Mom vs. Therapist vs. Advocate vs. Self
I had planned on writing something else today, but I had a horrible nightmare and figured obviously that is what my subconscious is really trying to deal with. As usual I intended on just putting that to the side and writing what I had planned but then I decided to force myself to deal with this because I can tell the nightmare is really trying to get me to deal with it.
Now I know logically I did everything I could and there is nothing I really could have changed but that doesn't stop the "voices" in my head and heart from constantly battling when my thoughts go to my daughter. I try so hard to even not think about her because I get "stuck" in my thinking and feeling and spiral down and end up depressed and feeling horrible.
So the back story:
In 2000, my son was 5 years old (I biologically had him) and we (my first husband and I) were looking to fost-adopt a little girl. In November of 2000 we met a girl who was 4 (would turn 5 on January 30th). The first day we met her she jumped in our laps and called us mom and dad. We were naive and had no idea that a properly trained professional would have seen that red flag from another state. We quickly started visits and she moved in December 1, 2000. Well social workers, case managers and therapists I would find like to take the holidays off. Things went from ok, to bad, to super scary in just a matter of weeks and with no one to really help us understand. I never saw a Christmas like we had (but after that Christmas it would become "normal") - we gave her a bike and she took sharp objects and cut the tires and ripped apart the seat and all padding. Every doll and toy and outfit were ruined (torn apart, shattered or broken) within the hour - and that was her stuff - she moved on to everything else that had been given to everyone else (including family that was visiting) within 2 more hours. We tried to hold her but she bit us and hit and kicked. Any food that would be served was thrown or spit on. After Christmas the social workers, case managers and therapists would tell us - that is ok she is just testing us and as long as we don't give in - it would end soon. It didn't. I had never seen any child let alone one nearly 5 destroy a house, cuss, and physically attack people the way she did. The oddest thing was in public she was wonderful but she would walk up to strangers and tell them we abused her or "would touch her private places" and could she go home with them to be safe?
After trying to get help from her therapist and finding she had no clue how to work with my daughter and didn't believe ANYTHING I told her (a little girl wouldn't or couldn't do THAT!) - I was able to get a referral to a therapist (by someone who had a boy like our daughter) who really did get it.
With lots of therapy and a lot of internal looking at myself we finally adopted my daughter on December 13, 2001. I had learned about reactive attachment disorder. If you want to know more about what life is like with a child with reactive attachment disorder watch this video:
So now I will skip fast forward...
My daughter would end up moving a lot because she became so violent and out of control.
She would make great progress we believed she would be ready to come home for good on October 1, 2004 - but all of that progress and work shattered when on September 11, 2004 - her adoptive dad - jumped into the backyard pool, broke his neck, and became a quadriplegic in front of the kids. The trauma caused all of the trauma she had experienced before coming to live with us (and it was a lot of horrifying trauma) to overtake her brain again. And even to this day, she has not recovered and we have not been able to find that little girl that wanted to be part of a family and was working to control her anger.
I would go to trainings, go back to school, work with advocates and learn resources to try and help my daughter. I kept my manic mind busy with finding solutions and trying everything and advocating the best I could.
So now the battle in my mind.
The MOM part of me: I PROMISED my daughter I was her forever mom. I told her I would never give up on her. I told her I would always be there for her. I held her and told her I would always love her no matter what! Logically I can tell myself this is still true - I still love her, I am still here for her to call and talk to and to visit with. I WILL NEVER give up on her - I think everyone is capable of change. I am her mother forever for she will be in my heart forever. But still I feel as if I am a failure. On February 23rd, I had to tell the court I could no longer care for nor provide the financial resources to care for my daughter. She now is in custody of our counties's court system. My nightmare last night as with all of my nightmares about her is going into a room (whether for a school issue, or other legal issue or a group of friends) and them all telling me how dare I give up on my daughter and I was being selfish. How much I hurt my daughter by giving her up. I try to give my reasons logically and I am met with other logical arguments that make me look like a horrible person and they look at me with such disgust. They tell me I am the worst mother they have ever heard of because what I have done has nothing to do with love or being a mother but selfishness and destroying a child's life. I struggle constantly to stop the negative talk in my head and to know I did the best I can. I wish there was an easy way to fix my own messed up belief system.
