Monday, July 14, 2014

Love and Loss

I just couldn't bring myself to update my blog for such a long time.  I am so very torn and hurt and am grieving so much. 

Since my daughter came back from her out of state placement and was put in group homes in this state - she has been going down a dark and scary road.  She started using drugs again - mainly meth and pot.  She was no longer taking her medications that help her keep herself together.  She was refusing to follow any of the rules of the group homes and getting in fights.

She rarely went to school for the whole day - yet her 3rd school in 5 months would graduate her anyway.  Group homes had no control of her.  She choose to actually leave one group home to move in with a pimp and a drug dealer.  When her life was in danger she called me - I got her to a hospital and prayed that she would see how destructive of a path she was on.

Then she went to another group home and the moment she got money she left.  This time trying to move in with someone else who would be arrested on fraud just a couple days later. 

The worst came just when I thought she really was turning herself around and I came home and realized she had broken in (with friends) and stolen my car and trashed our house and ate our food and drank our alcohol and stole my medications.  She came back that night and claimed she had nothing to do with it - but she left evidence that we knew proved it.

My heart breaks as I hear she assaulted a friend of hers that she was going to move in with until she broke into my house (and that friend decided she had not turned herself around) - she stole her key and keep going into her house and taking more things when this girl was at her doctor's appointments.  Then a friend of this girl, sold nearly everything he had to help her buy a car, and my daughter tries to steal that car and then slashed the tires when she couldn't.

I cannot believe that in the 14 years I raised my daughter, the values of not hurting others did not come through.  She is only out for herself and she hurts anyone if it pleases her.  This girl she has fixated on trying to hurt - nearly died a month ago and is in a neck brace because she has a broken neck and my daughter helps someone beat her up - WHO DOES THIS???

I want to wake up from this nightmare and have it all be just a horrible dream - that my daughter could never do this to anyone - that she can care about others - that her feelings and actions were not fake.

I feel so devastated and like such a failure.  My heart is broken.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Full Strawberry Moon

Full Strawberry Moon is also called Rose Moon or Flower Moon.  Called the Full Strawberry Moon in our area because the strawberries are ready to be picked.  It is one of the first harvests of the year.  Like strawberries we start to see the fruits of our labor.  This is a good time to focus on the seedlings that have started to really grow. 

In my personal life, this year, my son is turning 19 and going away to work for the summer.  He has really matured and taken on quite a bit of responsibility.  He finished his last semester with a 4.0 and I am very proud of him.  My daughter has had some set backs but has seemed to make some progress and I am seeing some positive growth in our relationship..  I continue to focus on building my therapy practice by networking and advertising and am starting to see some positive growth.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Full Milk Moon

It is often called the Milk Moon because baby goats and calves have just started to be born so cow and goat milk is plentiful.   It is a time when planting is the main focus and birth and new life is plentiful.

I am taking this time to continue to put energy into my new practice to nurture it with the ideas and sustenance I have been receiving.  It will take time and hard work but it will pay off eventually.

I am also taking this time to nurture my new relationship with my son (since we are fully moving to an adult relationship - exciting and scary at the same time).

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Beltane /May Day 2014

Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive.

My Seeds of Intent
1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
*  I have been eating a bit better and am focusing on many things such as allergy shots so I can breathe better and also some female issues that have to be dealt with.  After that, I will be working on my insulin and glucose issues.

2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
* He is going to be working away from home during the summer which is going to be my first big step in letting him try life on his own.

3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
* I am starting to get more phone calls and more new clients.  Including clients that are looking for what I can give.

4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her as she goes into adulthood.
*This is a big struggle as she seems to be hellbent on trying to NOT follow any rules.  I have no idea what I should do.  I continue to try to be supportive and do what I feel drawn to do.

Time to really kick it into gear.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Full Seed Moon

The Seed Full Moon is a time for planting first crops, especially corn.  It is when you start to make things happen and the energy to start to create.  Seeds will be planted and creation will happen.  The seeds will start to sprout from this energy.  This is a good time in your personal life to really dig your heels in and start those projects you intended to start this year.  Today especially the energy is very powerful towards creativity and initiating the beginning of what you start.  We will also experience a total lunar eclipse which is exciting and often shows the beginning, ending or major change in relationships.

My daughter just was placed in a group home several hours from home.  I feel there may be a really drastic change to our relationship because of the distance - I am not sure if it will be good or bad but she will be on her own much more and I will not be able to see her as often as roundtrip drive is basically an entire day.

I am using this time to focus on building my clientele and to volunteer more in hopes of helping more people and find new ways to help others.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Ostara, First Day of Spring

Today, March 20th, is the first day of SPRING!!!!
This is what is happening to my seeds of intent:
1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.
- I am nearly finished with my allergy shots and being able to feel good and more active and especially enjoy nature is really helping me become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.  Also my medications have now put me in the normal range for blood work and blood pressure!

2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities.
- I have been prodding my son in the right direction but letting him make his own mistakes and understand the consequences of his actions both positive and negative.  He has been thriving and I am letting him make most of his own decisions. 

3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me.
- It is hard not to become depressed and frustrated with the slowness of building my practice, but I was able to put in a good amount of money for marketing and I am starting to receive more calls.  I look forward to continuing to put effort forth.

4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her as she goes into adulthood.
- This has been really hard.  I struggled with wanting to rescue her from her bad choices and letting her learn the consequences but I am working harder to pulling back. 

I am motivated to keep actively working and creating the picture of my future - I have good days and bad days but the good is outweighing the bad.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Full Storm Moon

Today is the Full Storm Moon.  Storms are often brewing in the weather and in our lives.  This moon is at the end of February or in March and before the Vernal Equinox.  The weather is violently vacillating between winter and spring.  Often we are dealing with the same in our own emotional realm.  We are struggling between still being in our dark realm of self-reflection and starting to come out and be part of a community.  We struggle to make room for others in our plans or seeing how our plans affect others. This year I struggle with what I think my children should do (they are now adults) and letting them do what they choose to do so they can learn their own path and choices.

It is frustrating when you watch others make bad choices, and not trying to rescue or enable them.  I need to continue to work internally on myself and externally on my new role is a parent of adult children.