Lady Heather's Domain: My life in a Nutshell

Today's lesson on victimization is actually a reminder as I have accomplished most of this 6 years ago when I realized that I am the one in control of my life and when I blame someone else, I am choosing to be the victim.  This is why I went back to school after realizing that in reality if I hadn't been paralyzed with fear of the unknown and failure I would not have blamed anyone else and I would have gone back to school if I had wanted to.  It was easier to blame someone and say that was why I wasn't challenging myself.  Since I changed my belief of being a victim, I have gotten my BA and my MA and started my new career. I am no longer angry at anyone, I have forgiven all who have wronged me and it feels so freeing. I am happy about where I am in life and regret nothing for I am happy that I am who I am where I am so to regret anything would mean I would want to change who I am.

"It is not a matter of destroying or getting rid of my fear, but of understanding it's true nature and of seeing fear as less powerful than love.  Fear is an illusion that keeps me stuck. Today I love life, I accept my fears, I move forward anyway." My biggest fear at this point is not being successful in my new career but that isn't even a very big fear because I feel hopeful and know I can do it.  I used to be afraid of failing everything I do but I no longer feel that fear - I feel so much more free and "brave".  I know that fear for me is the discomfort of not knowing the future - fear of the unknown.

Throughout the day today, I would find a quiet place and time to sit for 5 to 10 minutes - usually outside - to connect with the Goddess and my beliefs.  I would sit and feel grounded and feel inside of me the connection to all around me and I would find that spot of peace and light within  - knowing I was one with the Goddess.  I am how the Goddess and God made me.  I am following the path that they light before me but even when I have strayed they have accepted me and loved me for I am simply learning as I find my way. I needed this day to re-connect.  I have so often disconnected and stayed logical and tried to control everything but really I know in my heart it is when I am connected and feel the energy of the universe flowing through me that I am able to move forward.  Spirituality is such a big part of my life and yet I so often put it aside.  Today reminded me how important it is to stay connected.

Today is easy for me - smiling.  When I went to the retreat Jules actually made the comment that she always saw me smiling.  Which made me smile even more.  I love to smile.  A long time ago, I was having an absolutely horrible day and a nice older man smiled at me, bowed a little and it meant so much to me that day.  I felt obligated to smile back and what do you know by the time I got home to the chaos I was much calmer and happier.  I was then able to deal with my kids better and my husband most likely enjoyed having a wife in a good mood rather than one that was bitching at the kids and at him.  I have always remembered that day and even if I don't feel like smiling I will try to smile for everyone I meet because so often that smile puts me in a better mood too. Today I smiled a lot because I had my first client and it went well and I am finally earning hours towards my license again.  My dreams really are coming true.  The fact that th...

I have gotten off track.  I have been making excuses why I am not taking care of myself but really there is no excuse.  While I have been doing better emotionally and moving forward in my new career - I started to let my health and my fitness slip.  So tonight I reconnected with my fitness buddies and they are holding me accountable to go grocery shopping for healthy food and go for my walk. I struggle to find a balance but I know I can I just have to not make excuses on why I am not taking care of myself.

Today is the Full Storm Moon.  Storms are often brewing in the weather and in our lives.  This moon is at the end of February or in March and before the Vernal Equinox.  The weather is violently vacillating between winter and spring.  Often we are dealing with the same in our own emotional realm.  We are struggling between still being in our dark realm of self-reflection and starting to come out and be part of a community.  We struggle to make room for others in our plans or seeing how our plans affect others.  This year I struggle with being good to myself and doing my walks and taking care of myself health wise and fostering my new business and learning how to reconnect with others.  I am finding I do not have the energy and time to fully do both so I am working to find the "happy medium" and feel kind of stormy as I struggle to find my way.

What changes have already taken place in me? I have become so much calmer and able to ground myself much easier than I ever have.  I am also more sure of myself, more willing to make changes and take risks.  And most importantly I am feeling worthy of good things and being loved. What changes am I working towards? I am working towards defaulting to calm instead of chaos and negative feelings.  I am working towards stopping the cycle of negative thinking and panic attacks which then create more negative thoughts until I am stuck. What short phrase can I use to stay calm even in times of stress? "with each breath I will calm myself" If I stopped telling myself all that is wrong, what would I tell myself about all that is right? I will handle this, I can do it, I have handled everything I have been given - this is no different.

Today I am feeling less chaotic and dysregulated than I was yesterday because of court and stress.  I need to continue to work on being peaceful even when I am stressed out.  Today despite several stressful events, I took time including time in the car before and after driving, to just close my eyes and find peace before I started on the next thing I had to do.  I think I would have done better yesterday if I could have done that more often. I need to get back to walking as soon as I feel better as I found the walks to help me find peace.

Things that make me feel valued:  Positive feedback from others Love from my husband Love from my children and occasional thank yous. small acknowledgements that I am doing things that others like. After pondering quietly on how I would find value if the above was gone I am worthy and valued because I love to learn and teach and it gives ME satisfaction. Valuing myself by taking care of my self in turn makes me feel valued. Enjoying the beauty of the day makes me feel part of this world and valued to still be here.

