Thursday, March 20, 2014

Ostara, First Day of Spring





Today, March 20th, is the first day of SPRING!!!!
This is what is happening to my seeds of intent:
1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
- I am nearly finished with my allergy shots and being able to feel good and more active and especially enjoy nature is really helping me become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.  Also my medications have now put me in the normal range for blood work and blood pressure!

2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
- I have been prodding my son in the right direction but letting him make his own mistakes and understand the consequences of his actions both positive and negative.  He has been thriving and I am letting him make most of his own decisions. 

3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
- It is hard not to become depressed and frustrated with the slowness of building my practice, but I was able to put in a good amount of money for marketing and I am starting to receive more calls.  I look forward to continuing to put effort forth.

4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her as she goes into adulthood.
- This has been really hard.  I struggled with wanting to rescue her from her bad choices and letting her learn the consequences but I am working harder to pulling back. 

I am motivated to keep actively working and creating the picture of my future - I have good days and bad days but the good is outweighing the bad.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Full Storm Moon

Today is the Full Storm Moon.  Storms are often brewing in the weather and in our lives.  This moon is at the end of February or in March and before the Vernal Equinox.  The weather is violently vacillating between winter and spring.  Often we are dealing with the same in our own emotional realm.  We are struggling between still being in our dark realm of self-reflection and starting to come out and be part of a community.  We struggle to make room for others in our plans or seeing how our plans affect others. This year I struggle with what I think my children should do (they are now adults) and letting them do what they choose to do so they can learn their own path and choices.

It is frustrating when you watch others make bad choices, and not trying to rescue or enable them.  I need to continue to work internally on myself and externally on my new role is a parent of adult children.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Enabling or Protecting?

So yesterday was he** for me.  My daughter (18 and living in a group home under the AB12 program - Extended foster care) a few days before had gone to a city about 115 miles from where she lives.  She had a ride down there but the ride ditched her.  The friend's parent she was staying with said time to go.  My daughter had no money, no ID or anything helpful. 

This was only 5 days since the last time she got stranded (that time in my city which is only 45 min from her home) at 3am and I picked her up and took her back to her home.

So what to do - I was so torn.
One part of me was like - she needs to learn - she will have to fend for herself and maybe she will stop this BS. 
Another part of me was thinking - well I want her to learn to trust in family so I should go.
Another part of me was thinking I am enabling her but not letting her serve consequences for her actions.
And yet another part of me knows the only way for her to get home now is to hitchhike which will have one of the 2 endings - 1 - uneventful hitch hiking trip and then she will think there is nothing wrong with hitch hiking or 2 - she is hurt, kidnapped or killed and then I will feel horrible because I will feel responsible.

I called my mom - we talked about it - she really couldn't give me an answer - but she at least let me know she understood.

I finally got a hold of my hubby - he as always is amazing and thoughtful - he told me that since this weekend is our mini vacation (we haven't had one in years) I should go and get her because I would never enjoy myself if I didn't know what happened to her.

Well I am glad I had decided because when I finally got a hold of her she had been assaulted and her phone stolen, so I went and got her.

It was a 2+ hour drive to get her - and 3 hours to take her to her home and another nearly hour to drive myself home. 

I got so frustrated while talking with her - her priorities are so out of whack and she just plays the victim.  She talks about how she doesn't know who to trust and when I tried to talk to her about her choice in who she trusts (high school drop outs with no jobs who party non-stop and jump from whatever seems great at the time to other things) she defends her friends and talks about how great they are even if they did leave her stranded in the middle of the night in a city she has never been in with no money 100+ miles away from home.

I found out that the person who assaulted her and stole her phone she met walking down the street when she asked him to roll a joint (she had the pot) for her.  And she goes on and on about how she tried to do something nice (sharing the joint with him) for him and how he got mean.  She could not connect how approaching some random stranger on the street and offering him illegal drugs might set her up for something.

Then all I hear about is how hungry she is and how she waited for me staring at a McDonalds for 2 hours and she hasn't eaten for 2 days.  I bought her some food at the liquor store and then after we on the road - she wants me to stop at a gas station - I ask her why and she said so she could by cigarettes - I told her I wouldn't buy them for her and she said she had money for a pack.  So she has money for a pack of cigarettes but not for food or the bus?!?!

Arggh now I feel like an absolute idiot for getting her.  I enabled her behavior.  So now I am going to try to be more strong and not rescue her even if I think she is in a dangerous situation.

Being a mom is sooo tough some times.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

One small step.. One short mile

Despite the high winds, I forced myself to walk a mile.  My mom had given me her old iphone and I am able to use it as an ipod touch.  I used the mapmywalk app and it was great.  Now I am hoping that helps motivate me to continue to walk.  tomorrow I am going to try for 1.5 miles - hopefully not as windy so my breathing isn't as bad.

In other news, I am saddened that my daughter is not going to school regularly and doesn't seem to take it seriously.

My son is doing pretty well, I am a bit worried that he is staying out so late but at least he goes to his college classes everyday and he is working.

I am looking forward to taking a short vacation this weekend!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Making progress....

So today although I was tired, I really worked to get my stuff done.  I feel like tomorrow I will be able to start walking again.  It is so weird for me having been so tired the last couple weeks.  I think I finally have kicked what was making me feel so bad.

In other exciting news - on allergy shots - I am now on the highest level - there are about 9 more times I could make it through if my body lets me.  I am looking forward to when I can not have to do this weekly but excited that things are affecting me a lot less than they used to.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Sooo hard to watch.....

So my daughter is now 18.  She is making some bad choices and it is sooooo very hard to watch her do that.

Her FaceBook Timeline is so disgusting to me - she talks about doing drugs and jumping people and sexual acts she is doing - along with photos of it all.

She says one thing but is doing the opposite.  I am just so sad this is the path she has chosen.
I have cried about it and gotten angry - but it just is so darn hard to watch - cannot really say anything else other than that.


 

Monday, March 3, 2014

A moment to say how awesome our relationship is....

So this weekend, I was reading some of my favorite blogs and this one, "The Chill Out Fire Storm" made me realize how awesome my husband and my relationship is.  These phrases:
1) Chillax.
2) You are being irrational.
3) Stop stressing out. It’s no big deal.
4) Have you taken your medication?
5) Is it that time of the month?
6) You are overreacting.
7) You are always upset about something.

or something close to them were often uttered by my partner in my previous relationships.  Not one of those is used by either my husband or myself.  When either of us are stressed, we empathize and do not "blame" the other or invalidate each others' feelings.

I think that really keeps our relationship awesome.

It made me realize how much we are naturally validating, respectful and loving towards each other.
I am so happy to have such a wonderful relationship with my husband.