Learning to Accept, Enjoy and Love the Child We Have
This post comes from many different sources. Just over 11 years ago I was working with a great therapist to help my daughter. I had a love hate relationship with this therapist. This is when I first learned that REAL therapy - the kind that you work on yourself and your deep problems - is uncomfortable, hard and sometimes even painful. If you can journey through that with a mind at least partially open you will like the end result.
My daughter came to us December of 2000. She is a wild child and nothing like I had ever seen or experienced before. Her therapist she was seeing at the time, just didn't seem to understand how serious the problems were because when we went into therapy with her, my daughter was sweet and caring and said and did all the right things. The therapist must of thought we were crazy as we discussed the behaviors we saw at home and our daughter we look innocently up at us and say we were either lying or that she was so sorry it was a mistake and our daughter could make the Grand Canyon look like a line drawn in the sand. The therapist constantly worked with us trying to tell us how to parent and that we just didn't understand kids that age (our son was only 7 months older??).
By July of 2001 we found the therapist that would challenge me and my daughter. I knew my daughter needed therapy, but I did not believe I did too. The therapist basically told me he would not work with my daughter unless I was also working with him - since I knew he understood my daughter's issues, I agreed. What he worked on me most was learning to love my daughter unconditionally for who she is and not the dream I had of adopting a little girl. This meant I had to grieve for my dream daughter and truly accept my daughter for who she is.
This has been a hard and common theme the past 11 years as I raised my daughter. Right now - again I am having to do this with my daughter as I watched her spiral out of control and now live out of state in a therapeutic specialized treatment center.
I am very glad that on August 14th I went to a meeting and although it was very Christian, just having a spiritual component shared with other parents in the same situation was helpful. A few bible verses were actually very helpful:
"...Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness" James 1:1 - This reminded me to stick to my faith that if my path is being taken in a direction that feels right even if it is hard - I need to stick to it.
"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me," Matthew 18:5 - We all laughed at this one - we joked about what was meant by one "SUCH" child - in this group, all of the parents have "SUCH" child and we all took time to discuss the positives of being challenged with one "SUCH" child. I have become a better person because of my daughter. Raising her challenged me to learn unconditional love, see the problems in the world with open eyes, and learn to advocate for those who fall through the cracks. Because of the path I have taken to raise her - I went back to school and got my BA and my MA to become a therapist to help others. I like who I am and continue to become and a huge part of that is because of my daughter.
It was so nice to be comforted by others in similar situations as mine while I was undergoing yet again another grieving process as I continually learn to accept my daughter for who she is and not based on my hopes and dreams for her.
The next day, a blog that I love reading had a wonderful post that felt again like a hug as I read it - to me it was obvious that the Goddess was not going to let me be alone while I struggled with my feelings - she kept leading me to the same message over and over so I would not feel alone.
This week has been painful, cathartic, emotional, and just plain hard. The past 2 months my daughter has been in lower level placements (less supervision) because she was awaiting to go out of state. Delays in the court system made 1 week turn to more than 8. Add to that a psychiatrist that after just a few minutes meeting with my daughter, removed her from strong medications she had been on for over 4 years and when I called and advocated she go back on them because I DO KNOW my daughter, he had the nerve to tell me that he did not feel comfortable putting her back on the medications since he was only to see her that one time. I question why he felt comfortable removing her from strong anti-psychotic medications when he would only see her ONE time.
I warned him and the county and workers what would happen. I had rather mixed emotions when everything I warned them about came true. Part of me felt vindicated that I really still do know my daughter and how serious her problems were. Another part of me was heart broken because this means my daughter is not going to magically get any better and she still has serious mental health issues. Another part of me was just so very angry that I gave custody of my daughter to a system that does not protect my daughter - even from herself.
I struggled with all that she did and how she behaved. I had to keep reminding myself, this was not my daughter's fault or my daughter's choices - removing her medications made her like this. While she is 16 and a half and seemly can make thoughtful and logical choices, I have to remember her emotional brain is a combination of a 16 and a half year old girl and a three year old hurt child.
Thursday, she made it to court. In the hearing the judge granted the request from CPS to send her out of state. My daughter told the judge how changed she was - the judge almost believed her until I had my attorney point out that she had run away on Sunday (this was only Thursday), gotten kicked out of the group home on Monday and on Tuesday left the new group home for almost an hour to smoke pot that she had on her. My daughter confessed to everything but the pot which she said she lost. The judge then with confidence said he did not want her to miss her flight. When her attorney tried to insist that February's court date require my daughter's presence, the judge said only if the center she was at agreed it was ok, and he would not require it.
My daughter was angry as we went to get her stuff so she could leave to the airport. She said how much she hated me and even hit me. I know she has severe emotional problems at that underneath it all she is afraid of having a large distance between us. Even though she rarely ever is able to be nice or even decent to me and around me, I know she does love me and I know that even while she has been out of my care, knowing and testing that I could be there within a couple of hours allowed her to feel connected to me. Now that will not be able to happen.
I heard from her yesterday. She hates it there. Blames me for all of her problem and the reason that she is there. I struggle with letting the dream of her ever coming home to me go. 17 months until she turns 18, this is usually an 18 month program with severe cases like hers. I hurt to know the damage done by her birth mother has caused deep triggers towards any mother figures which in turn cause her mental illness to go out of control. I probably will never get to pick out a dress so she can go to a prom, take her for her senior pictures, send out graduation announcements or watch her graduate from high school. As much as I have tried the entire time to love her for who she she is and not my dreams, I find I did still have dreams that I must now grieve and try to work again with my daughter as she is so I can love and support her the way she needs me to.