Today I have been working on letting it go - it being when someone disagrees with me even if I think I am right. Today has not been too bad - I noticed on most things I do not even feel like I have to be right as my relationship with the person has always been more important than being right or feeling like they need to understand totally my point of view.  On a few things I find myself defensive - anytime anyone questions my parenting is when I get defensive.  I struggle to prove myself right.  Today when my daughter's therapist disagreed with something, I did get defensive but then suggested we work through it more in therapy and both keep an open mind - but I did not force my belief that I am right on the therapist - just suggested we both keep our minds open during the next therapy session.

Wow!  Halfway through this Quest and I am feeling a lot more peaceful - so I am going to keep going forward. I feel loss about:  losing my daughter to CPS - I still have rights and a connection with her but I feel like I lost her and feel a bit of a failure. the many years I wasted not being who I am and being a victim. my relationship with my ex-husband - I miss him being my best friend. What changes have taken place due to this loss: our family has had to change our dynamics I changed because of the many years of being a victim my relationship with my ex-husband changed. Are there gifts and opportunities in this loss: Yes - my family no longer walks an eggshells and feels more peaceful; my daughter is safe and has opportunities and resources she would not have had if she had stayed in our family. I have learned much in the years I played victim and have been able to see how I am changing now. My relationship is growing more healthy with my ex-husband. Wha...

Today I will continue to forgive and let go of anger and continue to heal.  To hold on to anger will only keep me going in the wrong direction.  I gain freedom if I forgive and move forward and take full responsibility for my position today.

The three Dark Clouds I have hanging over me: Food Addiction Frustration of people who are overly dramatic Lack of good friendships nearby I am continuing to work on the food addiction and to learn to find better ways to handle my negative emotions. I need to continue to be more understanding of people who are overly dramatic and understand they use it as a coping mechanism. I need to actually create real in person relationships so that I have a better support system.  I struggle to feel worthy of having these friendships but I am working towards that.

My addictions: I really have one main addiction - food.  Anytime I hurt, feeling sad, angry, fearful I use food, especially sweet or carb laden food to try to sooth that feeling.  I struggle a lot with that and it is what I am trying to slowly change.  Today everytime I reach for food that is not necessary (ie not eating a meal) I will think of what I am trying to numb, what feelings I am running from, what I would feel if I allowed myself to feel and experience. 

I still struggle to like myself.  I still look to the outside world to confirm I am a good person.  I have been working for several months on learning to like myself and it is hard to do.  I have started with really listening and accepting compliments from others so that I really take in and accept that they like me and I am worthy of that love and positive feeling about me.  I am working on changing my self-talk to be positive about myself and not negative. This is still so very hard.  My default is to feel I am not good enough or need confirmation from others that I am good enough.  I will try to let go of these feeling for today and to move away from needing outside confirmation and to like myself in this moment for who I am.

I am afraid of trusting.  This makes me get angry or frustrated when things do not go my way or I feel out of control because if I feel like I am out of control, I am afraid to trust how things will work out.  I guess simply put I am afraid of the unknown which is why I am afraid of trusting that things will work out or will be ok because then I am out of my comfort zone of knowing what will happen. I have been working on this for sometime and making progress, my anger is now often just frustration or anxiousness and I am trying to learn to go with the flow but it is very hard for me.

The one characteristic I want my children to develop is believing in themselves - I will show that in everything I do today so they might develop that belief within themselves.

Peace Calm Love Joy Desire Attempting Ready Authentic Transforming Evolving My Word: Caring Caring is the beginning of my new story - I am caring - I care.  I care about others, I care about myself.  I am caring enough to be good to myself so I can care for others.

Intentional - I will intentionally focus on what my goals are and intentionally be positive about attaining those goals. Conscious - I consciously will pay attention to all my thoughts and focus on positivity and peace - refocusing from any negative thoughts I have. Purposeful - I am purposefully focused on cuddling with my hubby and forcing all other thoughts and feelings out of my mind except love and safety. 

My mission began towards the end of 2004.  I had been taking Priestess of Place classes and I initiated as a Priestess of Place to the West.  I told the Goddess my mission and path would be to help other families - like mine - that are struggling to deal with early childhood trauma and attachment issues.  Many things have happened along my path and my mission but I have stayed strong and true even at times I wasn't sure it would happen. In April 2011 I received my Masters in Counseling Psychology and now February of 2013 I finally have an internship to basically create my own practice working with families like mine. My full mission and path I believe will lead me to creating a clinic where all aspects of attachment and early childhood trauma are treated and the families supported.  I try to live every day following that path and focusing on my mission.

I have written down "I am awakening the spirit, the light and the truth, within.  In that truth resides the answers to all questions.  I am quiet.  I am calm.  I breathe deeply and with ease.  I am Peace.  I accept life as it touches me today.  I accept my part in this web of life.  I am creating thoughts and feelings of Peace in this moment, creating all future moments in my day.  I am moving toward Peace.  I am moving away from all negative energy and relationships tht detract from Peace.  My spirit shines forth with Peace and with joy! Others are attracted to me by my pure love and internal Peace." and will take the paper with me and will continue to read it constantly until it becomes my habitual thoughts.

