Dealing with Disappointment

If you were to ask me why I haven't posted much recently, my first reaction would be to say that I have been really busy.  The truth though is I haven't wanted to actually acknowledge my own disappointments and frustrations because if I don't acknowledge them - then Hey!  They must not exist!

I wish that were true.  I keep telling myself that there must be a reason for these things but it is still hard to deal with at the moment.

Disappointment on the job front.  I have been struggling to get an intern therapist job.  A few weeks ago, I went on an interview and was excited that the therapist (whom I look up to in the field I want to work in) said she would bring me on.  I left her house with her saying "I will work on the paperwork."  She told me to come to a meeting the next week so I figured I would talk to her and fill out paperwork then.  A week later I went to the meeting and she was busy and had children around her.  The next day I sent an email asking when would she want to meet up to do paperwork and she emailed me back that she realized she was too busy to take me on and sorry.  I was so bummed.  I had turned down another interview because I thought I would be working for her and this is the second time I was told I had a job and then something happened.

This leads to so much self doubt - are people just being nice and not wanting to tell me that I did something wrong or am not what they wanted or are they really dealing with the other issues they say.  So this has been really hard and leaving me with not sure what kind of job to keep looking for and to being willing to put myself out there and possibly getting rejected again.

Disappointment on the parenting front with my daughter.  It isn't actually my daughter I am disappointed in, it is the system and the other people in her life that I am disappointed in.  She was supposed to go to a placement in another state, one that I feel will be very good therapeutically for her, but sadly it keep getting delayed, partly due to the people around my daughter that do not realize how mentally and emotionally ill she is.

Problem 1:  She saw a psychiatrist and told him that her medications make her tired (my daughter is court ordered to take her medications but she doesn't want to take them).  He talks with her current care givers (who have known her for less than a week) and notes that the previous placement kicked her out.  He decides that based on her current care givers, the past ones and what my daughter says, the medications are not helping her and removes her from two strong medications.  I didn't find out for a couple of weeks, and that explained my daughter's bizarre behaviors.  I called the psychiatrist and he said no one else sees any problems.  What they don't understand is my daughter is very Bipolar and her manic episodes with these medications are like a kitchen fire, dangerous, causing damage, potentially life threatening, but with the right fire extinguisher it can be put out reasonably quickly and the damage can be fixed within a short period of time.  Without her medications though her manic episodes are like a raging wild fire.  It takes a lot of time to contain and eventually put out the fire.  It takes a long time to clean up the damage and nothing will ever be the same.  The problem is very few people have seen this because every time a group home took her off the medications before it was only about 2 months before they realized the danger and they put her back on.  Since those people are not involved with my daughter, there is no one but me to explain it.

Problem 2: My daughter feels her rights have been violated by planning to put her out of state so she has worked hard at showing her "angel" side to advocates and lawyers.  This has made her original basic administrative review to be changed to an actual court hearing which means that instead of leaving a month ago we still have almost 2 weeks until the hearing.

Problem 3:  The group home that would take my daughter temporarily until the hearings was a lower level and did not understand or believe me that my daughter was planning to run away and had cell phone and internet access.  They really believed her that she had done so well at the higher level group home she was being stepped down and that I am mentally ill and an alcoholic who kicked her out when I married my husband.

Problem 4:  My daughter has been off of the medications for more than 2 weeks now and is manic and very scary.  On Friday she ran away and on Saturday she broke into the group home staff office and stole some stuff, packed some of her things and left.  She has now been kicked out of that group home and no one knows where she is.

I am disappointed that no matter how hard I advocated for her and tried to let people know, she is now in serious danger as are the people around her.  I feel like I have let her down some how since no one seems to understand how severe her problems are and it is up to me to protect her, sadly I couldn't and now I fear something really bad will happen.

I am struggling to feel like I fit in somewhere and am good at something.  My logic side of me says that this is all going to work out and things need to happen for reasons unknown to me, but my heart hurts and I am struggling to maintain my self confidence and self esteem.

So that is why I really haven't wanted to sit here and write - but now that I have, I actually feel a bit better that I have gotten it off my chest.   Processing my feelings is something I struggle with, but I know this will help me personally and professionally.

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