Sunday, September 11, 2011 - For us - 7 years ...

I got up with a mission.  I blocked everything out of my head - I ignored what was in the news and just went to a couple different stores.  At one Michael's I got a great sales person who called several stores until she found the store that had them.  I went there and then stopped by a Target to pick up my hubby some stuff for his contacts.  As I drove home my daughter called me.  She was struggling so much - it is a good thing and a hard thing.  she was crying, processing her emotions.  I know how much it hurts - but I am so glad she is able to finally start feeling again rather than stuffing her emotions and fear and it coming out so aggressive and pushing us away to protect herself.  I even handed my hubby the phone and he said it was real and what a difference from the last several 9/11 that she has gone through.

I know this one is going to be hard for her - but maybe finally she will start being able to heal.

I wrote this last year and updated it for this year because a lot of it feels so much the same:
"Time heals all wounds"  I am beginning to doubt that.  Maybe in decades or centuries but why are my feeling so raw....

So for the 2 to 3 months - I braced for it - thought about what the kids would need to do and how I could help them and here I am alone in the kitchen on my laptop -my son is camping and my daughter lives in a level 14 group home and I am blubbering and hurting terribly.

10 years ago despite being on the west coast - I watched the 2nd plane crash into the tower - For my generation it is one of 2 things most of us knew exactly where we were - and both were televised and we were watching live - 1.  The Space Shuttle exploding - most of us were in school watching the live feed because a teacher was on board - and then years later 9/11.

I was at work - since I started very early - several people just coming in yelled to us that a plane had crashed into the one of the towers in NY - we went to the tv and glued to it as we saw the pain and the fear of those thousands of miles away - then suddenly we saw it - the 2nd plane crash.  We all started crying, screaming, praying and chanting - holding each other and we were thousands of miles away from this horror.  I remember those horrible feelings still today and those images and moments are still etched in my brain - engineers, managers, shipping people, admins - all of us - different faiths, colors, cultures held each other and then for the rest of the day walked by each other with occasional touches and all of us would jump since we worked by Moffet Field and despite the airspace ban - they were running military plans - we all worried we might be next too.

10 years and not only is the pain I feel still strong despite not knowing anyone who died or suffered - and I watch the news and it seams instead of healing we have all pulled farther apart.  Issues of where a Mosque is to be built - even though many Muslims  also died and that tragedy did not choose whos lives they would take based on what God you believed in.  Yes extremist crashed planes and killed people.  But in the Oklahoma bombing an extremist from the US who claims to be Christian also blew up a building and people of all faiths died.  In my never to be humble opinion - anyone who would plan or carry out such a horrible plot to kill random people is an extremist no matter what faith they are and we should disregard their faith as to what let to it and instead see them as extremists.

How much healing has been done - I am sure lots but I still watch our country and our world hurt and the pain people feel is being often being turned around and causing others pain.  When will time heal all wounds?

Now comes the personal part - 7 years ago today - yup - same damn day - my best friend - my first husband and my children's father - jumped into the backyard above ground pool and broke his neck. Similar to 9/11 - in an instant - everything changed and life would never be the same.

For me more vividly than watching 9/11 happen - I still remember even more vividly the phone calls that there had been an accident and that I needed to get my kids.  The amazingly protective bear hug my kids were getting from a woman who that moment was a stranger to me and would quickly become my best friend  - my brother who is a police officer starting to cry - the kids in their swimsuits - and most of all the hole in my gut and heart.  Yes we have all gone on with our lives but damn it still hurts so very much.  I still want to scream IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!!  And I swear no matter how far I have moved with my life I still feel that gapping hole.  And here I am worried about how the kids will handle it and what I can do to help them and the truth is sometimes I feel like such a liar saying that things will hurt less some day.

I am not sure if the day to day hurt is really less or is it just that I stuff it to the side - is the pain I feel on a day like this really this bad because I haven't healed much or is it that I allow myself to feel what I push deep inside the rest of the year?  I don't know - all I know though is it still hurts.

I miss my best friend - while we still are friends and we get along - it is not like it used to be.  And the kids lost their active father.  My daughter never gained back her trust - I wonder if she will ever heal enough from this to form relationships although today she seemed to take a painful step forward.  Maybe it just takes more time... I guess we will have to see.

Until then we will keep breathing, living, loving and learning ....

After dealing with my daughter, I just emotionally lost it.  I started crying in my hubby's arms and just sobbing uncontrollably.  The traumatic moments of that day 7 years ago just hit me hard.  I spent most of the rest of the day in bed - my hubby picked up my son when he was back from the camping trip.

I talked with my son about some things and we decided we all wanted grilled chicken for dinner so we all worked on it.  My ex called - my daughter talked to him but not in the same way as she talked to me.  She was very self centered and dramatic and making it all about her when he was the one who was the most injured.  He was upset and I told him he did ok - then he said he could talk to our son so he did and my son said he was doing good after that.

We ate and joked and talked.  Then my son started doing some other things and my hubby got a call from our friend who was trying to talk to him and keep my hubby less anxious about the consult tomorrow.

It is past midnight now - nearly 1 am and we have packed and gotten everything ready for our day tomorrow - I will get up in about 4:45min and get everything started.  The consult is at noon - and will take us a 2 hour flight.... we will see what happens..

What a day.... many more to come I am sure....


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