People have often commented on how often I smile - even at the retreat people noticed I smile a lot.  It was something I learned a long time ago way back when I was in elementary school.  There were popular girls and I was not one of them.  After I was put down and nearly in tears by them, one of my favorite teachers asked me if I could show her my beautiful smile.  Even though I didn't feel like it - I did.  Well I realized a lot of the sadness and hurt went away and my thoughts focused on more positive things.  Even today reading the passage I was upset and stressed about some things and when the book said to smile - I did and amazingly I felt a lot better.  I also learned at one of my first technical support jobs that the customer can "hear" your smile.  They even gave us a mirror to remember to smile so the customer would "hear" it.  But it is true since if you are in a bad mood and you smile a real smile, you suddenly are not in that s...

Today I faced some of my negative thoughts - those thoughts of if others think I am a bad mother than I am and that I cannot do things that I have dreamed of doing and I worked on telling myself the positive thoughts that I am a good mother no matter what other people think and that I am going to make my dreams come true.

"I am open now in this moment, to the possibility of learning something about myself.  I can bring my focus back to me.  I may be feeling resistant to experiences the emotion and life not being the way I want it to be." So I have 3 different strong emotions I am dealing with and I thought I would explore each of them. Emotion #1 - frustrated, mad, pissed off at my daughter for her recent behavior. Exploring this emotion I actually find that I am really hurt emotionally that she rejected me and put me down and upset at myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable and to get hurt.  Really I am not upset with her, but myself and hurt that she still struggles to accept my love and when she struggles she rejects.  What can I learn from this - well I know I have to keep putting myself out there able to be hurt in order to help my daughter to learn to love, but I need to remember the expectations of her rejecting me that way I will not over react when she does.  I ...

"We will see" - Luckily I didn't have very many stressful, overwhelming or negative experiences today - although a few of my friends did and I reminded them to take a step back and to wait and see a bit before going into panic mode. There were a couple of times that I did use it though.  I was doing my walk when my foot started hurting - felt like a blister.  Instead of focusing on the pain, I just told myself that we will see when I get back to the house what the problem was.  I did and realized the blister was getting worse and then without being frustrated or upset went inside and did other things.  I did not let it get me down - I focused on the fact I had walked 2 miles instead of the fact I was a mile short of where I wanted and probably won't be able to walk tomorrow (we will see). I have to go to court for my daughter on Thursday and some things came up today and instead of starting to stress or panic, I know there is nothing I can do - so I chose to say ...

I have had many tough places\times in my life but right now I am not in a tough place emotionally or physically.  Financially I am in a tougher place than I would like but even that has gotten better over the last few days.  I think the only really tough part in my life right now is believing in myself and believing I can make this new career work.  I know that I am just scared both afraid of failure and success.  My hubby is so wonderful when we talk about it because he believes I can do it and that reminds me that I can do it. I am very blessed though that I really am not having a tough time or place - I actually am feeling better about my life than I have in a long while.

My Sacred, knowing voice is telling me not to sabotage things.  I have things I need to do like my walk and spending time with my hubby that my negative voice is giving me excuses but my sacred and knowing voice is telling me I am worth these things and not to make excuses because that will sabotage things.  I need the attention I deserve.  I deserve positive attention both from myself and my hubby.

Today I worked on my awareness.  I thought about my body, my emotions, my thoughts, I tried to be aware of those around me and of myself.  I walked over 5K today and tried to be in the moment, feel how my breathing was, how the music made me feel, how during the walk there seemed to be something I had to push through.  At first I was stiff and I as I walked I found that eventually the stiffness went away.  Then I found certain muscles ached but then I found that as I walked through it, the muscles felt better.  I found at times that I couldn't catch my breath but with awareness and focus I was able to slow it down and breathe more deeply. During the day when I felt stiff or cramped, I would get up and walk around.  I was aware of my hubby and how he seemed to be feeling and noticed his actions and reactions to things I said.  I also noticed at times when I would slip into negative thinking - luckily it was not very often and then I would change tho...

Now it is the time of year when we actually start working on our intentions - we plant the seeds - we start actively spending energy to make our seeds of intent grow. This year is amazing to me - I am so energized. Today I got the keys to my office so I can star being a therapist. So let's see how I am coming along with each of my intents. 1.  To become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. I have been walking a lot  - 22 walks - 30.3 miles - 9:43 hours of walking since the beginning of the calendar year.  I have also signed up for a 5K in April.  I am eating healthier and I am taking better care of myself emotionally. 2.  To focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities. I have been working with my son on time management and he was able to raise his grades - 2 As, 3 Bs and 1 C!  I am positive and supportive and try to help him understand his options. 3.  ...

I am very blessed to have very special, deep and meaningful relationships with those that are around me most often.  I hope to continue to cultivate more of those friendships as I open up and spend more time with more people.