Lady Heather's Domain: My life in a Nutshell

In April, about halfway through the month, the thunderstorms of March are beginning to subside, and the wind picks up which is often why this is called the Wind Moon.  Seeds are being blown about on the breezes, spreading life all around from one place to the next. In fact, this lunar cycle is often known as the Seed Moon. Trees have buds on them, spring daffodils and tulips abound, and the birds are nesting once more. Much like March, this is a time of conception and fertility and new growth. For me, it is just that.  I am starting a lot of new growth.  I have come to peace with my feelings about my daughter and accepting my Parkinson's.  I have found a great program called Rock Steady Boxing that hopefully will help me get to where I want to go.  I will miss the rains and the speed of growth and creation around me, but look forward to working on my seeds of intent and my life.

It is a hard day for me.  Today is my daughter's 21st birthday.  I can't talk to her.  I don't even know if she is ok.  I hate that we have to have a 5 year no contact order to help both of us heal, but I know we need it.  I so had looked forward to so many things for today.  I am sad that we cannot celebrate her birthday together.  If she sees this - just know - you will always be in my heart.

Beaver Moon, sometimes called Frost Moon is usually the full moon in November. From Wikipedia: Two reasons are given for the coupling of the November moon with the flat-tailed aquatic animal: (a) November is a month when many hunters used to set leghold traps for beaver, [1] and (b) November is a month when many beaver families are especially active in rebuilding their beaver lodges and dams . [2] Much of the mammals' building and repair work takes place by moonlight, because the beaver is primarily nocturnal . Both explanations implicate November's position as the last full month before the coming of winter , as beaver (which do not hibernate ) need to have ready access to food during the cold months, and need to grow an especially lush pelt of fur so as to be prepared. By the traditional valuation standards of the fur trade , a late-fall beaver pelt was worth more than a pelt harvested during other seasons of the year.  I have been cleaning my "mental and ...

So this year my seeds of intent were: This year I had 4 seeds in my apple. So this year my seeds of intent are: And for this next year I got 4 seeds of intent and they are going to be: 1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range. While I stumbled a bit, I was able to find out my heart is healthy and I am doing pretty good with my blood work. 2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker. I will be speaking at an event in November and continue to speak at Sacramento State. 3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist. I am learning to take what comes and work with it.  The Goddess is providing a wonderful learning experience with the path she is leading me on. 4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento. I now see it will be harder than I planned, and I know for at least a year or so we need to be here in Sacramento...

Today I went to court to give my victim's statement re: my daughter's burglary charge from her burglarizing our home. Below is my statement. There is now a 5 year no contact order in place. I hope she gets her life together.   To my daughter Grace, Nearly 16 years ago you came into my life. I struggled to be the mom that you needed. I know I wasn't perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes. The worst day in my life was when I got the 1:30 am phone call by a man who was torturing you and was going to kill you if I didn't give him the money. 5 hours away, I had never felt so helpless, neither Bakersfield nor Sacramento Sheriff's Department could help me help you. I thought after all of that, things would change, but they didn't. 2 weeks after that horrible night, you broke my heart by breaking into our home. You allowed others to invade our home to party, trash it and steal from us. You stole our car and the credit...

Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive. My Seeds of Intent 1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range. Getting closer to doing that - my blood work is coming back closer to normal 2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker. Took on a speaking engagement on LGBTQ Safe Zone 3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist. Following my heart, working with clients, doing more Transgender work 4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento. Going to visit OR at the end of July to see clients that moved So many changes and exciting things happening, I look forward to see what the rest...

I have been struggling so much to not let the mean things my daughter says to get to me but it always gets me especially when she basically says I was a horrible mom. I just don't know how to let it go and know that is where she is right now.  Each time she says it I feel like I want to defend my parenting by telling her all I have done.  I just can't do that - it doesn't help.  I need to let go of the hurt and now that that is her perception currently and it may or may not ever change.

