Lady Heather's Domain: My life in a Nutshell

I feel like I am just stuck waiting ... waiting to figure out the next part of our lives.  We just have to keep waiting for answers, waiting for people to get in the office, waiting for this or that.  It is scary and hard since we cannot even figure out what our lives will be in a month and we don't know the best answers or what should we do.  Do we pack up and move far away or do we stay and gamble on more than a part time job.  Do we hang on here and plan or will we end up being broke and homeless. 

Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of summer.  This is the longest day of the year and now the nights will lengthen.  This is a time of manifestation.  We are seeing what the hard work on our intentions look like. This year my intentions are: My Seeds of Intent 1.  Continue to work on my health - now on insulin and trying to figure out how to keep my blood sugars down - I am going to Rock Steady Boxing and working out 3 days a week. 2.  Start balancing my case load so it is not overwhelming -  managing my clients and my personal life much better 3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist - taking on more clients that are on the gender spectrum 4.  Continue to process letting go of my daughter - no longer having panic attacks about her as often 5.  Be good to myself - doing that 6.  Focus on organizing my life so it allows me to do what I need to do ...

This moon shares its energy with other May holidays — but it has a deeper meaning, too. Much like the Pagan sabbat Beltane and the more secular May Day , Flower Moon observations revolve around the bounty and beauty of nature this time of year (hence the moon's name). If you wish, you can absolutely spend this lunar phase celebrating nature and keep it as simple as that — after all, just taking a walk can be a full moon ritual. That said, this is also a great time to focus on the changes going on in your personal life, rather than the outside world.   For me this year, it is really learning to take care of myself and look to my future health.  On May 1st I started going to Rock Steady Boxing and it is helping me a lot.

It is a hard day for me.  Today is my daughter's 21st birthday.  I can't talk to her.  I don't even know if she is ok.  I hate that we have to have a 5 year no contact order to help both of us heal, but I know we need it.  I so had looked forward to so many things for today.  I am sad that we cannot celebrate her birthday together.  If she sees this - just know - you will always be in my heart.

So this year my seeds of intent were: This year I had 4 seeds in my apple. So this year my seeds of intent are: And for this next year I got 4 seeds of intent and they are going to be: 1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range. While I stumbled a bit, I was able to find out my heart is healthy and I am doing pretty good with my blood work. 2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker. I will be speaking at an event in November and continue to speak at Sacramento State. 3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist. I am learning to take what comes and work with it.  The Goddess is providing a wonderful learning experience with the path she is leading me on. 4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento. I now see it will be harder than I planned, and I know for at least a year or so we need to be here in Sacramento...

Today I went to court to give my victim's statement re: my daughter's burglary charge from her burglarizing our home. Below is my statement. There is now a 5 year no contact order in place. I hope she gets her life together.   To my daughter Grace, Nearly 16 years ago you came into my life. I struggled to be the mom that you needed. I know I wasn't perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes. The worst day in my life was when I got the 1:30 am phone call by a man who was torturing you and was going to kill you if I didn't give him the money. 5 hours away, I had never felt so helpless, neither Bakersfield nor Sacramento Sheriff's Department could help me help you. I thought after all of that, things would change, but they didn't. 2 weeks after that horrible night, you broke my heart by breaking into our home. You allowed others to invade our home to party, trash it and steal from us. You stole our car and the credit...

So it looks like my daughter is not going to cooperate with the DA and testify on the case when Michael Lenoir tortured her.  I am so frustrated, he may just be let go.  Monday the DA will see if she hears from my daughter and then decide to see if they can put forward a plea deal. It would be such a disappointing ending for this drawn out drama to just let him go.  I still hope my daughter will testify.  I hope there is something we can do otherwise he will be out and able to do this again.

I have been struggling so much to not let the mean things my daughter says to get to me but it always gets me especially when she basically says I was a horrible mom. I just don't know how to let it go and know that is where she is right now.  Each time she says it I feel like I want to defend my parenting by telling her all I have done.  I just can't do that - it doesn't help.  I need to let go of the hurt and now that that is her perception currently and it may or may not ever change.

  I am dreaming of living in a place like this - the thought of seeing whales and hearing the ocean calms me and I hope that I can make this happen.

Now it is the time of year when we actually start working on our intentions - we plant the seeds - we start actively spending energy to make our seeds of intent grow. So let's see how I am coming along with each of my intents. 1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range. I am back to exercising and now I am doing virtual races which are giving me more incentives. 2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker. I am probably going to be the pre-license speaker for SVC-CAMFT's Feb training 3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist. Found a therapy model called Wisdom Path Parenting and it fits me really well. 4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento. Hubby and I are now actively looking at our options and we both have an idea of what our next steps are. I feel more energized than I ever have and feel so good physica...

This time of year our ancestors struggled to find food, were cold and often struggled to have hope.  This is a good time to focus on what the future holds and to getting through the tough times.  This time of year always seems to be hard for me to get through.  Finances are tough from the holidays, trying to plan for the future and making it through the day, it can be hard to have hope. This is the time of year that I struggle and usually start to find the my seeds of intent are not going to come out the way I thought they would.  But If I focus on doing what seems right to my gut and focus on moving forward in the direction I feel compelled, I find that my path unfolds as it should. This is a full moon that I often ask to be shown the way and even if it seems divergent from my original plans, I follow the path that is shown - it always turns out to be the best path for me. This year I struggle with whether I should continue to build my practice...

Beaver Moon, sometimes called Frost Moon is usually the full moon in November. From Wikipedia: Two reasons are given for the coupling of the November moon with the flat-tailed aquatic animal: (a) November is a month when many hunters used to set leghold traps for beaver, [1] and (b) November is a month when many beaver families are especially active in rebuilding their beaver lodges and dams . [2] Much of the mammals' building and repair work takes place by moonlight, because the beaver is primarily nocturnal . Both explanations implicate November's position as the last full month before the coming of winter , as beaver (which do not hibernate ) need to have ready access to food during the cold months, and need to grow an especially lush pelt of fur so as to be prepared. By the traditional valuation standards of the fur trade , a late-fall beaver pelt was worth more than a pelt harvested during other seasons of the year. I have been cleaning the house and organiz...

So I am working on healing ALL of me. I have a health coach and am working to become healthier - I am walking more and eating very few carbs, losing weight and hopefully the blood work continues to get better. I am working with a life coach to help me heal some of my basic issues and to help me get my career and my dreams off the ground. I am working with a therapist to move forward and emotionally heal from the PTSD of raising a child who experienced trauma. Today was a life coaching session (and allergy shots).  I have been getting better about feeling that I am a wonderful person who deserves to be married to the awesome hubby I have.  I noticed how words really do affect us.  I was able to say "I am A Goddess" but when it came to "I am Goddess" it was really hard.  I understand the concept - I am Goddess in her earth form - just as all women are and all men are God.  We need to see that we are the divine - that is not to say that we treat others as less...

The Hunter's or Harvest Full Moon is the first full moon after Mabon (Autumn Equinox).  The Hunter's Full Moon is named because the full moon give light to hunters tracking their prey before the cold winter settles in.  They are able to stock up on the protein they will need to make it through the winter. It is also known as the Harvest Full Moon because we are harvesting all that we worked for this year. I am harvesting my intentions which feels awesome: I have been walking more - I have my fitbit and while the past week I was taking care of myself emotionally and not doing all of the walking - to day is a new day and I will walk at least 10,000 steps today! From a wonderful Alaska vacation, to therapy and coaching and buying myself clothes that I love - I am practicing more self care. I passed my exams and have my license now for 5 months! I am seeking therapy to keep myself from enabling my daughter and learning how to cope with things in a healthy manner...

Yesterday I cleaned out my closet.  I had 2 bags of clothes that are now too big for me.  Normally I would them box them up and put them away in case I gained weight again.  So instead of expecting the worst that I would gain the weight back - I am looking ahead positively and letting go of what doesn't fit and moving forward.  Everything will be donated to Goodwill.  I then went online and replaced some of the clothes that no longer fit.  Filling up my closet with hope and things that match my authentic self.  Now I just need to apply this to other areas of my life.

I spent last week at the Gender Odyssey Conference.  It was amazing, humbling and very emotional. I have so many things I am still trying to grasp. My daughter also contacted me while I was at the conference and actually was in a mental health facility trying to remain sober. So spending the day listening to loving and supporting your child no matter what and then talking my daughter and trying to apply the same concepts to my relationship with her.  So much to process. I think I will be adding to this one post for awhile as I process the emotions. I am waiting to hear back from my daughter re: whether he relapse yesterday is going to cause her to get kicked out.  So hard to just let go and yet hold my arms open. ********************** update Tuesday, August 25 2015 - it seems that my daughter has left the facility based on her FB posts. I have decided to try to seek therapy because this is just to much - I need to work through these emotions and I am just a me...

Everyday I think of her.  Everyday I hope and pray that she will realize the destructive path she is on and ask for help to make changes.  She is smart, creative, stubborn (like her mom), beautiful and always my precious daughter.  I wish I could help her, but every time I do it is just enabling.  I wish I could hold her and keep her safe - but every time I do she hurts me.  She is a beautiful rose with thorns.  My heart aches for my daughter.  She is so hurt she cannot believe in herself.

Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive. My Seeds of Intent 1.  To walk more I am so very frustrated with this seed - early February I hurt my foot and my doctors are telling me to not walk on it.  I may even have surgery on it. 2.  To make sure I do self-care. I am working on this.  I am taking more time for myself and choosing to disconnect from toxic people.  I took it easy while I was studying and made sure to have fun. 3.  To pass my licensing exams ACCOMPLISHED!!!  I passed both exams, and my license was issued on April 21! 4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her. After trying to help her into a sober living environment and failing - I have limited my int...

The phone rings - my daughter is complaining that her new roommate (not even 48 hours yet) is being mean and giving her an attitude.  I suggested she try to talk with her roommate and she said she plans on heading back as soon as she gets her money and hung up with me.  I asked her roommate what was up and this was the text: "She's complaining because I'm expecting her to actually do shit and not sit around.  She invited a guy overcast night, knowing guys aren't allowed, and now she's trying see  if a friend of hers can say.  I am not in the mood to deal with her, and if she wants to make her own rules then she can get tf out, because I have a life and I will not let her decisions bring me down" I am so frustrated - I keep hoping and praying she gets herself together.  How do I let go - I just don't know.

For those of us with adult or nearly adult children who may have lost their way - I am burning a candle in prayer for their rebirth. Trauma changes the brain and makes it hard for our children to find their way to love. Let this candle light their path to love and give them the ability to define themselves without their trauma and past defining them. For my daughter: This is the candle I am burning - blessing you with hope and love on your journey. Behind it is the Phoenix - you probably remember it from Harry Potter - it grows and becomes a beautiful bird and then it grows old and bursts into flames - turns into ashes and is reborn. This is your rebirth - you have a chance to become new again. I believe in you as I always have, I love you as I always have, and I have hope and prayers for you as I always have. This candle will burn and become something amazing for you. ************************ update - this is what the candle looks like after 1 day (i...