Seeing through the Words to the Reason

So often when raising a child that has had early childhood trauma, they learn from a very young age to cover their reasons with words, usually angry and hurtful words.  This is so they can distract you from seeing their true reasons that often would show what they feel is weakness.  Angry, nasty and hurtful words so often cover up a hurt and scared child.  My daughter is so good at this.  She can often distract me from the real reason and push my buttons so I cannot see through her words.  The last several days I have had a barrage of phone calls and police visits all over an iPod Touch.  (Quick back story - around Christmas of 2010 the group home my daughter was at was going to buy her an iPod Touch.  I was still trying to work with my daughter to get her capable of coming home and so I insisted I buy an iPod Touch because otherwise she would hold it over me as a reason that other people loved her and not me.  Well I bought it and by the time Christmas came around she had been kicked out of that group home and moved to a higher level group home where she could not have an iPod Touch.  We tried to use it as incentive to work on her behaviors, to have something to look forward to on her home visits, but despite her insistence that it is the only thing she cares about, it didn't help.)  So now she has been kicked out of another high level group home and no other group homes in California will take her.  The court has found a wonderful placement in another state where again iPod Touches are not allowed.  While we are waiting on the final hearings she has been placed in a lower level group home where another child has an iPod Touch.

On the surface it really looks like my daughter wants to show the other girl she has an iPod Touch too. She called the police on me saying I stole it last week from her.  I proved that false.  She has had other staff members call me and tell me she needs it and she constantly calls me and her social worker saying she should have it.  The stress, phone calls and arguments are enough for me to ALMOST say - fine take it.  I almost did but then I looked through the words to the reason(s).

Yesterday, I was just about to say fine - you can have it - you destroy or lose it or your other MP3 - it is not my fault!  And then just as about to say that, I had a tightening in the pit of my stomach. As she screamed and yelled and cried I suddenly was able to "see" or "hear" through all of the petty arguments to what was deeper.  She is scared.  She knows she will be going several states away to a place where she will not be part of the regular community.  She will no longer be in public school, she will no longer be in charge.  I realized she was trying to get the iPod Touch so she could try to find a way out - using Facebook and MySpace and the internet, she figured she could find someone - anyone who would take her in so she wouldn't have to go to a place she has no control.

I can see through her words - her reasoning does make sense when you know her history.  Her first 4 and a half years was spent being controlled in horrible ways by adults.  Those who were supposed to protect her and love her instead abused her.  Her way of surviving was through controlling the few things she could in her own life.  At a young age she learned to push adults buttons so they would explode when she was ready for it and she could get food when they felt sorry they lost it on her.  She learned to manipulate and control every thing around her in order to feel safe.  At dinner while I would be pouring milk for her she would tell me "I want milk so pour it in my glass and do not spill."  I was not allowed to brush her hair or put it up.  I was never allowed to do maternal things with her for that took her control away.  Losing control scares her.  She is scared that she will not be able to set things up for me to run to her at a moment's notice when she wants to know I am here for her.  She is scared that if this place is setup to work with kids like her that she will end up with adults that cannot be manipulated and instead they will be in control and in her mind that makes her unsafe.

Up until now she has figured out ways of getting out of the consequences because that means she is controlling the game.  To serve a consequence in her mind is to lose control and let someone else control her and again in her mind that is dangerous and unsafe because in her past it was.  She is bargaining and begging and trying every avenue she can.  It breaks my heart.  So in an instant I went from being really annoyed at her tactics and all of the drama over an iPod Touch to suddenly feeling so sad that her early child hood has caused her brain to not allow others to help her or her to help herself.  He brain function almost completely on fight and flight because she is always hyper scared.  Of course she will deny this to the core because in her mind to admit fear would be to lose control.

So all I could do is to tell her I love her, that I will be coming for visits, that she can work her way back home but right now she needs a place that will keep her safe.  I told her I and our whole family love her and will be here for her, but she needs to give this place a chance.  Then she said she would kill herself and hung up.

I waited 10 minutes and called the staff at the group home and told them I was really worried about her because she is truly upset and scared.  I told them to call me if she runs away or tries anything dangerous and then I called her social worker who said she will continue to work to get her moved as soon as possible.  The social worker asked if the iPod Touch would help her calm down and I explained how I saw through the words to the reason - she is scared and she sees the iPod Touch and internet access as her way to gain control and find a place to go to hide so we cannot take her to her placement.  She said she is glad I saw through her words and her arguments because if she ends up on the streets that would be really dangerous and we would lose our chance to try to help her.

So often people talk about things topically but we need to look through the words to the reason they are talking about or covering things over.  We talk about weather to break the ice - really that is because we may be anxious or nervous about our meeting and what is ok to say to the person.  So often couples fight about something that is not really even the issue.

Sometimes we need to take a deep breath and close our eyes and see and hear through the words to the real reason behind what is being said.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Mabon\Fall Equinox

Waiting....

Lughnasadh 2017