Yesterday was valentines' day.  I was working hard to have a good day with my hubby.  Almost as if it were a warning, in the evening as I got out my pizza stone, it fell and broke into many pieces.  Within a minute the phone rang - I looked and it was most likely my daughter calling from a phone at a gas station snack place.  I had to make a choice, answer it and most likely be upset or just let it go. So I It is a slow process for me to learn to allow myself good things to happen and not allow others to sabotage them (even if they did not mean to).  Part of my heart breaks that I cannot pick up the phone and expect a nice conversation with my daughter and the other part is desperately trying to heal. I am working on healing myself and trying to find a healthy level of interaction with my daughter. I know it is not her fault the way she is but there is only a certain level of dysfunction and drama I can handle before I start to slide down that dysfuncti...

So I checked in with the DA re: my the case in Bakersfield when Michael Lenoir hurt my daughter, and the case will move forward.  Sometime in the first couple week of December, I will most likely be called to testify against this nasty horrid person and try to get him locked up for life.  He refused a plea bargain, I hope I can help land him with at least one of the dozen felonies he is charged with so he will have his third strike.  I only say this because he has victimized many and he needs to not be among the rest of the population. What I struggle with is having to deal with this after 18 months, and trying to have empathy and compassion and forgiveness for my daughter while at the same time the other case where my daughter victimized me - that is going on.  I hate emotions like this and I hate to be so torn and raw.  I wish I could really help my daughter and have her get better. So many emotions and chaos and distractions running through my head. ...

It has been nearly 9 years since I really and truly opened up my heart and practiced experiencing feelings without always shutting down my emotions.  It has been a roller coaster of a road. I love the amazing feelings of love, affection, trust, safety, passion - and struggle with anxiety, hatred, and hurt.  You cannot have one without the other and I still feel that I am better because of it.  It is only now though that I am really having a chance to work on balance.  I am practicing scheduling my life based on how I am feeling and dealing with things.  I take extra time to care for my emotions when I feel more chaotic and other days when I have more energy I use that and really get stuff done.  I am still able to force myself into doing things even if I don't want to but in general my life is much easier now that I am working with the ebb and flow of my bipolar disorder and able to keep it from getting out of hand.

So I am working hard on forgiving myself and my daughter and just letting go.  I love her and always will but there is nothing I can do to make her life better or work to heal her since she has to do that herself. Today a friend shared this link to a post about being a mother of an unattached child. Another friend shared this post about transforming your darkness And GoodTherapy posted this on coping with grief why forgiveness matters so much All on my facebook this AM. I think it is time to just forgive and let go - I have cried and feel a bit different - I am going to keep working on some of this dark and painful emotions and really just work on letting go.

I spent last week at the Gender Odyssey Conference.  It was amazing, humbling and very emotional. I have so many things I am still trying to grasp. My daughter also contacted me while I was at the conference and actually was in a mental health facility trying to remain sober. So spending the day listening to loving and supporting your child no matter what and then talking my daughter and trying to apply the same concepts to my relationship with her.  So much to process. I think I will be adding to this one post for awhile as I process the emotions. I am waiting to hear back from my daughter re: whether he relapse yesterday is going to cause her to get kicked out.  So hard to just let go and yet hold my arms open. ********************** update Tuesday, August 25 2015 - it seems that my daughter has left the facility based on her FB posts. I have decided to try to seek therapy because this is just to much - I need to work through these emotions and I am just a me...

" HI, mom I got outta jail at 4am on Fri morning. I plead guilty to all my charges n only served out the rest of my time n have to complete a year probation sooo basically I'm cleared for all the law shit I have some fines to pay but things in the streets for me ain't lookin good at all most likely I'll end up dead. I love u n would give anything for a hug and for u to tell me u love me I just want to hear my mom's voice in person."   and then: " I love n miss u too you'll be in my heart....always!"  (which is from the Lion King)   my heart breaks - I wish I could really help her but every time I have tried to help her, but it never works out.  I just want my little girl to be safe and happy not be barely surviving on the street.

Beltane is a time of Expression - it is time to express your intentions.  You have planned and created and now it is time to really work on your intentions.  This year I am seeing the possibilities of my new practice/career and need to keep working on it to make it thrive. My Seeds of Intent 1.  To walk more I am so very frustrated with this seed - early February I hurt my foot and my doctors are telling me to not walk on it.  I may even have surgery on it. 2.  To make sure I do self-care. I am working on this.  I am taking more time for myself and choosing to disconnect from toxic people.  I took it easy while I was studying and made sure to have fun. 3.  To pass my licensing exams ACCOMPLISHED!!!  I passed both exams, and my license was issued on April 21! 4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her. After trying to help her into a sober living environment and failing - I have limited my int...

So my daughter left her roommate's place with her roommates clothes and didn't come back.  Then in the AM on her FB I see she is now in a "relationship" with a guy who is flashing the "Blood" gang sign and she only friended him that day.  She is no longer speaking to me.  I tried my best.  despite all of the nasty mean things she has said to me when she asked for my help I came through spending just under $1000 in less than a week to get her to Colorado.  Yet less than 2 days later she is trashing her roommate and other friends. I just don't know how to let go.....

The phone rings - my daughter is complaining that her new roommate (not even 48 hours yet) is being mean and giving her an attitude.  I suggested she try to talk with her roommate and she said she plans on heading back as soon as she gets her money and hung up with me.  I asked her roommate what was up and this was the text: "She's complaining because I'm expecting her to actually do shit and not sit around.  She invited a guy overcast night, knowing guys aren't allowed, and now she's trying see  if a friend of hers can say.  I am not in the mood to deal with her, and if she wants to make her own rules then she can get tf out, because I have a life and I will not let her decisions bring me down" I am so frustrated - I keep hoping and praying she gets herself together.  How do I let go - I just don't know.

For those of us with adult or nearly adult children who may have lost their way - I am burning a candle in prayer for their rebirth. Trauma changes the brain and makes it hard for our children to find their way to love. Let this candle light their path to love and give them the ability to define themselves without their trauma and past defining them. For my daughter: This is the candle I am burning - blessing you with hope and love on your journey. Behind it is the Phoenix - you probably remember it from Harry Potter - it grows and becomes a beautiful bird and then it grows old and bursts into flames - turns into ashes and is reborn. This is your rebirth - you have a chance to become new again. I believe in you as I always have, I love you as I always have, and I have hope and prayers for you as I always have. This candle will burn and become something amazing for you. ************************ update - this is what the candle looks like after 1 day (i...

How do you believe in the good of a person and have hope they will make better choices and yet deal with the reality of what they are doing and the grief of what you wish their lives could be.  I struggle so much with my daughter.  I want to believe she can be the person I hope she can be and yet not constantly hurt and grieve when she doesn't make good choices. No answers - no revelations - today just grieving and wishing I knew how to help her help herself.

So this weekend was spent with my hubby visiting his grandfather who is now in a 24 hour nursing facility.  Grandpa wants to die, he is 93 years old (almost 94), gotten too weak to care for himself, lost his wife a few years ago and really no longer has a good quality of life. Why must this wonderful, self sufficient man be forced to waste away in pain and discomfort both emotionally and physically when he feels he has lived a long and wonderful life.  We do not want him to leave but watching him wither away is not right.  He no longer wants to be here - I hate that we have to watch this proud man lose his dignity as he slowly dies.  It breaks my heart that if one of my pets no longer is able a decent quality of life, it is ok to let them go, but it is not ok for a human being. I hope and pray now that Grandpa has made his decision that he does not want to live any longer, he is able to go rather quickly. 

Litha - Summer Solstice - The Beginning of summer.  This is the longest day of the year and now the nights will lengthen.  This is a time of manifestation.  We are seeing what the hard work on our intentions look like. This year my intentions are: 1.  To continue to become more physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. 2.  To continue to focus on helping my son into adulthood and being present with him and understanding of his limitations and abilities. 3.  To find a way to become a therapist in the direction in which the Goddess leads me. 4.  To find a way to be supportive of my daughter and not enable her as she goes into adulthood. So 1.  I am becoming my physically healthy. I have now focused on getting my blasted allergies under control and just finished up my weekly shots.  I am seeing a doctor regularly and my blood levels are mostly normal.  I have been working on some female issues but instead of ignoring ...