauma changes the brain and makes it hard for our children to find their way to love. Let this candle light their path to love and give them the ability to define themselves without their trauma and past defining them.

For my daughter:
This is the candle I am burning - blessing you with hope and love on your journey. Behind it is the Phoenix - you probably remember it from Harry Potter - it grows and becomes a beautiful bird and then it grows old and bursts into flames - turns into ashes and is reborn. This is your rebirth - you have a chance to become new again. I believe in you as I always have, I love you as I always have, and I have hope and prayers for you as I always have. This candle will burn and become something amazing for you.


update - this is what the candle looks like after 1 day (it has a statue in it)

update - this is what the candle looked like after 2 days
update - this is what the candle looked like when my daughter got to where she was going - I hope she keeps the walls down and allows herself to be the beautiful woman she is.


Wednesday, February 18, 2015


I am studying for my first California Marriage and Family Therapist Exam - which is called the Standard Written Exam.  I am using to help me study.
To force myself to work forward (I am a procrastinator at heart) I have set my exam date to March 11th at 9am.  I have a lot to study - and I am extremely anxious.  When I pass this exam, I will have one more exam to pass and then I will finally be a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Well I better quit putting it off and get some studying done today.  I HATE studying but at least I am no longer driving my son everywhere so I have more time to settle into studying - I LOVE him having his license.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

A Mother's Broken Heart

"Ok, well here is a thought don't read my f.b then. No one is forcing u to "check on me". Yes, im ur "daughter" but u blocked me out once n it wouldn't hurt anybody to do it again, permanently. Im living the life my actions n certain situations have led me too, thats that. Yes, i may need help but i dont want it. I gave up a while ago i just chose to bullshit around n look for an imaginary life everyone led me to believe i deserved. Im tired of trying to do good just to have it all ripped apart in a matter of seconds because of a simple or even drastic mistake i have made. Im good at selling drugs, im good at gang banging, and im good at feeling nothing. I noticed that i really don't care n I've watched myself change for example majority of the phone calls we've had like the one we just had i ended in tears, this one i felt nothing, no guilt, shame, love, nothing. What i can say is i was 100% honest. I did want more in life, i had ambitions n dreams but thats all they we're. I know i have the potential to succeed, im not dumb at all. I am done n atleast i have the will to keep surviving because i refuse to go to waist but i quite putting in more effort into each n every fucked up problem i face , if im gonna end up at the bottom ."      
- My 19 year old daughter 02/13/2015
 I so wish there was something I could do to help my daughter.  She is on Meth, on the streets and she could be so much more.  I got a call from a medical center on the 13th, and I called her to check in and see if she was ok.  This is one of the facebook messages I got from her after our conversation.  This picture is the only way to express how I feel.