Living Stealth

Definition of STEALTH

1: the act or action of proceeding furtively, secretly, or imperceptibly 

2: the state of being furtive or unobtrusive

So what does stealth have to do with me?  Everything.  

Around 4th grade when girls were starting to go boy crazy - I had no interest in boys and actually had a crush on a female teacher (thank goodness not one of my teachers just one at school).  As a geek I looked things up and started to figure out I was probably a lesbian.  High school came around and because of a hormone imbalance (PCOS) my voice got lower and I started growing facial hair - so much that I had to shave 2x a day.  This made me question for awhile whether I was supposed to be a boy.  Eventually I realized that I really am a lesbian but since it was not really acceptable among my family and friends, I just hid it.

I met a wonderful guy who became my best friend and explained that I liked girls and he had his own issues so we agreed to date and later married.  He understood that I loved him like a brother but we figured raising kids as best friends was better than fights and divorce that we had seen our parents go through.  So I lived stealth.  I got to travel with work and such and we had an open marriage where I could see women (not men) on the side.  Eventually our marriage would break up when I fell in love.  I came out and started living an open life as a lesbian.

That relationship failed as did several others.  And then I met a wonderful man that I would marry.  He is a FTM (Female to Male) transsexual and stealth.  This means no one knows that he was born into a female body.  He passes easily as a male - from my understanding that actually before he transitioned he constantly got questioned as to whether he was a female.

He is sweet, romantic, funny and very understanding.  Despite me being afraid that I would not be attracted to him physically I surprisingly was.  He accepted I still enjoy looking at women and knows that in general I am not attracted to men.  The only really tough part of dating him is that I would have to go back in the closet and live my life stealth like he does.  This means to the outside world I am now a woman in a heterosexual relationship.  

This was hard and occasionally is still hard with my personal identity of a femme lesbian. I have worked at conservative companies and had to listen to a lot of gay bashing.  I sometimes hate having to be stealth.  What is really hard is this year my hubby would start his lower surgeries.  This is no small task and not something that is easily done as stealth.  My hubby has had to deal with TSA constantly as he flies back and forth from Scottsdale, AZ.  We rented a house in AZ for the 1st month of his surgeries and that became tough because the owner was in and out and is very Catholic and so we had to just say he was having abdomen surgery.  Friends had to take care of my son for a few weeks and they wanted to know and you keep having to not really say what the surgery is and that he is doing ok but still has more to do.

I often have no one to talk to and no one to share my fears and frustrations and successes about the surgery with nor how it is to deal with a husband who is severely depressed and in pain because of the surgery.  Living stealth definitely limits who I can interact with and limits me to having only a virtual should to cry on being that no one around us can really know what is going on.

I am always worried someone will find out or I will slip up.  I have to constantly edit my past when talking about things because yes this is my 3rd marriage - my 2nd was to my wife.  I feel bad hiding things when people ask and trying to sound honest while I am evading direct lies but also the truth.

My son is dating a Mormon girl and she doesn't know and I worry what she will do when and my son tells her and since her family is related to my son's best friend's family and my son stays with them often - will that cause problems.

Not to even get into the fact of having to put my daughter into the system - she loves to tell lies of our perverted, twisted lifestyle and then we have to out ourselves to social workers and investigators and try to make the fact we live stealth to not look like we are hiding something when in fact we are but not something perverted (although in our part of California it is considered perverted by so many.)

Finding a therapist is hard - just to have someone to talk to - several couldn't wrap their head around my life and some others didn't understand why living stealth is stressful.  Then I find someone who understands the stealth part but doesn't understand dealing with my daughter (how could I give up someone I adopted).  I feel so judged and like I hide so much of my life, I am afraid of doing much.

Those who know me on facebook will notice that I have very little that would let people know about my stealth life because many are from around here.  I sometimes will allude to it but never directly.

I know what I need to do is be ok with who I am without other people's input but it is hard and even harder when people ask questions that are hard to answer without letting anything on.

I just wish I didn't have to constantly hide so many parts of me.  Not sure what I can do about it but looking for ways to make it easier.