Today is THAT Day...
Yup THAT Day that every year I dread so much. THAT day that the media talks about for at least a month in advance. THAT day for not only what happened to us as a nation 11 years ago but THAT day for what happened to my family 8 years ago. Today is THAT Day.
I wrote this two years ago and updated last year and again for this year because a lot of it feels so much the same:
"Time heals all wounds" I am beginning to doubt that. Maybe in decades or centuries but why are my feeling so raw....
So for the 2 to 3 months - I braced for it - thought about what the kids would need to do and how I could help them and here I am alone in my office - my son trying to handle school and my daughter in her out of state placement. I just got off the phone with her therapist - she superficially cut herself - they therapist and I agree it was attention seeking behavior. She has already shown her negative behaviors there and she has only been there since Thursday evening. Maybe this date made her less able to hold her negative behaviors back? If so that would be a good thing since the first several weeks is usually her trying to show only positives to get out earlier because nothing is "wrong". I have a heaviness in my heart but I am not a blubbering mess yet - I do feel like I could cry but not as bad as last year.
11 years ago despite being on the west coast - I watched the 2nd plane crash into the tower - For my generation it is one of 2 things most of us knew exactly where we were - and both were televised and we were watching live - 1. The Space Shuttle exploding - most of us were in school watching the live feed because a teacher was on board - and then years later 9/11.
I was at work - since I started very early - several people just coming in yelled to us that a plane had crashed into the one of the towers in NY - we went to the tv and glued to it as we saw the pain and the fear of those thousands of miles away - then suddenly we saw it - the 2nd plane crash. We all started crying, screaming, praying and chanting - holding each other and we were thousands of miles away from this horror. I remember those horrible feelings still today and those images and moments are still etched in my brain - engineers, managers, shipping people, admins - all of us - different faiths, colors, cultures held each other and then for the rest of the day walked by each other with occasional touches and all of us would jump since we worked by Moffet Field and despite the airspace ban - they were running military plans - we all worried we might be next too.
11 years and not only is the pain I feel still strong despite not knowing anyone who died or suffered - and I watch the news and it seams instead of healing we have all pulled farther apart. Issues of where a Mosque is to be built - even though many Muslims also died and that tragedy did not choose whos lives they would take based on what God you believed in. Yes extremist crashed planes and killed people. But in the Oklahoma bombing an extremist from the US who claims to be Christian also blew up a building and people of all faiths died. In my never to be humble opinion - anyone who would plan or carry out such a horrible plot to kill random people is an extremist no matter what faith they are and we should disregard their faith as to what let to it and instead see them as extremists.
How much healing has been done - I am sure lots but I still watch our country and our world hurt and the pain people feel is being often being turned around and causing others pain. When will time heal all wounds?
Now comes the personal part - 8 years ago today - yup - same damn day - my best friend - my first husband and my children's father - jumped into the backyard above ground pool and broke his neck. Similar to 9/11 - in an instant - everything changed and life would never be the same.
For me more vividly than watching 9/11 happen - I still remember even more vividly the phone calls that there had been an accident and that I needed to get my kids. The amazingly protective bear hug my kids were getting from a woman who that moment was a stranger to me and would quickly become my best friend - my brother who is a police officer starting to cry - the kids in their swimsuits - and most of all the hole in my gut and heart. Yes we have all gone on with our lives but damn it still hurts so very much. I still want to scream IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!! And I swear no matter how far I have moved with my life I still feel that gapping hole. And here I am worried about how the kids will handle it and what I can do to help them and the truth is sometimes I feel like such a liar saying that things will hurt less some day.
I am not sure if the day to day hurt is really less or is it just that I stuff it to the side - is the pain I feel on a day like this really this bad because I haven't healed much or is it that I allow myself to feel what I push deep inside the rest of the year? I don't know - all I know though is it still hurts.
I miss my best friend - while we still are friends and we get along - it is not like it used to be. And the kids lost their active father. My daughter never gained back her trust - I wonder if she will ever heal enough from this to form relationships although today she seemed to take a painful step forward. Maybe it just takes more time... I guess we will have to see.