This leads me to the next voice: Therapist. Now what the heck was I ever thinking deciding to become a therapist - LOL. I KNOW logically and through all of my training what to do with my inner thoughts and voices and yet I suck at being able to actually fix my thoughts. I know this part will help me be patient with clients because I know how hard it is to change your internal thoughts but DAMN why can't I get my own internal thoughts and voices changed to quit demeaning myself. The therapist part of me tries to use logic and all kinds of methods I have been taught and I have used on others to try to work on my brain. That voice also reminds me - I am a MOM to my daughter, not a therapist and she needs more therapy and resources than I could provide. And then again that horrible downward spiral starts - how can I consider myself a good therapist working with emotionally disturbed children and their families when I couldn't help my daughter. I am a failure as a therapist because I was not able to make a healthy, happy, functional home with my two children. Then the other therapist part kicks in and says - you can only give tools and the person has to want to change and I need to want to change my negative thought process and re-learn appropriate self-talk.
Now I am sure you are getting the idea how busy my head gets - but it gets worse. My manic advocate part of my brain is always thinking and problem solving and researching everything that I might not have tried or done right. I have to constantly keep myself from sending tons of emails to my daughter's social worker telling her a new resource or idea or suggestion. I wonder if I should have kept her doing a particular therapy - I wonder if I should have advocated more to stay in charge of her care and I wonder if I really should start doing this or that for myself. I have struggled finding a new therapist for myself and I have every excuse in the book - and I know I should but I guess part of me is they will think I am really crazy once I start talking about all of these "voices" in my head. (I should say these "voices" are not real voices and more of constant thought processes. ) I am also scared to really deal with all of this stuff and afraid that like years before they insisted I be put on lithium. I personally know I am no longer dangerous to myself by getting too manic or too depressed, and if I started to go there - my hubby would take me to a doctor right away.
And finally there is SELF. But the problem is I am not sure who I am. I am so many parts and so many of my parts are separated from each other. Maybe this was a good way to start because - in a "nutshell" what I really need to find is who I am and fully accept it. Not just the talk but really accept all of the parts of me and try to put them together. The worst part is through all previous therapy, logic and all of my schooling - I know the right things to say and do but often it is just really going through the emotions.
Recently because of changes in my circumstances, I am now living a slower, less manic life and now I find I really must start working with myself and learning to really become the person I want to be by first finding who I really am.
This is the beginning of my journey.
Now I know logically I did everything I could and there is nothing I really could have changed but that doesn't stop the "voices" in my head and heart from constantly battling when my thoughts go to my daughter. I try so hard to even not think about her because I get "stuck" in my thinking and feeling and spiral down and end up depressed and feeling horrible.
So the back story:
In 2000, my son was 5 years old (I biologically had him) and we (my first husband and I) were looking to fost-adopt a little girl. In November of 2000 we met a girl who was 4 (would turn 5 on January 30th). The first day we met her she jumped in our laps and called us mom and dad. We were naive and had no idea that a properly trained professional would have seen that red flag from another state. We quickly started visits and she moved in December 1, 2000. Well social workers, case managers and therapists I would find like to take the holidays off. Things went from ok, to bad, to super scary in just a matter of weeks and with no one to really help us understand. I never saw a Christmas like we had (but after that Christmas it would become "normal") - we gave her a bike and she took sharp objects and cut the tires and ripped apart the seat and all padding. Every doll and toy and outfit were ruined (torn apart, shattered or broken) within the hour - and that was her stuff - she moved on to everything else that had been given to everyone else (including family that was visiting) within 2 more hours. We tried to hold her but she bit us and hit and kicked. Any food that would be served was thrown or spit on. After Christmas the social workers, case managers and therapists would tell us - that is ok she is just testing us and as long as we don't give in - it would end soon. It didn't. I had never seen any child let alone one nearly 5 destroy a house, cuss, and physically attack people the way she did. The oddest thing was in public she was wonderful but she would walk up to strangers and tell them we abused her or "would touch her private places" and could she go home with them to be safe?
After trying to get help from her therapist and finding she had no clue how to work with my daughter and didn't believe ANYTHING I told her (a little girl wouldn't or couldn't do THAT!) - I was able to get a referral to a therapist (by someone who had a boy like our daughter) who really did get it.
