Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Full Oak Moon or Full Moon Before Yule

Full Oak Moon is the full moon before Yule. 
The oak is a symbol of strength and eternity.
When the winter is in full reign over the Earth, it is important to remember the oak’s endurance. To survive the trials of winter, people must find within themselves the oak’s great strength.

It is important at this time of year that roots are pushed deep into the Earth so you can survive through the storms - no wonder it is a time of family gatherings and sharing of resources (Thanksgiving, Holiday events and such) - we need our families and they help us find our inner strength when the world around us seems brutally cold.

Tomorrow I head out to the coast with my hubby for some solid one on one time.  I need to keep these roots strong so when I am facing the storms of life (testifying in trails, my bipolar disorder and many other things) I have my roots deeply meshed with my hubby's so I can weather the storm and hang tight and not fall over or break apart.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Received my subpoena... blah

It seems that everything is going to be a trigger.  I started climbing out of my depression and then today I get the mail and I have my official subpoena - and my stomach sank and knotted up.

It takes so much effort to climb out of depression and I am exhausted and then I feel like someone threw me off of a ladder.  I just want this to be over.  I am working really hard at working through these feelings and hope I can process them and work through them so that I can finally heal.

The downside of bipolar....

So this possibly will a jumble of thoughts - my mind is on the downside of bipolar right now - meaning depression.  I do not take meds although times like this I sort of wish I would but only because I don't want to feel like this.  Usually I am able to anticipate and head off most of my highs and lows but sometimes the outside world triggers me and I lose my ability to handle them.  I checked in with my hubby this weekend - he is doing ok which means he can keep me safe.  I am minimizing my time with clients this next week (only Mon-Wed since it is Thanksgiving week) and then we will go away to the ocean where I will be able to regain myself at least I should.

I know I am not suicidal but I have slipped into a deep depression with auditory and sensory hallucinations.    I am slowly reading my notes of that horrific night so that I can work through the hardest symptoms.  I will see my therapist Wed AM.  Hopefully in a couple of weeks this will be over with and I can finally let that night go. 

Tomorrow I have allergy shots, a chiropractor appointment and probably get my nails done.  One of my easiest clients tomorrow night.  And I hope to find out about what the diagnosis of my minivan.  Hubby told me whatever it costs I can fix it - I appreciate that - I have had it for 15 years now and I would hate to have to give it up.  It gives me a freedom I wouldn't normally have since I can treat it like a truck and never have to rely on anyone else to get things like wood or chairs or tables our our holiday tree.

Time for bed... I need to take care of myself and give myself time to emotionally heal.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

And the case moves forward....

So I checked in with the DA re: my the case in Bakersfield when Michael Lenoir hurt my daughter, and the case will move forward.  Sometime in the first couple week of December, I will most likely be called to testify against this nasty horrid person and try to get him locked up for life.  He refused a plea bargain, I hope I can help land him with at least one of the dozen felonies he is charged with so he will have his third strike.  I only say this because he has victimized many and he needs to not be among the rest of the population.

What I struggle with is having to deal with this after 18 months, and trying to have empathy and compassion and forgiveness for my daughter while at the same time the other case where my daughter victimized me - that is going on.  I hate emotions like this and I hate to be so torn and raw.  I wish I could really help my daughter and have her get better.

So many emotions and chaos and distractions running through my head.  On the plus side my son said that my pt cruiser that he drives is having problems, I say plus side because it gives me something logical to work on this weekend.  Hoping I can do a little car tinkering (and sadly there is little you can do with the pt cruiser without thousands of dollars in computer equipment) but maybe basic tinkering and changing of some sensors fixes it and makes me feel like I can solve one problem when I have no idea how to handle the rest of my problems or my emotions.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

When will it ever end....

On the plus side saying that line "When will it ever end..." reminds me of Monty Python's "Here comes another one" ...

makes me feel a little bit better.  But I am still tired of the unending shit my daughter keeps bringing upon us.  Or really that her actions cause consequences to us and not to her for YEARS!

So Friday is the readiness hearing for the court case where my daughter was a victim (The Most Terrifying Night of My Life) And I am just wanting that case to be over with.  And yesterday a detective called regarding my house break in that occurred just 17 days after that incident where my daughter broke into my house with several people, trashed it and stole my other car.  The CSI took fingerprints and DNA samples on June 19-20th 2014 - after that I heard back 2 months later that they would follow up (August 2014) then NOTHING until July of this year - then they said they had a hit on DNA and they were going to check on the fingerprints - THEN NOTHING until YESTERDAY November 18th.  The detective sent me pics of the people the fingerprints came back to - one of them is very scary looking.  Now they are pressing charges on them.  I am so very tired - I almost wanted to say - please don't we just were starting to feel safe again - now we got to see pictures of the people who were in our house trashing it and touching our things - I feel violated all over again. 

It is so hard to hold onto my sanity when every time I finally work through shit with my therapist and myself - it comes back to revisit me and we have to start all over again.  I understand why victims hate the legal system - it takes so long and just when you get back to your normal life everything comes again - I just got over the dectective calling me in July and finally made progress and now I feel like I am almost back to the beginning.

On the plus side - when the detective called, I was in the parking lot waiting for my therapist to arrive so I went right into session with her.  When will it ever end...

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Depth of Feelings

It has been nearly 9 years since I really and truly opened up my heart and practiced experiencing feelings without always shutting down my emotions.  It has been a roller coaster of a road.
I love the amazing feelings of love, affection, trust, safety, passion - and struggle with anxiety, hatred, and hurt. 

You cannot have one without the other and I still feel that I am better because of it.  It is only now though that I am really having a chance to work on balance.  I am practicing scheduling my life based on how I am feeling and dealing with things.  I take extra time to care for my emotions when I feel more chaotic and other days when I have more energy I use that and really get stuff done.  I am still able to force myself into doing things even if I don't want to but in general my life is much easier now that I am working with the ebb and flow of my bipolar disorder and able to keep it from getting out of hand.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Samhain - 7 year wedding anniversary

So this year my seeds of intent were:
This year I had 5 seeds in my apple.

So this year my seeds of intent are:
1.  To walk more
After a tough start in 2015 because of a hurt foot - I went on a cruise and then got a FitBit and that is really helping me walk more.  As of this date I have walked over 500 miles since July 14th and 1,200,000 steps.  I also have lost almost 40 lbs.

2.  To make sure I do self-care
I am making sure to take time when I need it - schedule clients so I am not too overwhelmed and am working to keep taking trips in nature.  I am now taking care of my diabetes and also exercising and eating really low carb. 

3.  To pass my licensing exams
I passed them both first time!

4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her.
After one last try sending her to Colorado, and then bringing her back to Bakersfield I will act as a cheerleader but no longer will enable her and tell her no and give her step by step instructions in what she can do.

5.  To continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
Sacramento Area Rainbow Kids contacted me and now I am working towards becoming a gender therapist.

And for this next year I got 4 seeds of intent and they are going to be:
1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range.
2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker.
3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist.
4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento.