Lady Heather's Domain: My life in a Nutshell

In April, about halfway through the month, the thunderstorms of March are beginning to subside, and the wind picks up which is often why this is called the Wind Moon.  Seeds are being blown about on the breezes, spreading life all around from one place to the next. In fact, this lunar cycle is often known as the Seed Moon. Trees have buds on them, spring daffodils and tulips abound, and the birds are nesting once more. Much like March, this is a time of conception and fertility and new growth. For me, it is just that.  I am starting a lot of new growth.  I have come to peace with my feelings about my daughter and accepting my Parkinson's.  I have found a great program called Rock Steady Boxing that hopefully will help me get to where I want to go.  I will miss the rains and the speed of growth and creation around me, but look forward to working on my seeds of intent and my life.

Since I gave the victim statement to the court for my daughter, I have been slowly working on coming to terms with letting go and allowing myself and my daughter to heal separately.  Then came time to start my annual family newsletter.  Do I just remove her?  That didn't sound right, but what do I do?  Through therapy, I realized I needed to be honest.  I have always been my daughter's PR person so to speak.  Making things sound the best they could so family could see the positive side of her.  I realize that is not my job anymore and I was able to nicely put that she is still struggling and we do not have contact.  I know some will judge but I am finally becoming honest with myself that I have done everything I can and it is now time for both of us to heal on our own.

So this year my seeds of intent were: This year I had 4 seeds in my apple. So this year my seeds of intent are: And for this next year I got 4 seeds of intent and they are going to be: 1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range. While I stumbled a bit, I was able to find out my heart is healthy and I am doing pretty good with my blood work. 2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker. I will be speaking at an event in November and continue to speak at Sacramento State. 3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist. I am learning to take what comes and work with it.  The Goddess is providing a wonderful learning experience with the path she is leading me on. 4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento. I now see it will be harder than I planned, and I know for at least a year or so we need to be here in Sacramento...

The Hunter's Full Moon or Blood Full Moon is the first full moon after Mabon (Autumn Equinox).  The Hunter's Full Moon is named because the full moon give light to hunters tracking their prey before the cold winter settles in.  They are able to stock up on the protein they will need to make it through the winter. In October, we see the Blood Moon travel through the sky. This moon is also called the Shedding Moon or the Falling Leaf Moon, depending on where you live. In many places, it's the Hunter's Moon - it's no coincidence that hunting season is in the late fall. Coming right before Samhain, this is a time when the nights are crisp and clear, and you can sense a change in the energy around you. My daughter will be released from jail really soon.  A new chapter will start where I will not know where she is or what she is doing and that is tough - letting go will be really hard for me.

Today I went to court to give my victim's statement re: my daughter's burglary charge from her burglarizing our home. Below is my statement. There is now a 5 year no contact order in place. I hope she gets her life together.   To my daughter Grace, Nearly 16 years ago you came into my life. I struggled to be the mom that you needed. I know I wasn't perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes. The worst day in my life was when I got the 1:30 am phone call by a man who was torturing you and was going to kill you if I didn't give him the money. 5 hours away, I had never felt so helpless, neither Bakersfield nor Sacramento Sheriff's Department could help me help you. I thought after all of that, things would change, but they didn't. 2 weeks after that horrible night, you broke my heart by breaking into our home. You allowed others to invade our home to party, trash it and steal from us. You stole our car and the credit...

So after nearly 2 years of waiting to testify against the horrible person who raped and tortured my daughter, he was let go.  My daughter could not be found so they dropped the charges.  It worries me and breaks my heart because he will go back onto the same streets my daughter is living on and she is in danger.  I did everything I could to protector but in the end there wasn't anything I could do.  My heart breaks and now I must start moving on.

So Monday the DA in Bakersfield told me that they are trying to get a courtroom so they try next on Thursday.  I feel like this is never ending.  I had to wait through November and December last year and then they decided to dismiss and refile because it had gone on so long and then we had to start all of the beginning stuff again. Hopefully this time it will happen in the next few weeks and this chapter of my life can be over with.  Going on 2 years is a long time.

I have been struggling so much to not let the mean things my daughter says to get to me but it always gets me especially when she basically says I was a horrible mom. I just don't know how to let it go and know that is where she is right now.  Each time she says it I feel like I want to defend my parenting by telling her all I have done.  I just can't do that - it doesn't help.  I need to let go of the hurt and now that that is her perception currently and it may or may not ever change.

So I checked in with the DA re: my the case in Bakersfield when Michael Lenoir hurt my daughter, and the case will move forward.  Sometime in the first couple week of December, I will most likely be called to testify against this nasty horrid person and try to get him locked up for life.  He refused a plea bargain, I hope I can help land him with at least one of the dozen felonies he is charged with so he will have his third strike.  I only say this because he has victimized many and he needs to not be among the rest of the population. What I struggle with is having to deal with this after 18 months, and trying to have empathy and compassion and forgiveness for my daughter while at the same time the other case where my daughter victimized me - that is going on.  I hate emotions like this and I hate to be so torn and raw.  I wish I could really help my daughter and have her get better. So many emotions and chaos and distractions running through my head. ...

On the plus side saying that line "When will it ever end..." reminds me of Monty Python's "Here comes another one" ... makes me feel a little bit better.  But I am still tired of the unending shit my daughter keeps bringing upon us.  Or really that her actions cause consequences to us and not to her for YEARS! So Friday is the readiness hearing for the court case where my daughter was a victim ( The Most Terrifying Night of My Life) And I am just wanting that case to be over with.  And yesterday a detective called regarding my house break in that occurred just 17 days after that incident where my daughter broke into my house with several people, trashed it and stole my other car.  The CSI took fingerprints and DNA samples on June 19-20th 2014 - after that I heard back 2 months later that they would follow up (August 2014) then NOTHING until July of this year - then they said they had a hit on DNA and they were going to check on the fingerprin...

So I am working hard on forgiving myself and my daughter and just letting go.  I love her and always will but there is nothing I can do to make her life better or work to heal her since she has to do that herself. Today a friend shared this link to a post about being a mother of an unattached child. Another friend shared this post about transforming your darkness And GoodTherapy posted this on coping with grief why forgiveness matters so much All on my facebook this AM. I think it is time to just forgive and let go - I have cried and feel a bit different - I am going to keep working on some of this dark and painful emotions and really just work on letting go.

Today I had personal therapy.  I am still working on my issues I have with my daughter.  I think I am slowly being able to let go even though I cannot cut ties or even feel safe, but trying to find calm in the current way of being.  I just wish I knew she was really safe and making good choices.  She is so smart and capable if she wants to move forward I believe she could.

I spent last week at the Gender Odyssey Conference.  It was amazing, humbling and very emotional. I have so many things I am still trying to grasp. My daughter also contacted me while I was at the conference and actually was in a mental health facility trying to remain sober. So spending the day listening to loving and supporting your child no matter what and then talking my daughter and trying to apply the same concepts to my relationship with her.  So much to process. I think I will be adding to this one post for awhile as I process the emotions. I am waiting to hear back from my daughter re: whether he relapse yesterday is going to cause her to get kicked out.  So hard to just let go and yet hold my arms open. ********************** update Tuesday, August 25 2015 - it seems that my daughter has left the facility based on her FB posts. I have decided to try to seek therapy because this is just to much - I need to work through these emotions and I am just a me...

" HI, mom I got outta jail at 4am on Fri morning. I plead guilty to all my charges n only served out the rest of my time n have to complete a year probation sooo basically I'm cleared for all the law shit I have some fines to pay but things in the streets for me ain't lookin good at all most likely I'll end up dead. I love u n would give anything for a hug and for u to tell me u love me I just want to hear my mom's voice in person."   and then: " I love n miss u too you'll be in my heart....always!"  (which is from the Lion King)   my heart breaks - I wish I could really help her but every time I have tried to help her, but it never works out.  I just want my little girl to be safe and happy not be barely surviving on the street.

I know my daughter got out of jail yesterday.  She hasn't called me or popped onto facebook.  I am worried about her and wondering what had happened when she called me to get help for her at that address.  I hope she is making better choices and pray she is going to be ok.  I guess a mother will always be worried.

So my worries about my daughter continued and were proved true.  I still don't know what exactly was going on and who knows if I ever will. 9:30pm I get a phone call but I just missed it.  It was an area code that I figured would be my daughter.  I called the number back and get dead air and then hung up on. Then I get a txt from that number saying can u send   - I txted back asking what do you want me to send.  She sent back NVM (never mind) a few more texts back and forth with her stating nvm and me asking questions - to the question are you ok I got a no back.  10:15pm I get another phone call - it is my daughter she said send help to (and gave the address) and then she hung up. I tried calling PD non-emergency number for that city and got no answer I then called 911 and eventually they transferred me to that city's CHP - they said it would be handled by the Sheriff Dept but then the call dropped. I then called that particular Sheriff Dept's ...

So on Monday my daughter called me - she then disconnected and I couldn't get back in touch with her - she said she would call back - it is now Wednesday and I haven't heard from her and she doesn't seem to have been online.  A mom always worries - I hope she is ok and nothing has happened.  I wish I could not worry as much but I guess it comes with the mom territory.

So this morning my daughter called me.  She said she was just checking in but wanted to talk to me more  I tried to find out what is going on and sh gave me some letters and numbers and hung up.  I feel so suspicious and worried.  I never know if being super suspicious of everything she says or does is a good thing and just being safe or if I should just trust her.  My trust has been broken many times but does that make her worse around me because I don't trust her?  I just don't know.

Everyday I think of her.  Everyday I hope and pray that she will realize the destructive path she is on and ask for help to make changes.  She is smart, creative, stubborn (like her mom), beautiful and always my precious daughter.  I wish I could help her, but every time I do it is just enabling.  I wish I could hold her and keep her safe - but every time I do she hurts me.  She is a beautiful rose with thorns.  My heart aches for my daughter.  She is so hurt she cannot believe in herself.

Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive. My Seeds of Intent 1.  To walk more I am so very frustrated with this seed - early February I hurt my foot and my doctors are telling me to not walk on it.  I may even have surgery on it. 2.  To make sure I do self-care. I am working on this.  I am taking more time for myself and choosing to disconnect from toxic people.  I took it easy while I was studying and made sure to have fun. 3.  To pass my licensing exams ACCOMPLISHED!!!  I passed both exams, and my license was issued on April 21! 4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her. After trying to help her into a sober living environment and failing - I have limited my int...