Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Letting Go......

Today I went to court to give my victim's statement re: my daughter's burglary charge from her burglarizing our home. Below is my statement. There is now a 5 year no contact order in place. I hope she gets her life together.
To my daughter Grace,
Nearly 16 years ago you came into my life. I struggled to be the mom that you needed. I know I wasn't perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes. The worst day in my life was when I got the 1:30 am phone call by a man who was torturing you and was going to kill you if I didn't give him the money. 5 hours away, I had never felt so helpless, neither Bakersfield nor Sacramento Sheriff's Department could help me help you. I thought after all of that, things would change, but they didn't.
2 weeks after that horrible night, you broke my heart by breaking into our home. You allowed others to invade our home to party, trash it and steal from us. You stole our car and the credit cards for non-profit groups I volunteered for and drained them. Our home was posted on Redbook and random people were coming and going from it. All the while you were sending me messages of how much you love and appreciate me and how you were working hard to turn your life around.
I worked hard to let go of the anger and to be there for you as a mother, even after you publicly trashed me on Facebook for accusing you of breaking into our home. I paid for many things for you, including sending you to Colorado when you wanted to go. But nothing I could do was working. You were living on the streets and getting worse and worse. My heart broke. When that horrible man came to trial, I tried to find you, to be there for you to testify against him. That is when I felt even more helpless than that night.
I felt like there was nothing I could do. But finally someone followed through on the burglary of our home and put out a warrant. When you called me, I had not even known it had been put out. I needed time to deal with my emotions and despite the no contact order, you kept contacting me. I know you may not understand how a mother can be so conflicted. On one hand I believe in consequences for actions and on the other I feel bad for the life you have lived because of your traumatic beginning and just want to hold you and make it all better. I am torn between anger, frustration, love, forgiveness, sadness and feeling inadequate as a mother.
I was so angry at you for not even following the directions of the no contact order. I was working in therapy to try to deal with things yet you not only called me but sent 4 letters.
Your letters hurt. I don't know if you understand that writing a letter and telling me that a book about an adoptive mother lying and hiding the truth from the child is turning your life around. I don't know if you really think a happy birthday card to your brother that says you remember when you were playing in the pool with your dad is really nice when the last time you guys played in the pool with your dad, your dad became a quadriplegic. I don't know if you realize how much that hurts others or if they are intended to hurt us as much as you feel hurt.
You said you were changing, I really hope so, but not one of your letters said you were actually sorry for hurting our family or breaking into our home.
I have been so frustrated that over and over you beg and plead for help and support, I provide it and when I either cannot afford to continue or say no, or find you another solution that is not what you want you start saying and posting horrible stuff about me and to me. I have also been frustrated that when you have the chance at drug rehab you say you are not addicted and have mental health issues and when you have the chance at rehab that covers drug and mental health, you say you do not need that much help you just need drug rehab. You are so intelligent, creative, and an amazing survivor that you could do anything you want if you applied yourself and didn't try to find a way around the work you need to do.
I love you so much. I know you probably don't believe that, but I do. From the moment I met you, to standing here now - you are and always will be my daughter. I love you so much, I just want you to have the best life possible. You deserve to have a good life and to be happy.
After a lot of therapy, I have been able to forgive you. I know due to the trauma you had early in your life your brain did not develop in some of the areas that would allow you to think out the consequences that will happen. This means it will take more help and support to help you gain the ability to really think out your decisions so you can make positive changes in your life.
It saddens me that I was never able to find a way to help you in the way you needed. I tried many things but none of them were really what you needed. It saddens me that you have not been able to find the happiness and success that you deserve to experience in your life.
I struggle with feeling of being an inadequate mother. We are taught that mothers know what their children need. Sadly, I never knew how to give you what you needed. I love you down to the core of my soul, and sometimes love is just not enough. I honestly did the best I could, and am sorry it was not enough but I love you and always will.
I believe that everyone can change. I believe in second chances. I am hoping that if everything works out, that I helped get you one more chance. One that will give you a chance to change your life for the better. If you are given the option of going to a Rehabilitation program, after you serve your time, please take the option. I believe you can do it, and if you do it, I will know that you did. I want you in my life again, and the only way you can do that is by getting your life together in a good program that will help all parts of you.
Grace, it is not your fault that you need help. Your early years were traumatic and horrific. I wish I could have been there so you never would have had to endure what you did. Those early years messed with your brain. You are fighting a tough battle, one that anyone in your situation would need help to fight. Please, take any option that is given to you to get into a program that will work with all parts of you and help you find your path to a better life. This is the only way I knew to get you off the streets and to hopefully get you the help and support that you need. I love you and I want you find true happiness in this life.
I am forever your mother and I will always believe in you.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Full Milk Moon

It is often called the Milk Moon because baby goats and calves have just started to be born so cow and goat milk is plentiful.   It is a time when planting is the main focus and birth and new life is plentiful.

I am working to find my happiness.  I have applied for my license in Oregon in hopes that I will be able to spend more time closer to the ocean.  I am working with my seeds of intent to be able to live some place that I enjoy.
I am also learning what empty nest is like.  I am finding it freeing to be in this new part of my life.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Let Down

So after nearly 2 years of waiting to testify against the horrible person who raped and tortured my daughter, he was let go.  My daughter could not be found so they dropped the charges.  It worries me and breaks my heart because he will go back onto the same streets my daughter is living on and she is in danger.  I did everything I could to protector but in the end there wasn't anything I could do.  My heart breaks and now I must start moving on.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Seed Full Moon

The Seed Full Moon is a time for planting first crops, especially corn.  It is when you start to make things happen and the energy to start to create.  Seeds will be planted and creation will happen.  The seeds will start to sprout from this energy.  This is a good time in your personal life to really dig your heels in and start those projects you intended to start this year.  Today especially the energy is very powerful towards creativity and initiating the beginning of what you start. 

The day was so beautiful.  I went to therapy and am feeling much better about moving forward in my life.  No longer having a trial hanging over me, I feel like I can move on and move forward in my life.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Ostara - Spring Equinox - First Day of Spring

Today, March 20th, is the first day of SPRING!!!!
This is what is happening to my seeds of intent:
1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range.
I am walking and have joined several "virtual races" to keep me motivated.
2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker.
Still working on that
3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
I found an awesome type of therapy called Wisdom Path Parenting and I love how it connects my spirituality with parenting.
4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.
I applied for my license in Oregon.  I am putting my practice online so I am more mobile.

I am motivated to keep actively working and creating the picture of my future - I have good days and bad days but the good is outweighing the bad.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Never ending on call....

So Monday the DA in Bakersfield told me that they are trying to get a courtroom so they try next on Thursday.  I feel like this is never ending.  I had to wait through November and December last year and then they decided to dismiss and refile because it had gone on so long and then we had to start all of the beginning stuff again.

Hopefully this time it will happen in the next few weeks and this chapter of my life can be over with.  Going on 2 years is a long time.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Moments that are the reason...

Today, I did a home therapy session with a family that was sort of like mine.  At the end of the session the mother gave me a hug and told me how much it means to her that she has me as a therapist.  Moments like these are the reason I decided to use my life challenges to help others.  I love being a therapist.