Co dependence vs Interdependence

Co dependence: : a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another 

Interdependence: A reciprocal relation between interdependent entities (objects or individuals or groups); Mutual dependence.

I have lived most of my life in relationships that function on co dependence.  Nearly 6 years ago I decided I would never live like that again.  This lead me to insist that in my current relationship that everything be as equal as possible.  I wanted to make sure we only WANTED to be together and not feel (especially me) that we NEEDED or HAD to be together.

Now I find myself having to learn Interdependence.  Where we both NEED each other for different reasons but we both give something to the relationship.  In most of my relationships finances and money played a huge part of being co dependent and in dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.  So now that I have been unemployed and having no income for several months and yesterday when the job I thought I was going to have fell through I find myself being scared and very uncomfortable.

Here is where my logical and my emotional sides conflict.  I logically know that my hubby can provide for both of us, that I do a lot for us that is not financial and that his recent surgeries and ability to pay from them was because of what I bring to the relationship.  Logically I know that our relationship is equal and interdependent.

Emotionally thought I have started to feel worthless and that I am not bringing enough to our relationship.  My hubby keeps telling me how wonderful I am and how much I do bring to our relationship but I have such a hard time believing it.

This really comes down to the fact that in my mind if I am not able to provide at least my share financially then I am not doing my part. It also comes from problems from being not able to trust that someone could actually be there when I needed them.

I know I have huge trust issues and I keep working on them and as soon as it feels like I have gotten through it, I find that I am still struggling with it.  Now that I look at this as I write this - I find it is so simple - money for me equals the ability to control one's life and not having it means I have to trust that my hubby can keep us afloat and also means since he is the one making the money he has what I consider control and that scares me.

This is really quite silly in my mind because I love and trust my hubby more than I have ever trusted someone before and he has never given me a reason not to trust that he can provide and support me while I need it, yet here it is again in my heart - fearing I cannot take care of myself, that I have no control over my life and have let someone - once again take control and make me feel lesser.

But my hubby is not like that - I AM THE ONE MAKING MYSELF FEEL LESSER.  I need to work on myself to realize that money and control is not the core of me and that I am with a wonderful man who actually enjoys supporting me and feeling like he is giving me something while I get my new career built.

Today I will be grateful for having a wonderful hubby.  Today I will be grateful that I can give him the gift of feeling good that he is helping me when I need it most.  Today I will be grateful that I can trust I have a roof over my head while I build my new career.  Today I will be grateful that I can practice my trust and learn that Interdependence is healthy.  I will remind myself that I am worth a lot to the relationship and I will make sure I let my hubby know that I am struggling but I am going to overcome this feeling.

Well on with the day...