Enabling or Protecting?
So yesterday was he** for me. My daughter (18 and living in a group home under the AB12 program - Extended foster care) a few days before had gone to a city about 115 miles from where she lives. She had a ride down there but the ride ditched her. The friend's parent she was staying with said time to go. My daughter had no money, no ID or anything helpful.
This was only 5 days since the last time she got stranded (that time in my city which is only 45 min from her home) at 3am and I picked her up and took her back to her home.
So what to do - I was so torn.
One part of me was like - she needs to learn - she will have to fend for herself and maybe she will stop this BS.
Another part of me was thinking - well I want her to learn to trust in family so I should go.
Another part of me was thinking I am enabling her but not letting her serve consequences for her actions.
And yet another part of me knows the only way for her to get home now is to hitchhike which will have one of the 2 endings - 1 - uneventful hitch hiking trip and then she will think there is nothing wrong with hitch hiking or 2 - she is hurt, kidnapped or killed and then I will feel horrible because I will feel responsible.
I called my mom - we talked about it - she really couldn't give me an answer - but she at least let me know she understood.
I finally got a hold of my hubby - he as always is amazing and thoughtful - he told me that since this weekend is our mini vacation (we haven't had one in years) I should go and get her because I would never enjoy myself if I didn't know what happened to her.
Well I am glad I had decided because when I finally got a hold of her she had been assaulted and her phone stolen, so I went and got her.
It was a 2+ hour drive to get her - and 3 hours to take her to her home and another nearly hour to drive myself home.
I got so frustrated while talking with her - her priorities are so out of whack and she just plays the victim. She talks about how she doesn't know who to trust and when I tried to talk to her about her choice in who she trusts (high school drop outs with no jobs who party non-stop and jump from whatever seems great at the time to other things) she defends her friends and talks about how great they are even if they did leave her stranded in the middle of the night in a city she has never been in with no money 100+ miles away from home.
I found out that the person who assaulted her and stole her phone she met walking down the street when she asked him to roll a joint (she had the pot) for her. And she goes on and on about how she tried to do something nice (sharing the joint with him) for him and how he got mean. She could not connect how approaching some random stranger on the street and offering him illegal drugs might set her up for something.
Then all I hear about is how hungry she is and how she waited for me staring at a McDonalds for 2 hours and she hasn't eaten for 2 days. I bought her some food at the liquor store and then after we on the road - she wants me to stop at a gas station - I ask her why and she said so she could by cigarettes - I told her I wouldn't buy them for her and she said she had money for a pack. So she has money for a pack of cigarettes but not for food or the bus?!?!
Arggh now I feel like an absolute idiot for getting her. I enabled her behavior. So now I am going to try to be more strong and not rescue her even if I think she is in a dangerous situation.
Being a mom is sooo tough some times.
This was only 5 days since the last time she got stranded (that time in my city which is only 45 min from her home) at 3am and I picked her up and took her back to her home.
So what to do - I was so torn.
One part of me was like - she needs to learn - she will have to fend for herself and maybe she will stop this BS.
Another part of me was thinking - well I want her to learn to trust in family so I should go.
Another part of me was thinking I am enabling her but not letting her serve consequences for her actions.
And yet another part of me knows the only way for her to get home now is to hitchhike which will have one of the 2 endings - 1 - uneventful hitch hiking trip and then she will think there is nothing wrong with hitch hiking or 2 - she is hurt, kidnapped or killed and then I will feel horrible because I will feel responsible.
I called my mom - we talked about it - she really couldn't give me an answer - but she at least let me know she understood.
I finally got a hold of my hubby - he as always is amazing and thoughtful - he told me that since this weekend is our mini vacation (we haven't had one in years) I should go and get her because I would never enjoy myself if I didn't know what happened to her.
Well I am glad I had decided because when I finally got a hold of her she had been assaulted and her phone stolen, so I went and got her.
It was a 2+ hour drive to get her - and 3 hours to take her to her home and another nearly hour to drive myself home.
I got so frustrated while talking with her - her priorities are so out of whack and she just plays the victim. She talks about how she doesn't know who to trust and when I tried to talk to her about her choice in who she trusts (high school drop outs with no jobs who party non-stop and jump from whatever seems great at the time to other things) she defends her friends and talks about how great they are even if they did leave her stranded in the middle of the night in a city she has never been in with no money 100+ miles away from home.
I found out that the person who assaulted her and stole her phone she met walking down the street when she asked him to roll a joint (she had the pot) for her. And she goes on and on about how she tried to do something nice (sharing the joint with him) for him and how he got mean. She could not connect how approaching some random stranger on the street and offering him illegal drugs might set her up for something.
Then all I hear about is how hungry she is and how she waited for me staring at a McDonalds for 2 hours and she hasn't eaten for 2 days. I bought her some food at the liquor store and then after we on the road - she wants me to stop at a gas station - I ask her why and she said so she could by cigarettes - I told her I wouldn't buy them for her and she said she had money for a pack. So she has money for a pack of cigarettes but not for food or the bus?!?!
Arggh now I feel like an absolute idiot for getting her. I enabled her behavior. So now I am going to try to be more strong and not rescue her even if I think she is in a dangerous situation.
Being a mom is sooo tough some times.
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