Lady Heather's Domain: My life in a Nutshell

I have been struggling so much to not let the mean things my daughter says to get to me but it always gets me especially when she basically says I was a horrible mom. I just don't know how to let it go and know that is where she is right now.  Each time she says it I feel like I want to defend my parenting by telling her all I have done.  I just can't do that - it doesn't help.  I need to let go of the hurt and now that that is her perception currently and it may or may not ever change.

Today is the Full Storm Moon.  Storms are often brewing in the weather and in our lives.  This moon is at the end of February or in March and before the Vernal Equinox.  The weather is violently vacillating between winter and spring.  Often we are dealing with the same in our own emotional realm.  We are struggling between still being in our dark realm of self-reflection and starting to come out and be part of a community.  We struggle to make room for others in our plans or seeing how our plans affect others. This year I am struggling on how to handle my relationship with my daughter.  I am trying to forgive and let go of the anger and frustration I have with her and at the same time hold her responsible for her actions and limit my contact with her since it is a dysfunctional relationship. It is hard when she will say how much she loves me and that how horrible I am all within a few minutes just because I wouldn't give her what she wanted.

Yesterday was valentines' day.  I was working hard to have a good day with my hubby.  Almost as if it were a warning, in the evening as I got out my pizza stone, it fell and broke into many pieces.  Within a minute the phone rang - I looked and it was most likely my daughter calling from a phone at a gas station snack place.  I had to make a choice, answer it and most likely be upset or just let it go. So I It is a slow process for me to learn to allow myself good things to happen and not allow others to sabotage them (even if they did not mean to).  Part of my heart breaks that I cannot pick up the phone and expect a nice conversation with my daughter and the other part is desperately trying to heal. I am working on healing myself and trying to find a healthy level of interaction with my daughter. I know it is not her fault the way she is but there is only a certain level of dysfunction and drama I can handle before I start to slide down that dysfunctional hill again.

  I am dreaming of living in a place like this - the thought of seeing whales and hearing the ocean calms me and I hope that I can make this happen.

Now it is the time of year when we actually start working on our intentions - we plant the seeds - we start actively spending energy to make our seeds of intent grow. So let's see how I am coming along with each of my intents. 1.  Continue to get healthier and try to get all blood tests into the normal range. I am back to exercising and now I am doing virtual races which are giving me more incentives. 2.  To increase my speaking and work towards becoming a speaker. I am probably going to be the pre-license speaker for SVC-CAMFT's Feb training 3.  Continue to follow the path the Goddess has put in front of me especially when it comes to being a therapist. Found a therapy model called Wisdom Path Parenting and it fits me really well. 4.  Start figuring out how to move from Sacramento. Hubby and I are now actively looking at our options and we both have an idea of what our next steps are. I feel more energized than I ever have and feel so good physically, menta