Lady Heather's Domain: My life in a Nutshell

Full Milk Moon is usually in May but this year it is at the end of April.  It is often called the Milk Moon because baby goats and calves have just started to be born so cow and goat milk is plentiful.   It is a time when planting is the main focus and birth and new life is plentiful. I am taking this time to continue to put energy into my new practice and to nurture it with the ideas and sustenance I have been receiving.  It will take time and hard work but it will pay off eventually.

I have learned a lot from this book and am finding myself filled with more joy and peace than I ever have.  The biggest positive is that I am able to accept love and really know I am loved.  I now know I am worthy of love and deserve it.  I am working on learning how to stay in a place of peace more often and it will take time - I know my quest will be eternal but I sure like how I am living and enjoying life now.

My relationship with my daughter does not work.  I need to work on allowing myself to love her unconditionally and letting her make her own mistakes and choices.  I can continue to advocate for her best interests and try to limit suggesting what she should do.  She has to walk her own path as much as it breaks my heart to see her struggle and fail, it needs to be her own choices and consequences like my choices and their consequences are mine.

Today I give myself permission to be loved and accept love. A simple yet tough statement for me - one that I am making more and more progress on.

Today, was a good day to practice being quiet.  My son was gone and I was able to relax.  Everytime a negative thought or feeling came through my mind (that I realized) I worked on making it positive.  If I thought of my frustrating relationship with my daughter - I thought how lucky I was to have met her and have become a much better person because of my relationship with her.  I felt more and more peaceful throughout the day.  I know there will be days that I cannot do this - but I know I am in charge of my own thoughts and feelings and don't have to let someone else take my power away from me.

I am willing to let go of my controlling behavior today.  I am learning to accept that I am not in control of others and am willing to give up that ugly part of myself that tries to control what others do.

I "believe" my being a good parent to both children completes me.  I try to hold onto my relationship with my daughter no matter what even when she wants to pull away.  It is going to be hard work but I am slowly trying to imagine myself without the relationship with my daughter.  The thought brings me great sadness and yet a bit of peace.  This is something I have been working on slowly over the past year - allowing myself to be a mother and not always having the relationship with my daughter that I cling to.  I am finding being an advocate for her is helpful, but I need to learn to feel ok about myself even if the relationship with my daughter goes away.

The only real conflict I have is with my daughter.  Today I wrote a letter letting her know I love her.  I am trying to remind myself that it does not have to be constantly a conflict.  I can let her make her own decisions whether they are destructive or not and let her learn from her consequences. I love my daughter and I need to work harder to bringing peace to our relationship.

Most often when I feel my emotions rise in relation to another person it is when I am dealing with my daughter.  I know what is being spoken is my daughter's truth and not mine, because I love her it hurts when she says mean things to me.  I know why she does it (out of fear of getting hurt again) but I still allow it to hurt me.  I have started to take a stand and not be a victim anymore by limiting my interactions with her when I am most vulnerable.  I also remind myself she is speaking her truth from the lens of fear so it isn't anything personal - it is just because of her circumstances.  It still is hard and I need to continue working on this aspect of myself so I do not allow myself to fall into the victim role.

One truth I hide out of fear is that I am a lesbian and my husband's a transsexual.  I know from the past people reject or judge us - so we hide the truth.  I have been more honest with more people though about it if I determine it would be safe to do so. The one truth in others I often reject is that I am lovable and a good person.  I fear getting hurt so I try to reject them first.  I have been working on this. I am living my truth as much as I can and am finding it easier and easier.  My house is now decorated in my beliefs and so is my office.  I do not hide who I am - I am just not always open about it.  But I live my life and no longer live a lie to please other people.

I had to modify the statements to work for me but they do. I allow myself to experience the presence of My Goddess's love. (I stop, close my eyes and put my hands out - I feel Her love) I allow myself to feel the warm of My Goddess's affection. (I stop, close my eyes and place my hands on my heart - I feel Her warmth emanating through me) I am open to the power of healing in myself through My Goddess. (I stop, and feel my power and My Goddess's power swirling within me - healing any darkness that has come upon my soul) I am worth and valuable and loved. (I stop, Breathe in and Breathe out, and feel my worth, value and love to my core) I feel so much more peaceful and ready to deal with the day after I have done this.