Congratulations it's a .......!
"Congratulations, it's a girl!" announced a nurse 52 years ago today. When the nurse asked the 15 year old girl what the name would be - she stumbled over her words and said she thought the baby was a boy and hadn't picked out a name. She finally created a name based on someone the nurse knew and the doctor's name.
As that "baby girl" started to grow into a "little girl" she insisted she was a boy. She ripped off her girl clothes and pretended to be her grandfather shaving. She never felt comfortable in her body and as puberty started she became even more frustrated, depressed and upset that she didn't turn into a boy. She grew up like a lot of kids - going to school and trying to fit in. Home life sucked as often does when a teen mom tries to raise a child on her own.
At one point the girl, now a young lady comes out and says she is a lesbian. She tried to fit in that way but still she was often taken to be a male just by looking at her. Many times she was questions as to why she was in the women's restroom. Finally at age 40 - depressed and dejected, she was to the point where she felt like she either needed to die or to transition to being male. The thought of a female name on her headstone tormented her so she decided to transition.
The transition was not easy. But it felt more right than how life had been before. Family questioned but eventually accepted the transition. When (now he) told his mom, she asked what name and he told her the name she had picked when she thought she was having a baby boy. This man is now my husband. I have been in his life for nearly 6 years. I have watched birthdays come and go and him be tormented that the words the nurse did not say were "Congratulations, it's a boy!"
Last year the day before his 51st birthday, we went to a surgeon for a consultation. His birthday wasn't as depressing because we booked his surgery date. This year I have no idea how good or bad his birthday is because he is still in the middle of his surgeries. He is uncomfortable and many things did not go like we planned. Some days he just wishes he could just give up and other days he starts feeling more positive. Neither of us thought it would be as long and painful of a process - one that will go on for several more months before his next surgery and then healing and then waiting and then more surgery. The process of the immediate surgeries will probably take nearly a year and then there most likely be more surgeries over the next couple of years - if he continues to move forward.
It breaks my heart that something so many of us take for granted - having our brains and bodies match in sexual identity - he does not get to have. He gets closer but he will never quite be there.
I hope our love and simple celebration of his life will make him smile. I hope he knows - really knows that we love him so much and I hope it can ease the torment he feels internally all of the time. I hope this year, this birthday he can not fall into a deep depression and feel like he would be better off dead because I know WE would not be better off if he was not on this planet.
I am impressed that he has survived these 52 years with that internal torment and frustration. He is a strong man and a wonderful father. He is a wonderful husband, caring best friend and an amazing lover. I have never felt so loved and supported in my life. I hope he can see he means so much to us and can for a moment push the other things aside and celebrate his life the way we see it.
My wish for him this year is for him to see himself as the man, husband, father, friend, lover and human being that he is and that we are all blessed to have him here in our loves and celebrate who he is to us!
So to my hubby, "Congratulations, it's a boy, who has grown up to be a wonderful husband and father!"
As that "baby girl" started to grow into a "little girl" she insisted she was a boy. She ripped off her girl clothes and pretended to be her grandfather shaving. She never felt comfortable in her body and as puberty started she became even more frustrated, depressed and upset that she didn't turn into a boy. She grew up like a lot of kids - going to school and trying to fit in. Home life sucked as often does when a teen mom tries to raise a child on her own.
At one point the girl, now a young lady comes out and says she is a lesbian. She tried to fit in that way but still she was often taken to be a male just by looking at her. Many times she was questions as to why she was in the women's restroom. Finally at age 40 - depressed and dejected, she was to the point where she felt like she either needed to die or to transition to being male. The thought of a female name on her headstone tormented her so she decided to transition.
The transition was not easy. But it felt more right than how life had been before. Family questioned but eventually accepted the transition. When (now he) told his mom, she asked what name and he told her the name she had picked when she thought she was having a baby boy. This man is now my husband. I have been in his life for nearly 6 years. I have watched birthdays come and go and him be tormented that the words the nurse did not say were "Congratulations, it's a boy!"
Last year the day before his 51st birthday, we went to a surgeon for a consultation. His birthday wasn't as depressing because we booked his surgery date. This year I have no idea how good or bad his birthday is because he is still in the middle of his surgeries. He is uncomfortable and many things did not go like we planned. Some days he just wishes he could just give up and other days he starts feeling more positive. Neither of us thought it would be as long and painful of a process - one that will go on for several more months before his next surgery and then healing and then waiting and then more surgery. The process of the immediate surgeries will probably take nearly a year and then there most likely be more surgeries over the next couple of years - if he continues to move forward.
It breaks my heart that something so many of us take for granted - having our brains and bodies match in sexual identity - he does not get to have. He gets closer but he will never quite be there.
I hope our love and simple celebration of his life will make him smile. I hope he knows - really knows that we love him so much and I hope it can ease the torment he feels internally all of the time. I hope this year, this birthday he can not fall into a deep depression and feel like he would be better off dead because I know WE would not be better off if he was not on this planet.
I am impressed that he has survived these 52 years with that internal torment and frustration. He is a strong man and a wonderful father. He is a wonderful husband, caring best friend and an amazing lover. I have never felt so loved and supported in my life. I hope he can see he means so much to us and can for a moment push the other things aside and celebrate his life the way we see it.
My wish for him this year is for him to see himself as the man, husband, father, friend, lover and human being that he is and that we are all blessed to have him here in our loves and celebrate who he is to us!
So to my hubby, "Congratulations, it's a boy, who has grown up to be a wonderful husband and father!"
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