I love her sooo much. I hope this place will help her heal as much as she can and I hope to find a new way to be part of her life.
My daughter came to us December of 2000. She is a wild child and nothing like I had ever seen or experienced before. Her therapist she was seeing at the time, just didn't seem to understand how serious the problems were because when we went into therapy with her, my daughter was sweet and caring and said and did all the right things. The therapist must of thought we were crazy as we discussed the behaviors we saw at home and our daughter we look innocently up at us and say we were either lying or that she was so sorry it was a mistake and our daughter could make the Grand Canyon look like a line drawn in the sand. The therapist constantly worked with us trying to tell us how to parent and that we just didn't understand kids that age (our son was only 7 months older??).
By July of 2001 we found the therapist that would challenge me and my daughter. I knew my daughter needed therapy, but I did not believe I did too. The therapist basically told me he would not work with my daughter unless I was also working with him - since I knew he understood my daughter's issues, I agreed. What he worked on me most was learning to love my daughter unconditionally for who she is and not the dream I had of adopting a little girl. This meant I had to grieve for my dream daughter and truly accept my daughter for who she is.
This has been a hard and common theme the past 11 years as I raised my daughter. Right now - again I am having to do this with my daughter as I watched her spiral out of control and now live out of state in a therapeutic specialized treatment center.
I am very glad that on August 14th I went to a meeting and although it was very Christian, just having a spiritual component shared with other parents in the same situation was helpful. A few bible verses were actually very helpful:
"...Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness" James 1:1 - This reminded me to stick to my faith that if my path is being taken in a direction that feels right even if it is hard - I need to stick to it.
"Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me," Matthew 18:5 - We all laughed at this one - we joked about what was meant by one "SUCH" child - in this group, all of the parents have "SUCH" child and we all took time to discuss the positives of being challenged with one "SUCH" child. I have become a better person because of my daughter. Raising her challenged me to learn unconditional love, see the problems in the world with open eyes, and learn to advocate for those who fall through the cracks. Because of the path I have taken to raise her - I went back to school and got my BA and my MA to become a therapist to help others. I like who I am and continue to become and a huge part of that is because of my daughter.
It was so nice to be comforted by others in similar situations as mine while I was undergoing yet again another grieving process as I continually learn to accept my daughter for who she is and not based on my hopes and dreams for her.
The next day, a blog that I love reading had a wonderful post that felt again like a hug as I read it - to me it was obvious that the Goddess was not going to let me be alone while I struggled with my feelings - she kept leading me to the same message over and over so I would not feel alone.
This week has been painful, cathartic, emotional, and just plain hard. The past 2 months my daughter has been in lower level placements (less supervision) because she was awaiting to go out of state. Delays in the court system made 1 week turn to more than 8. Add to that a psychiatrist that after just a few minutes meeting with my daughter, removed her from strong medications she had been on for over 4 years and when I called and advocated she go back on them because I DO KNOW my daughter, he had the nerve to tell me that he did not feel comfortable putting her back on the medications since he was only to see her that one time. I question why he felt comfortable removing her from strong anti-psychotic medications when he would only see her ONE time.
I warned him and the county and workers what would happen. I had rather mixed emotions when everything I warned them about came true. Part of me felt vindicated that I really still do know my daughter and how serious her problems were. Another part of me was heart broken because this means my daughter is not going to magically get any better and she still has serious mental health issues. Another part of me was just so very angry that I gave custody of my daughter to a system that does not protect my daughter - even from herself.
I struggled with all that she did and how she behaved. I had to keep reminding myself, this was not my daughter's fault or my daughter's choices - removing her medications made her like this. While she is 16 and a half and seemly can make thoughtful and logical choices, I have to remember her emotional brain is a combination of a 16 and a half year old girl and a three year old hurt child.
Thursday, she made it to court. In the hearing the judge granted the request from CPS to send her out of state. My daughter told the judge how changed she was - the judge almost believed her until I had my attorney point out that she had run away on Sunday (this was only Thursday), gotten kicked out of the group home on Monday and on Tuesday left the new group home for almost an hour to smoke pot that she had on her. My daughter confessed to everything but the pot which she said she lost. The judge then with confidence said he did not want her to miss her flight. When her attorney tried to insist that February's court date require my daughter's presence, the judge said only if the center she was at agreed it was ok, and he would not require it.
My daughter was angry as we went to get her stuff so she could leave to the airport. She said how much she hated me and even hit me. I know she has severe emotional problems at that underneath it all she is afraid of having a large distance between us. Even though she rarely ever is able to be nice or even decent to me and around me, I know she does love me and I know that even while she has been out of my care, knowing and testing that I could be there within a couple of hours allowed her to feel connected to me. Now that will not be able to happen.
I heard from her yesterday. She hates it there. Blames me for all of her problem and the reason that she is there. I struggle with letting the dream of her ever coming home to me go. 17 months until she turns 18, this is usually an 18 month program with severe cases like hers. I hurt to know the damage done by her birth mother has caused deep triggers towards any mother figures which in turn cause her mental illness to go out of control. I probably will never get to pick out a dress so she can go to a prom, take her for her senior pictures, send out graduation announcements or watch her graduate from high school. As much as I have tried the entire time to love her for who she she is and not my dreams, I find I did still have dreams that I must now grieve and try to work again with my daughter as she is so I can love and support her the way she needs me to.
I love her sooo much. I hope this place will help her heal as much as she can and I hope to find a new way to be part of her life.
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