Until then we will keep breathing, living, loving and learning ....
I wrote this two years ago and updated last year and again for this year because a lot of it feels so much the same:
"Time heals all wounds" I am beginning to doubt that. Maybe in decades or centuries but why are my feeling so raw....
So for the 2 to 3 months - I braced for it - thought about what the kids would need to do and how I could help them and here I am alone in my office - my son trying to handle school and my daughter in her out of state placement. I just got off the phone with her therapist - she superficially cut herself - they therapist and I agree it was attention seeking behavior. She has already shown her negative behaviors there and she has only been there since Thursday evening. Maybe this date made her less able to hold her negative behaviors back? If so that would be a good thing since the first several weeks is usually her trying to show only positives to get out earlier because nothing is "wrong". I have a heaviness in my heart but I am not a blubbering mess yet - I do feel like I could cry but not as bad as last year.
11 years ago despite being on the west coast - I watched the 2nd plane crash into the tower - For my generation it is one of 2 things most of us knew exactly where we were - and both were televised and we were watching live - 1. The Space Shuttle exploding - most of us were in school watching the live feed because a teacher was on board - and then years later 9/11.
I was at work - since I started very early - several people just coming in yelled to us that a plane had crashed into the one of the towers in NY - we went to the tv and glued to it as we saw the pain and the fear of those thousands of miles away - then suddenly we saw it - the 2nd plane crash. We all started crying, screaming, praying and chanting - holding each other and we were thousands of miles away from this horror. I remember those horrible feelings still today and those images and moments are still etched in my brain - engineers, managers, shipping people, admins - all of us - different faiths, colors, cultures held each other and then for the rest of the day walked by each other with occasional touches and all of us would jump since we worked by Moffet Field and despite the airspace ban - they were running military plans - we all worried we might be next too.
11 years and not only is the pain I feel still strong despite not knowing anyone who died or suffered - and I watch the news and it seams instead of healing we have all pulled farther apart. Issues of where a Mosque is to be built - even though many Muslims also died and that tragedy did not choose whos lives they would take based on what God you believed in. Yes extremist crashed planes and killed people. But in the Oklahoma bombing an extremist from the US who claims to be Christian also blew up a building and people of all faiths died. In my never to be humble opinion - anyone who would plan or carry out such a horrible plot to kill random people is an extremist no matter what faith they are and we should disregard their faith as to what let to it and instead see them as extremists.
How much healing has been done - I am sure lots but I still watch our country and our world hurt and the pain people feel is being often being turned around and causing others pain. When will time heal all wounds?
Now comes the personal part - 8 years ago today - yup - same damn day - my best friend - my first husband and my children's father - jumped into the backyard above ground pool and broke his neck. Similar to 9/11 - in an instant - everything changed and life would never be the same.
For me more vividly than watching 9/11 happen - I still remember even more vividly the phone calls that there had been an accident and that I needed to get my kids. The amazingly protective bear hug my kids were getting from a woman who that moment was a stranger to me and would quickly become my best friend - my brother who is a police officer starting to cry - the kids in their swimsuits - and most of all the hole in my gut and heart. Yes we have all gone on with our lives but damn it still hurts so very much. I still want to scream IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!! And I swear no matter how far I have moved with my life I still feel that gapping hole. And here I am worried about how the kids will handle it and what I can do to help them and the truth is sometimes I feel like such a liar saying that things will hurt less some day.
I am not sure if the day to day hurt is really less or is it just that I stuff it to the side - is the pain I feel on a day like this really this bad because I haven't healed much or is it that I allow myself to feel what I push deep inside the rest of the year? I don't know - all I know though is it still hurts.
I miss my best friend - while we still are friends and we get along - it is not like it used to be. And the kids lost their active father. My daughter never gained back her trust - I wonder if she will ever heal enough from this to form relationships although today she seemed to take a painful step forward. Maybe it just takes more time... I guess we will have to see.
Until then we will keep breathing, living, loving and learning ....
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