Transitioning Transformation

As my hubby pointed out last night it has been 10 months since his first and most major lower sexual reassignment surgery.  First off I have to say that I hate the term sexual reassignment surgery since he has always been male in my eyes (he transitioned over 12 years ago and I have only known him just over 6 years) so even though he is having lower surgery he already transitioned in my eyes.

So the surgeries have been a lot of ups and downs.  Even though they gave us a timeline reality did not set in on how long it would take and because of scheduling issues there was a more than 2 month delay on the last surgery and there had been complications there is still at least one more surgery to go for this round. 

So where are we?  Well in a couple of months we will be able to schedule his next surgery which we figure will be around May 2013 and then probably a couple months after that he will have one more minor surgery (August 2013??) and then he has to wait at least a year to get the urethral lengthening surgery so he can urinate standing up so we are looking to at least 2014 before he can consider being done. 

The hardest thing as his spouse has been watching his emotions go from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Each surgery has brought a new set of highs and a new set of lows.  There have been small complications - nothing severe but one included some skin that died and my poor hubby had to whittle it off (yuck!) which made him feel pretty disgusted with his body.  Sometimes he feels a bit more comfortable with the way things are going but sadly my job loss and our financial issues put a damper on things as he keeps feeling like this was too much money to spend on himself.  We did have to ask for financial help from my mother which I am sure stresses him even more.

I have learned a lot recently on his transition and transformation.  It is hard to really grasp the how he feels and his emotions as I do not have the same problem as he does.  I have learned and have come to accept he will never fully be happy in his body because he was not born into a male body so anything less will always remind him that he was not born right.  He struggles to see things as even close to normal or acceptable although we made some strides last night as he finally was able to feel comfortable enough for me to do things to him and he was able to be sexually satisfied after 10 months of frustration on that end. 

This will always be an ongoing transition - I get that now - he will never be "finished" or "satisfied" in his mind, but I believe he will always be moving closer to accepting his body and being more comfortable in his skin, just never quite get there.

This has meant a lot of transition and transformation of my own.  I have to continue to realize that I cannot "fix" this.  It is something that is his to work on and to deal with himself.  I have to support his emotions and no matter how frustrating it is I have to accept that he feels the way he feels and I cannot change it.  I have to be comfortable with our relationship the way it is and I can only work on my feelings and my issues and learn that how I feel does not always relate to how he feels about himself.

I guess in my mind before I always thought him being a husband, father and getting the surgery would make him feel like he is fully a man and not "not quite a man" like he struggles with.  I thought I somehow could fix it and have come to understand that is not my place and nothing I will do will really fix his inner struggle.

I have learned so very much in the past year trying.  I feel for all of those who are transgendered\transsexual or just do not feel right in their own body.  And I learned the most important thing to support those that we love that do struggle with not being comfortable in their own body is to be there for them, be patient, and acknowledge their feelings even if you get frustrated with them.

I hope that after this tough year my hubby and I have had we can work on a bit more of the closeness issues and he has now seen I am am not repulsed by his new body and he has not lost everything he thought he had.

This will be an ongoing transition and transformation but one I know will be a journey we can do together.

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