With lots of therapy and a lot of internal looking at myself we finally adopted my daughter on December 13, 2001. I had learned about reactive attachment disorder. If you want to know more about what life is like with a child with reactive attachment disorder watch this video:
My daughter would end up moving a lot because she became so violent and out of control.
She would make great progress we believed she would be ready to come home for good on October 1, 2004 - but all of that progress and work shattered when on September 11, 2004 - her adoptive dad - jumped into the backyard pool, broke his neck, and became a quadriplegic in front of the kids. The trauma caused all of the trauma she had experienced before coming to live with us (and it was a lot of horrifying trauma) to overtake her brain again. And even to this day, she has not recovered and we have not been able to find that little girl that wanted to be part of a family and was working to control her anger.
I would go to trainings, go back to school, work with advocates and learn resources to try and help my daughter. I kept my manic mind busy with finding solutions and trying everything and advocating the best I could.
So now the battle in my mind.
The MOM part of me: I PROMISED my daughter I was her forever mom. I told her I would never give up on her. I told her I would always be there for her. I held her and told her I would always love her no matter what! Logically I can tell myself this is still true - I still love her, I am still here for her to call and talk to and to visit with. I WILL NEVER give up on her - I think everyone is capable of change. I am her mother forever for she will be in my heart forever. But still I feel as if I am a failure. On February 23rd, I had to tell the court I could no longer care for nor provide the financial resources to care for my daughter. She now is in custody of our counties's court system. My nightmare last night as with all of my nightmares about her is going into a room (whether for a school issue, or other legal issue or a group of friends) and them all telling me how dare I give up on my daughter and I was being selfish. How much I hurt my daughter by giving her up. I try to give my reasons logically and I am met with other logical arguments that make me look like a horrible person and they look at me with such disgust. They tell me I am the worst mother they have ever heard of because what I have done has nothing to do with love or being a mother but selfishness and destroying a child's life. I struggle constantly to stop the negative talk in my head and to know I did the best I can. I wish there was an easy way to fix my own messed up belief system.
This leads me to the next voice: Therapist. Now what the heck was I ever thinking deciding to become a therapist - LOL. I KNOW logically and through all of my training what to do with my inner thoughts and voices and yet I suck at being able to actually fix my thoughts. I know this part will help me be patient with clients because I know how hard it is to change your internal thoughts but DAMN why can't I get my own internal thoughts and voices changed to quit demeaning myself. The therapist part of me tries to use logic and all kinds of methods I have been taught and I have used on others to try to work on my brain. That voice also reminds me - I am a MOM to my daughter, not a therapist and she needs more therapy and resources than I could provide. And then again that horrible downward spiral starts - how can I consider myself a good therapist working with emotionally disturbed children and their families when I couldn't help my daughter. I am a failure as a therapist because I was not able to make a healthy, happy, functional home with my two children. Then the other therapist part kicks in and says - you can only give tools and the person has to want to change and I need to want to change my negative thought process and re-learn appropriate self-talk.
Now I am sure you are getting the idea how busy my head gets - but it gets worse. My manic advocate part of my brain is always thinking and problem solving and researching everything that I might not have tried or done right. I have to constantly keep myself from sending tons of emails to my daughter's social worker telling her a new resource or idea or suggestion. I wonder if I should have kept her doing a particular therapy - I wonder if I should have advocated more to stay in charge of her care and I wonder if I really should start doing this or that for myself. I have struggled finding a new therapist for myself and I have every excuse in the book - and I know I should but I guess part of me is they will think I am really crazy once I start talking about all of these "voices" in my head. (I should say these "voices" are not real voices and more of constant thought processes. ) I am also scared to really deal with all of this stuff and afraid that like years before they insisted I be put on lithium. I personally know I am no longer dangerous to myself by getting too manic or too depressed, and if I started to go there - my hubby would take me to a doctor right away.
And finally there is SELF. But the problem is I am not sure who I am. I am so many parts and so many of my parts are separated from each other. Maybe this was a good way to start because - in a "nutshell" what I really need to find is who I am and fully accept it. Not just the talk but really accept all of the parts of me and try to put them together. The worst part is through all previous therapy, logic and all of my schooling - I know the right things to say and do but often it is just really going through the emotions.
Recently because of changes in my circumstances, I am now living a slower, less manic life and now I find I really must start working with myself and learning to really become the person I want to be by first finding who I really am.
This is the beginning of my journey.
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