Saturday, September 24, 2011

I got up for a great breakfast.  I also got a message from one of my attorney's telling me they had got a judge to sign something that would allow me to appeal and my daughter would be moved back to her group home during the appeal process.  With that good news I went down for the keynote speaker and there were coloring crayons and cool little toys on the tables - again what a way to remind us to see through the eyes of a child.  The keynote speaker was Dr. Laurie Anne Pearlman discussing Vicarious and Secondary Trauma: The costs of caring - which basically verified what we all as parents know - dealing with our children and the trauma they have experienced means that we experience it too.  It was nice to have a professional say that what we go through really is expected (what do you know everything we KNOW here on this support group - is verified by professionals - at least he ones who understand).  She gave some suggestions on taking care of ourselves and understanding how it can affect us.  Then it was off to a quick lunch - again very tasty.  There were a lot less people - now and we wondered how many professionals had left now that the workweek was over.  My last workshop was The Double Edged Sword - the Adoptee at Adolescence - by Deb Felio - maybe it was the emotional turmoil in my personal life - the exhaustion of having so much information dumped into me - maybe it was me starting to get sick - but I became completely emotional when she talked about keeping the kids safe and telling them they are safe.  I mean it really made me realize how little I could do to protect my daughter and keep the bad things from happening to her and yet I kept saying I would keep her safe - it just made me realize at such a deep level - she really does perceive me as lying to her and not keeping her safe.  I felt so helpless and lost - and yet sadly hearing that others were also struggling with violent scary children - and they seemed to still keep trying - it gave me the power to feel like I could keep trying and to fight for my daughter's well being.  And then she explained the different levels of development and I realized my daughter is still stuck at the first level and then I realized - I really cannot let her make decisions that she isn't ready to make.  So I left there both emotionally drained and yet with a renewed passion.  I went up to my room - I now really was starting to feel tired - My roommate and I went down to dinner in the hotel restaurant and then watch a wedding start where the conference was.  I packed up and went to bed.

I talked to my hubby tonight - I had been calling him every night but we just had quick conversations.  This one was longer though as he told me that again he got written up at work for being late - but his bosses love him and gave him several options.  I told him I would help him get up and we could decide if one of the options would work for him at a later point.  

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